Sherry's Cookies

More Good News

2007-10-10T13:25:00.000-04:00

I am considering many options for the continuation of my blog. I do so appreciate your patience. There are many good developments in my health of late. My red blood has taken a miraculous turn for the better and now resides at a nice healthy 12! It's hard for me to think of it as anything but a miracle because the two days before I had it tested I was sleeping much of the day because I was so weak. That's why I went to the doctor to have it tested. Day two of my bout with weariness caused me to reach out to several of my praying friends. I even felt inspired to contact Ruth and Michael Reid. The next day, I was feeling better but didn't realize that the nurse would be coming out to report that I was a 12. A 10 was what I had heard most people in my situation hover at, but mine had gone so low (down to 7.9!) that I thought I'd have to be okay with a 9. But I am blessed with a 12!

I am still unable to stop taking the nausea medication, however. I believe it is due to the number of pills I am still taking on a daily basis. With the medication, I am able to eat though I do not have much of an appetite...at least not until evenings when I sometimes get ferocious hunger pangs and eat whatever healthy foods I can get my hands on. Breakfast and lunch are another story, as I often have no idea what to eat since nothing sounds good at all. I am now wearing a size 8 in jeans! I've been skinnier before, but this has been effortless. That is, of course, because I do no feel all that hungry most of the time. Believe it or not, I actually look forward to feeling hungry (not overly so, of course) again.

I am in a course with a favorite professor of mine at UTD, but am reconsidering some aspects of my studies. I have come to a place in my life when I am unwilling to do anything of major importance that does not completely fit with my professional interests. It's a good thing, but I am being cautious. Who knows how much more I will change in my feelings about my Ph.D. work as I make progress toward health?

I am now receiving teacher disability retirement. My first check came the first of October. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about that, but it has been, for the most part, a positive experience. I feel that I am contributing at least some of what I could be making if I were able to teach. Until I've gotten my immunizations and more teaching work lined up, I'm going to collect this small pension.

I know that I need to find a creative outlet. So I am considering many options...most of which involve this website...but renamed. I'm thinking I'll just take the cancer out of the title and call it Sherry's Cookies. That way my faithful friends and supporters who keep coming to my blog in hopes of reading about what is going on with me can still find me fairly easily.

Thank you for your prayers concerning the persistent nausea and a little bit of stuff coming up concerning my liver (which may be causing the nausea).

Moving On

2007-09-12T19:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry that I haven't checked in to write my blog for so many days. Everything is fine, I'm just considering renaming my blog...so as to move on from cancer. My treatment is done. I'm in remission. I'm in an independent study that takes up much of my extra time. All of these things are good.

Please be patient while I reconsider a name for my blog that does not have anything to do with cancer, but has everything to do with life and living it.

I know I am where I am because of God and for God's grace I am so very very thankful.

Quick Trip to Houston

2007-08-27T12:22:00.000-04:00

As promised, I am returning to Houston for a quick check up with my doctor at MD Anderson. We're staying at Springhill Suites because the Rotary is full. But that is fine. The main reason the Rotary is better concerns parking. If you stay at the Rotary, parking is free. Whatever the case, I am glad to be getting this last appointment in because I will not have to return again for a while.

Thursday, I'll start seeing my local oncologist who will be responsible for checking my blood and making sure I stay on track with my recovery. I am supposed to start tapering off of Cyclosporine as of this appointment.

Jacob was off to his first day of school today. I drove him to the school, and he seemed excited. I'll be be here this afternoon to pick him up, of course, then his dad will get him from home. He has Boy Scouts tonight, so his dad will get him there and back again. He'll stay with his dad tonight.

We should return by tomorrow evening.

Thankfully, I have a book on tape that Kirk and I have been listening to. This helps pass the five hours of driving to Houston.

Today, I'm just packing and doing laundry until Kirk and Jacob come home. Then, Kirk and I will be leaving for Houston.

An Entire Week (Almost) Has Passed

2007-08-25T12:36:00.000-04:00

There were lots of things to do this week. Mainly, unpacking and getting Jacob ready for school. There is, as you can imagine, a lot of things that have been left undone over the summer that I've needed to do. I still find time in the mornings to drink coffee on the back porch when it is not so hot. And it has been hot. Especially after 12PM until about 7PM. Then it cools off again.

Even as I'm writing this, Jacob is in his room organizing and sorting. It is not so big a project because he was not here all that much over the summer. Boy Scouts starts back up on Monday, and then the Court of Honor the next Monday.

I have a wig to return, as well as some reimbursements to make. These things have not been forgotten.

My only complaint is I am tired at unexpected times. It may be low hemoglobin or just getting used to moving around a lot more. Whatever the case, I am asking for continued prayer concerning my counts. My red blood needs to be at around 10.

We return for one final check up on Tuesday in Houston. I'm sure I'll see what my counts are at that time. Meanwhile, I continue to eat...fresh fruits and veggies even...making sure I get lots of iron.

Home

2007-08-19T12:17:00.000-04:00

It looked as if there might be flooding in the area of Houston where the apartment is, so Kirk and I decided to come home to Dallas now. It was a good decision. Tuesday, we'll return so I can have my catheter removed at MDA. Hurricane Dean is heading much further south, so there's no reason we can't keep that appointment.

The weather here in Dallas is beautiful, though balmy. Vastly different, however, from the balminess that I associate with Houston. In Dallas, there is a nice breeze and temps stay in the 70's all morning. Making for a nice cup of coffee on the back porch anytime before 1PM.

The cat and dog were so relieved to see me. On Saturday, the doorbell rang and there was a man standing there with a huge candy bouquet from my mom, Lisa and Randy. There was a teapot vase that looked like something Mary Engelbright would design. I immediately ate one of the chocolates. It was such a thoughtful gift.

Joe, Jen, Zenny and Jordan (who is talking up a storm) came over for a quick visit, then Kirk, Jacob and I went to look at washers and dryers at the Sears outlet. Our washer dumps rust stains (and even bleach) unexpectedly on most anything I wash sometimes. Kirk took it apart months ago to see if he could clean it up and fix it, but it continues. So we're seeing what we can afford to do, right now.

I'm about to take Jacob for a haircut. Jacob's trip to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back was difficult, but a great accomplishment (he agrees.) It was probably harder than he and his dad imagined it would be, but nonetheless they are glad they did it. On the way, they had the chance to visit relatives in New Mexico, as well. Jacob had never met his cousins on his dad's side (not since he was three years old!) so it was a good trip all around.

I feel very blessed to be home, have hair and my family all around me.

Plans for This Week

2007-08-13T10:47:00.000-04:00

Since I am returning home to Frisco next Wednesday, this week will constitute my last relatively alone days in Houston at this apartment. I have a friend who lives close by that I'll be visiting one last time on Wednesday and Thursday. And, of course, I will go into the clinic on Tuesday and Friday. Kirk flies into Houston on Thursday. That way we can drive back to together in one car next Wednesday.

Today is the only day I haven't something specific to do, but there is still plenty to accomplish in the way of housekeeping, reading for my Fall class and finishing paperwork for various things.

Jacob and his dad have made it as far home from the Grand Canyon as Amarillo. They'll be home in Frisco today. They had a great trip down to the Canyon floor and back in three days. It was hard work, but worth it according to the last report I'd heard from them. They made a stop on the way to Amarillo, I hear, to look at Meteor Crater.

When he's been here, Kirk has slowly been taking things from the apartment back home. So there may be only clothes and remaining food to pack over the weekend. That will make it easier to load up the car and get on home once I'm officially released on Tuesday the 21st.

Can't wait to be home with my family and my dog and cat. Even it it is over 100 degrees these days in Frisco, at least it's dry heat.

As for me, I feel good these days. My only complaint is that I've had migraines at night these past two nights. Even that feels like my system is trying to return to normal, as hormones are usually to blame for those headaches. Otherwise my appetite, energy and general health have been very good. It is a very hot moldy situation outdoors these past few days in Houston, so I'm going to see if staying indoors today helps any with ending the migraine cycle. There is a lot of grass being cut today...in preparation, I suppose, for the rains that are headed this way tomorrow. Grass and a barometer shift have the ability to give me quite the headache as well.

Marking Time

2007-08-08T17:47:00.000-04:00

God-willing, I'll be home by August 22nd or 23rd. I'll need to return to MD Anderson the next Tuesday for a follow-up appointment with my doctor, who is going to be out of town for two weeks, but that is okay. Being home is all that matters, and that is what my doctors feel I'll be ready to do by the 23rd.

So Kirk will drive down from Frisco alone one last time (and back again, of course) on Thursday and stay through Sunday. Then we'll be apart only Monday through Thursday (possibly Friday,) then Kirk will fly into Houston. In this way when I leave on Tuesday August 22nd or early Wednesday, we can travel together in one car back to Frisco. No more lonely rides to and from Frisco for Kirk.

Meanwhile, I'm marking time. Today, I spent much of the day watching an A&E version of Pride and Prejudice, which was quite fun. Julie very kindly has made these CD's available to me, so I decided while I was reading the book to indulge and see what a version more faithful to the text might do for Austen's story. I recommend it. Collin Frith played Mr. Darcy, and he was quite good in The Girl With the Pear Earring (as Vermeer,) so I am now much more impressed with with his acting abilities considering his range.

Lately I have also troubled myself with a translation of a poem from Russian by Karolina Pavlova, a nineteenth century poet. The translation is part of my efforts to prove proficiency (and I stress the word) in Russian for my Ph.D. and began with a recommendation from one of my favorite professors at UTD. He suggested I try my hand at not only translating the poem, but making the English version have the same iambic pentameter rhythms and ABA rhyme scheme. I may only be able to accomplish a literal translation. I have had some luck with the first stanza, but it sounds more stilted than I would like.

Aside from that, when it is still relatively cool in the mornings and late evenings, I go out on my bike or for a walk to the mail box or around the lake. Otherwise, days are a bit bleak. For I do miss everything that my life had to offer me in Frisco (as you can imagine.)

Jacob and his dad are now at the Grand Canyon, and I hear reports almost daily from Jacob about their exploits. I may not hear from him, however, for the next few days, since they will be at the bottom of the Grand Canyon staying at Phantom Ranch. I suppose it is possible that they will have reception on their cell phones or that they will find a suitable phone to make a call, but I'm uncertain. Then, it will take them two days to hike out of the Canyon. The first night after Phantom Ranch they will stay at Indian Gardens, which is about 5.5 miles beneath the rim. They are going into the Canyon by Kabab Trail and out by Bright Angel Trail. I am so proud of Jacob for accomplishing this at just the age of 14.

On their way to the Canyon, they hooked up with Vernon's eldest sister, her husband (Julie, my caregiver's uncle) and the two remaining live-in sons, Danny and Bobby. The last time I saw them Bobby must have been 7! I heard that there was lots of visiting and fun to be had there. Bobby is now 18!

Next on their way to the Canyon, they went hiking with Lisa, her husband, Randy and mom in Bandalier. Both stayed at mom's house for two nights (I believe.) All of that I heard also went well, and much fun was to be had by everyone involved. I am told they crammed in every possible tourist attraction under mom's guidance while in Santa Fe and the surrounding areas.

One last thing, I heard from a friend I had lost touch with five years ago. She and her family are from Canada, but had been living in Frisco. They have been renting their home in Frisco for the last 5 years, since they had to return to Canada. I think in the move from the apartments we were living in I lost her contact information, though I've been searching online for her and her family for almost 2 years. Sharon called the house in Frisco just this week and Kirk was able to give me her number. We talked last night, and it was really great catching up with my old friend.

Remission!

2007-08-04T13:33:00.001-04:00

I found out Friday that I'm in remission and that I've engrafted 100% with my sister's cells!

I did not have to receive any blood on Friday, as well, since my counts only reduced by .5 since Tuesday.

The time needed to receive Magnesium has also been reduced to 2 hours in the clinic and 1 hour at home.

They may start to taper me off the Cyclosporine in the next couple of weeks or allow me to do that from home with my local oncologist.

I also found out that I may be able to return home sooner than I expected. Most likely before Jacob returns to school on August 27th. That means it could be as early as the 22nd or 23rd that I'll be leaving Houston to come home.

I feel so blessed and am already starting to pull together all the threads of administrative concerns to make my leaving go as it should. My energy is good, too. Good enough to start doing better in physical therapy. By the time, I'm able to return to Frisco I should be able to have much of the recovery process completed. Then I can focus on my family, friends and even school.

Remission!

2007-08-04T13:33:00.000-04:00

Great News

2007-07-31T20:42:00.002-04:00

Two really great bits of information came to me today in my meeting with my team.

One, I have 1% plasma cells. That is normal. There are more tests that need to come back, but Dr. Popat said it probably means I'm in remission! More on this as it comes to me.

Two, I may be able to come home by day 84. Perhaps even soon. That means before Jacob starts back to school on August 27th! Now THAT's exciting.

(Picture: one of my mom's heart-shaped pancakes, which are her specialty; she made some the last time she was here.)

Fun With Denise

2007-07-29T22:47:00.000-04:00

My friend Denise found a way to get off from work Monday, so she could hang out at the apartment. We are watching The Prestige, a riveting movie (so far). Right now, she's on the phone with her sister (my mom called just a few moment before) and the movie's paused.

We did the yoga DVD that mom and I bought in July. I found it easier to do than when I tried to do the poses then. It is a nice reminder that I am getting stronger and healthier. I'm not saying I was able to do ALL the poses. But I DID do all the "Downward Facing Dog" poses (about 4 in a row,) which is something. Last time I was barely strong enough to do just one.

It rained much of the day today, but Kirk was able to be off to Dallas without too much trouble from weather. He back now in Frisco already, admitting that the drive is starting to wear on him a bit. I think he may need a book on tape or something. Denise brought Steve Martin's Pure Drivel, which I love. I only listened to one of the "stories" on it, but it was very funny. I'll have to make sure Kirk gets a copy to enjoy on his way back to Dallas next weekend.

Friday turned out to be a crazily long day. I needed two units of blood. Funny thing is I didn't feel so bad. No headaches. No terrible weariness. But my counts had fallen below 8 and that's the magic number. It took them longer to find a match...though the "critical shortage" of last week seemed to have righted itself. I had two units and did not leave until after 11PM! I am hoping THAT was the last time I'd need that.

Back to the movie!

A Little Experiment

2007-07-27T00:18:00.000-04:00

Since I've started eating more...well, it appeared my gastro-intestinal issues were worsening. So I called my Pharmacy M.D. at the hospital to see what he would suggest I do...other than taking Immodium three or four times a day. He brought up the dreaded G-word (you know, GVHD) because some people get it in that form. He suggested, however, that I stop taking the Magnesium Sulfate tablets (a known laxative) for a day to see if my "issues" stopped. If they did, then that meant my discomfort was caused by the Magnesium not GVHD.

I'm happy to report that as soon as I stopped taking the Magnesium, my symptoms disappeared. So this gastro stuff is not being caused by anything all that terrible...just too much Magnesium. I wonder tomorrow what the doctor will think I should do, since taking 4 tablets (that's 2000 Mg) of Magnesium is too hard on my system. I imagine he'll say for me to try one tablet for a few days, then see how my counts are doing. Then go from there.

Well, enough of that! Kirk is on his way here as I'm writing this. He had to leave a bit later than usual to prepare a very important RFP (or something) that's due in the morning for a very important client. Kirk called an hour or so ago and said he was not sleepy, since he'd gone to bed early enough last night. I always hate it when he drives here so late. He must be made of sturdier stuff than me. I know I'd have to pull over and end up sleeping the whole night through on the side of the road!

I'm excited to report that the people upstairs have finally calmed down enough to stop what sounds like elephant mating. Every once in a while I hear the sound of an Arabic-sounding dialect coming from the patio above. I wonder what's got them so riled up!? Could it be the stock market's sudden descent? Or just a baby that won't go to sleep. Or maybe I'm just going to bed a bit early (11:30PM!) for most humans, who (apparently) like to take their elephants for a walk around their apartment before turning in for the night.

(Can you guess what the picture is above? I'll give you 2 hints: it's green and it sits on a pond.)

Photographs of My New Apartment and Julie

2007-07-25T12:58:00.001-04:00

Finally, photos! Here are the pictures I've been promising. As you can see, I now have a great apartment with a great view of the "lake" and its fountains. The French doors lead to the patio overlooking the water. I've also included a picture of Julie. She reminds me very much of Jim (Patti's husband). She's a lot of fun and I'm so blessed to have her as a caregiver (that's for sure.) And though I didn't take pictures of my first apartment (meaning: you have no point of comparison,) this apartment is much more suited to my needs. Mainly, I really need to see people out walking around the lake or the Muslim children riding their little bikes as their mothers dressed in black from head to toe watch from the steps. In summary, all these blessings lift my mood by keeping me connected with the general hub bub of humanity.

Yesterday was another long day at MDA. I was there from 8AM to 5PM doing various things. During that time I actually found time to go work out with the physical therapy team. I was evaluated a month ago and found that my general health had actually improved. The only problem I need to work on really is my endurance.

My red blood count was not as high on my labs as I would like. Despite that, I still have energy and no headaches. So it is not such a problem. All other counts are good. Every day it seems I am feeling better and finding myself able to do more physically.

The other good thing is that I do not need to go back to the hospital until Friday. My days were reduced to two (Tuesdays and Fridays,) which is very good.

A Game of Wii

2007-07-24T11:20:00.001-04:00

It's a long Tuesday at MDA today. Longer than usual, since I'm here at 8AM for some blood work. Good thing I'm feeling better.

Tonight or tomorrow I plan to take pictures of the new apartment so I can post them on this blog.

Last night, I played games for the first time on a Wii. Bowling...electronically is the best way to describe it, if you've never played on a Wii. The Wii belongs to my new caregiver, Julie, who is a niece of mine by my ex-husband. Things are working out well with her. We seem to actually like watching the same sorts of things on television. Watched stupid mind candy liked "Age of Love" last night. The night before we watched her DVD of Kira Knightly (sp?) in Pride and Prejudice. It was the first time I'd seen it. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I've been eating and exercising better lately. Last night, believe it or not, the weather was so nice out, it was really nice getting out for a walk around the lake that's right outside my patio.

Friday I have a bone marrow biopsy and then some tests on Monday to see how I'm doing with the cancer. I fully expect that they'll find nothing left. The full report probably won't be out until next Tuesday (that's when I see the doctor typically).

I praying that I won't need any more red blood infusions, since they are having a shortage around here. It makes it difficult to get units of blood. Whatever the case, I've learned that able-bodied people ought to go out right now and give blood, if they can. It's a shortage that happens every summer apparently.

Saturday Update

2007-07-21T22:42:00.000-04:00

My computer and e-mail (swilder@ccccd.edu) are working again. I've moved into the new apartment. (Pics tomorrow!) To obtain my new address see the right side of this blog. For my new land line, call my cell phone. My new apartment does not have an answering machine, so if I'm not here it will simply ring and ring. I am only going to the hospital now on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Computer Virus...Better It Than Me

2007-07-21T00:24:00.000-04:00

My computer crashed a few days ago, so I've been unable to check e-mail or update my blog until just now. Actually, I think CCCCD must be updating their system because I can't even check my e-mail tonight. The problem is usually resolved by morning, so I'll try again then. If you've got an urgent message to send, try sending it to Kirk's work e-mail at kwilder@symphonysms.com.

Tomorrow I'll be moving into my new apartment with the better view. Monday, I'll have a caregiver. My neice from Vernon's family. She's a lovely young woman with so much to offer. I feel very blessed about all these changes. And Kirk and Jacob are here to help me make them.

My red blood went down to 8 today, so I was given a unit to bring my color and energy back. I do feel almost instantly better. It's been two weeks since my last infusion. But this is my third. It is not unususal for this kind of thing to happen while in recovery for an allogeneic transplant. I am just grateful that I now have energy again. I had become quite the couch potato this last week. It was difficult just walking across the room a few times, so I slept a lot. Not too good for my mind or for my body. So receiving the blood means I can pick up my exercise again. Hopefully, my body will take over from this point.

All my other counts are normal.

Cassy is doing fine on the antibiotic Kirk's been giving her daily. The cat chewed out all of his stitches, but that turned out to be fine, too.

It was looking very very hot and uncomfortable here in Houston last week. Then it rained all week and *poof* better weather. I mean, better for Houston, that is.

Prayer request: red blood count going and staying at normal; my new caregiver--working out the kinks in our relationship; travel for Kirk and Jacob as they head back to Frisco; my state of mind--as I begin to spend time alone before Julie comes after work.

New Digs

2007-07-16T11:00:00.000-04:00

I discovered on Sunday that I have the opportunity to move into an apartment that overlooks a lake here at the apartments. There are many aspects of this apartment with a view that I think will help my recovery. For one, I'll be able to comfortably have breakfast on the patio because the position of the apartment in relation to the rising and setting of the sun is more favorable. Secondly, it is on the first floor, more central to the fitness center and all the walkers and runners who regularly visit the lake in the evenings. I know this will inspire me to walk more as well as help me not to feel so isolated. I have a bicycle that I haven't been able to use since being on the third floor means having to carry it down several flights of stairs. In a first floor apartment near a riding path, I'll more easily be able to ride the bike. The nicest of all three pools in the complex is also closer to this other apartment. Even though I can't really swim at this point, I find it can be a very nice experience to go down to the pool area when the sun is not too high and read.

So on Sunday I'll be moving into this new apartment. My address will be the same, except for the apartment number. It will be #1116.

Tuesday I'm getting together with a nice girl Lynn hooked me up with, who may work out well as a caregiver for me during my last month/month and a half of time here in Houston. She's going to come by my room on at the ATC unit on the 10th floor around 2PM on Tuesday. Then we'll discuss the arrangement we'd have if she were my caregiver and try to catch up. The last time I saw her she was probably around 6-8 years old and it was at a funeral for Vernon's nephew in Mississippi.

There is another pet problem going on at home, I found out last night. This time it is our dog, Cassy, who has apparently started to urinate uncontrollably in the house. Some of the urine, according to Kirk, appears to have blood in it. So Cassy is at the vet's right now. I think it has been just too much for our animals these past few months since Kirk and I have had to be in Houston so much. I'm sure they are missing their masters (especially me). Neighbors have been so kind to step up and give love and care to our pets on weekends Kirk has come to Houston, but the stress may be starting to affect them in ways I'd never really considered.

Otherwise, I'm in good spirits and feeling good this morning, especially knowing I'll soon be living in an apartment that better suits my needs in these last few weeks of my treatment.

Oh, I'm not sure I mentioned this. According to the last report, my bone marrow is now 93% Lisa. I thrilled at this on many levels. The main being that my myeloid cells, which were infected with the cancer, are now almost completely replaced by my sister's cells. And my sister's cells do not accept cancer. Instead they fight it. The result is I've noticed a few mild side effects, which may or may not be GVHD. Some doctors believe a mild form of Graft vs. Host actually facilitates the Graft vs. Myeloma effect--something that is very good for a long term cure. Mostly I seem to have a slight rash that itches hardly at all and some intestinal issues that may actually be more related to a new medication I started last week. Whatever the case, I feel confident that I've been given a new start on life with Lisa's cells. And they are taking over so quickly. So like Lisa, you know. To take over so quickly. (Just joking.)

Prayer requests: Cassy (our dog) for her health; me for mild GVHD, if I get it at all and that my liver is protected and mended by the meds I'm taking; Kirk for his ability to bring the big accounts he's slaving away on to fruition; Jacob and Vernon for their safety and fun at Grand Canyon; Julie and me that we would "click" and that she will work out as a caregiver.

Praise reports: my headaches bother me less and less; 93%!; Martin (our cat) doing better; Friday I had a reaction to an IV med, but it was easily managed with an IV of Benadryl.

Garage Sailing

2007-07-14T19:26:00.000-04:00

This morning while it was still nice (though somewhat muggy all the same,) Kirk and I went Garage "Sailing" in the area. We found about three garage/yard sales, but only two were worth a visit. At one, I made a huge find: four Fire King bowls with handles. Fire King is collectible, though these particular bowls were less so because they were white. But I like them and don't plan to sell them. And we need them. The bowls that came with the apartment are kind of grim--too large to balance on the hand and too shallow to keep from spilling.

I also found a crocheted cap, which I washed carefully. We'll have to see how it works out.

We visited, as well, a bead shop different from the one in Rice Village. I decided to buy enough beads to make a necklace to give myself an art project.

Right now, we're on our way out the door to take a look at a campground that some patients at MDA have raved about. It is actually in the city, not far from here. We're going to check it out.

A Beautiful Day

2007-07-12T23:17:00.000-04:00

There was something really beautiful about today. I was so down on Wednesday. Even called to ask a friend in this area to pray with me over the phone. My counts were all so good, but I was feeling terrible. The only word that I can think of to describe the feeling I had Wednesday is "claustrophobic."

But today I was released in ways too profound to justify in this entry. Let's just say it was really quite beautiful. I had energy. Jacob and I played the card game Uno. I read a mystery book from a series that is about as light and uncomplicated as can be. I took Jacob down to the pool, so he could do his training for the Grand Canyon. Then I still had enough energy to get some Mexican food at a local restaurant that is not usually very busy. Even the weather here in Houston seemed to cooperate...it was not nearly as muggy this afternoon or evening as it has been. It rumbled and thundered like it was going to rain, but never did. Of course, my Magnesium was high enough on Wednesday to warrant only a small home infusion today.

I also had a nice talk with a possible caregiver, who would be able to stay with me nights Sundays through Thursdays. She is a student of MD Anderson working toward her Ph.D. She sounded very nice and I know her through relatives, so she may be a good alternative to someone being here 24/7. But I am still leaving things open. I was sort hoping for someone who could get me to my appointments, even stay with me at them, if possible. But, as I said, I'm open to possibilities.

Correction and Notice

2007-07-11T18:08:00.000-04:00

In my last entry, I said that I would start being alone Sunday night through Thursday afternoons next week--the week of July 15th. That was incorrect. It actually begins the week of July 22nd. What was I thinking? Jacob will not go back to Dallas until July 22nd. That is so he can get his backpacking equipment packed and ready for his big trip with his dad to the Grand Canyon, which I believe starts July 29th. They both are hiking together down to Phantom Ranch for a night, then taking two nights to hike out. On the way, Jacob's dad has planned some visits with Vernon's sister and my mom/Lisa, Randy and Sam in New Mexico.

However, when I mentioned to Dr. Popat that I would be without a caregiver Sundays through Thursdays, he said it was really not an acceptable arrangement. It's important, he said, to have someone with you, who can help during those sudden downturns in health. I have already experienced that a couple of times and was lucky enough to have Kirk or Jacob with me, so I got what Dr. Popat was saying.

Thankfully, my dad has offered to pay for a caregiver. I am so honored by this...and grateful. So, in light of this, I've started putting the word out to friends and family who have connections with persons who are able to do this in the Houston or surrounding areas.

What I'm looking for is someone who can live with me Sunday nights through Thursday mornings or afternoons starting July 22nd or 29th, 2007 and probably continuing until the end of August--about 4-5 weeks. This person would not need to stay weekends, but if they needed to they certainly could. The apartment I'm living in is very nice and has an 2nd bedroom with a bathroom to its own. What I need is a nurturing companion type of person who can do some light cleaning and cooking around the apartment. On days when I go to M D Anderson, this person would need to drive me there and stay with me in my room, perhaps running light errands in the clinic, but mostly just staying with me for the hours I am receiving treatment. Pay would be commiserate with experience, but this person does not need to have nursing capabilities.

If you are connected to a church in the Houston area, even as far as Austin, and know someone who is interested, please contact me by e-mail (swilder@ccccd.edu) or phone (if you know it) and let me know. Or interested persons may inquire themselves. Someone with a upbeat, nurturing personality would be best. References may be necessary for those inquiring with connections to old friends or family.

Now, I should also tell you that today was a really good day in terms of my counts. All of them were UP today. My white blood was actually normal, and red blood was not far behind. The Magnesium was high enough for me to take a smaller infusion home with me for tomorrow. Praise God! Kirk comes tomorrow and I can hardly wait. I feel as if I haven't seen him in forever.

Cat Scan Wednesday

2007-07-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

It appears as if next week will be the beginning of my "home alone" experience in this phase of my treatment. Kirk can come Thursday, but he will leave and take Jacob with him on Sunday. That means I'll be here taking care of things on my own Mondays through Thursdays for a while.

This Wednesday I am having a CAT Scan to see if I've got something going on with my sinuses that may be triggering my headaches. I am hoping this will help my team to treat the headaches as sinus-itus rather than migraines. I was able to keep headaches away today for the most part. But they are always literally "knocking at the door" (ie. throbbing) and waiting for a chance to become a full blown terrible headache.

Aside from this and feeling a little sleepy, I had a pretty good day. Most days, in fact, up to this point have been mostly like the one I had today. Just a little tired, just a little headache-y. Mainly, I think from the infusion of Magnesium, which has that effect on me, I think.

I am making progress, though, from my perspective, it seems slow. My team seems to think I'm doing marvelously. And making progress rather quickly. All I know is that I am trusting God to get through this next part.

Please continue to pray for Kirk and that my counts go up to where they need to be and stay there. Also that the headaches be cured with information from the CAT scan.

Day 33: Missing Kirk Again

2007-07-08T15:26:00.001-04:00

The two units of blood I received Friday must have worked because today I do feel more like myself. I'm on the last hour of my home infusion of Magnesium...usually the hardest part. Toward the last hour of the infusion the Magnesium makes me feel hot, almost as if I have a sunburn and can give me a headache and/or make me nauseated. I'm thinking that if I can distract myself by writing, perhaps my "end" reactions won't be so noticeable.

Mom just called from Albuquerque. She had a lay over in El Paso, but the flight was uneventful. Once again, she was so helpful. There's lots of food in the frig to heat up for the coming days before Kirk will be here because of her. I'm so glad she was able to make it work in her schedule to be here again for another week. I'm not sure how I would have made it through the "endless" Friday, if it hadn't been for her. She managed to do all the wash, as well. But her greatest contribution was her perspective, which made me feel supported and loved through the day in and day out of my treatment. Thank you, mom. I love you so much.

Kirk reports now that the cat has chewed out all of his stitches, despite doctor's orders that he not do this. Amazingly, it appears he is unscathed by his behavior. The surgical wound has healed, though Kirk is going to ask the vet it there's anything that he should watch for. That cat just will not be held down by anything.

These days I, too, find myself chewing out my own "stitches," but in the emotional world...not the physical. I am at day 33. The earliest anyone has gone home from this experience is day 84. That leaves 51 days...about one month and a half...before I can hope to go home. Thank God there are little victories along the way. For example, when I was suddenly reduced from going into the outpatient clinic 7 days a week to only 3 days a week. My next step will be reduction to 2 days a week...probably Tuesdays and Fridays (according to my APN.) But I will be happiest when I can start reducing the amount of Cyclosporine I'm taking. August 10th will be another major step because I'll have a bone marrow biopsy that will indicate what is going on with the cancer. Of course, I know they'll find nothing. I'm just looking forward to the proof of my healing.

I'm having I must admit some issues with loneliness. I had mom here and that helped. I have Jacob here and that is wonderful. But I miss Kirk, who I get to see so rarely it is really starting to bother me. Talking to him on the phone sometimes actually just makes it worse. I don't know how to explain this. Mom sends lots of cards. People do call. I wish it were possible to exchange the presence of my loving husband for the presence of others, but it just can't be done. I miss him terribly and find myself resenting anyone and anything that prevents him from being here. It is almost unbearable to go through this last treatment for the cancer without him. The few days he was here were awesome, though three days can hardly make up for the ten he had to be gone.

Tonight Jacob and I will make a trek to a drive-in movie theater, so we can see a movie on the big screen. Of course, it wouldn't be prudent for me to go see a movie in a movie theater right now. I'm being very careful about protecting myself from catching anything, as my doctors recommend. I hope I have enough energy to go through with it. The movie starts at 9PM and probably won't be over until around 11PM. Then I'll have to drive back to the apartment. I feel as if it will be okay, but I'll just have to take it as it comes. If I'm not ready to leave at 8PM, then we'll wait until Kirk is here to give this a try.

Kirk has noticed that I have a few more typos in my blog lately. He's worried that this is a sign that things are "not as they should be" with me. I want everyone to know...it's true: things aren't "as they should be," but only because I miss Kirk so much. I often read over the blog and notice these typos. I just don't have any motivation to go back and change them. Motivation for me has often come from Kirk. I mean, I'm able to motivate myself...and have for years...but now that I'm weakened physically as well...my motivation has slipped a bit. Especially without my sweetheart here.

I love Kirk so much.

Two More Units Friday

2007-07-07T22:40:00.000-04:00

Since I felt well enough to travel a little bit, we all took a trip to Tomball to see my aunt Daphne today. She's living in an assisted living complex there, but may have to move because of a recent incident. She's taking hydrocodone for pain, and I blame it entirely for any erratic behaviors she may be exhibiting. Apparently she's been knocking on neighbors doors late at night when the train goes by or when she doesn't get an immediate response from her caregiver who comes when she pulls a cord.

Hydrocodone is one of those medications that I believe can make you rather paranoid, if you take it long enough. And I think she's been taking it long enough. I had much better luck with Ultram, but it takes more effort on the doctor's part to prescribe it. Something about triplicate forms.

Friday was one crazy long day at MD Anderson. We arrived at our usual time at the Diagnostic area to give a blood sample. Once again the phlebotomist didn't know that I was "holding" my cyclosporine until after the blood draw. I decided to put my foot down and ask her to call my team to set things on the right schedule. I had this feeling that my cyclosporine levels hadn't been check for almost two weeks.

Next, we were on our way to the 10th floor where we proceeded to wait almost an hour and a half for a room. At 12:30PM, I joked about starting a riot, but didn't get a lot of energy for or against. People were just too sick to fight back. Finally I got a room. The three of us--mom, me and Jacob--snuggled into the room. By this time, I'd started to get a migraine again. Very discouraging. I prayed. Turned out the lights. Thought of what pills I could take. But nothing was working.

When the nurse who sets up my Magnesium drip arrived, I poured out my woes to her. Fortunately, this brought my team. I now have a new Pharm D named Jamie and Lynn, my APN, was back from vacation. I explained what was going on with the migraines. Lynn had already ordered two units of blood for the day, since my hemogoblin was low again. Lynn suggested that lack of oxygen from low blood may be the reason for the migraines of late. That made sense to me, but she also asked if it might be sinusitus. I agreed it might be related, so they're going to do a CT scan on Monday to check for that. Frankly, I'm glad. If I have a sinus infection, it would certainly explain some of my symptoms.

So instead of just taking the usual migraine meds for the headache that came up today after my visit to Aunt Daphne, I also took a sinus med. It actually helped and gave me some relief. So Lynn may be right. We'll see on Monday.

Mom leaves tomorrow for Santa Fe and it'll be just Jacob and me again. I'm surely going to miss her. Kirk is home nursing the cat back to health. He's eating wet food now and appears to have ripped out all of his stitches (which he wasn't supposed to do...by the way.)

Meanwhile, I am actually started to feel like my old self again. It's great. I can watch stuff on television without crying and food tastes good to me. I still don't eat as much as I did, but I wonder if I ever will. Food just isn't that important to me any more.

I'm hoping the infusion of extra red blood has done the trick and pray that I won't need more again on Friday again. I would really like to get off this Cyclosporine. Slowly. The way they talk about doing it when it's time. Whatever the case, I'm feeling stronger these days. Maybe I'm sleeping more. Anyway, I just thank God that I'm heading in the right direction. My hair is growing and people say I look healthy. That makes me feel so good.

Thanks to all of you sending cards and letters. It means a lot. It is very difficult to go through something like this and your cards and letters let me know you care. (The address is on the right had side in the messages section of the blog.) Call if you like, as well. My cell has the number for the apartment land line on it. If I don't answer my cell, please use the land line. There's always some good reason I can't answer it. Rarely, I'm just too tired. But most of the time the reception on the cell is just not good or I'm running out of minutes on my cell.

I continue to ask and desire for you all to pray. With no signs of GVHD, I know God's intervention due to your prayers is a big part of the reason. August is still wide open as to a caregiver. Maybe it's just God's will for me to be here alone Monay through Thursday. Right now, I'm pretty sure it would not be a good thing. But in August...who's to say how I'll feel?

A Cat and a Spool of Thread

2007-07-05T21:33:00.000-04:00

Kirk arrived in Houston as planned despite our cat who managed to get himself into a (literal) bind by swallowing almost half a spool of thread. Thankfully, Kirk got him to the vet in time. The cat did end up having to be knocked out while the vet tried to carefully pull out the thread. Unfortunately, he had swallowed just too much, so he had to have the ball of string surgically removed. It had even gone into his intestine a little. But he is recovering at the vet's even as I speak and Kirk cut his visit short to go an tend to him. Good for the cat, but not so good for me...since I only had a few days with Kirk before he has to turn around and go back to Dallas. Kirk promised to return as soon as possible, so I'm okay.

My counts on the 4th of July were very good, though the Magnesium could still be higher. My white blood was actually in the normal range! Everyone is pleased with my progress (by God's grace.) I have finally started to feel as if I have more energy. I even got an unexpected migraine, which usually means other things are returning to normal in my body. Though I hated having the migraine, it was a nice sign that my cycle may be returning to me. They gave me a bunch of meds in my IV to help me with it on Wednesday...so many meds that I had to be wheeled out to the car by Kirk. I think I fell asleep in the chair in the elevator. Of course, even those meds did not knock out the migraine until I had really slept for a bit at home. Then, like in the old days, my migraine returned and I was able to catch it soon enough and bring it under control.

Today, I actually had enough energy to go shopping with mom and Kirk! Then we ate out at a Mexican food restaurant with few patrons (for some reason...even though it's very good.) Thank you, Jesus. I feel almost normal again. It doesn't hurt to walk. My muscles aren't sore. I am eating well. Not like I used to eat, but my appetite is really good. I also sleep well most nights.

My former sister-in-law, Lynn, called out of the blue. She is a caregiver and may know someone in this area who could be paid to help me out in the month of August...which is still a blank slate in terms of having someone with me during the days of the week through Thursday. It was so great talking to her. She is one of the most angelic women I've ever known in all my life. She's amazing! She lived in this area for some time and promised to contact her church to see if they know of someone I could pay for care.

Insurance at Kirk's work has now switched to United Health Care, but it looks as if the coverage for lodging during a transplant is the same as it was under Aetna. It took FOREVER for me to get to the person who knew this information, but I finally got it figured out. There was a problem with one of the antibiotics being covered because it needed "pre-approval," but somehow it was worked out.

Thanks to all of you who've been praying me to wellness. I ask God daily to bless you in whatever way you specifically need blessing. It is a very good thing you have done for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Overcast Day

2007-07-02T10:27:00.000-04:00

It looks so overcast outside that I wonder if Houston has any chance of being able to see fireworks on the 4th in two days. It's been like this for a day or two, so there's always that chance it'll burn off.

I heard from my former sister-in-law, Lynn, last night. She called because she'd just heard about my illness. She is actually a caregiver right now for an older lady. She has friends at a church in the Houston area, and she said she'd see if there was anyone available in August that we could pay to live with me.

I'm not sure I'll need it, but I think it would be nice to have a companion during that period of time. Lynn said she'd get back to me about it next week.

The only thing that hurts these days is my feet. The more I walk around the less they hurt, so I'm going to make every effort to do so today. I guess all this sleeping and sitting around (due to lack of energy) has had an effect on my feet. They don't really hurt they just ache and tingle a little now and then.

Tomorrow, it's back to the outpatient clinic. I'm curious to know how the hemoglobin will read since I had a unit of blood on Friday. I think I am only feeling the good effects of that today. They said it would give me a boost of energy.

Kirk says the kitty is coming back to normal. I think he's going to be fine. He's hiring a little girl down the street to come and take care of our animals while he's down here in Houston. I sure do look forward to seeing him this Wednesday. Sometimes I think it is missing him that makes me feel worse than I actually am physically.

Mom Is Back in Houston!

2007-07-01T20:22:00.000-04:00

I was feeling a bit sick today, so I'm glad mom is here. I slept four hours after we got back from the airport, then woke up very hungry. That's always a good sign. I'm hungry even as I write this blog. Maybe that's one of the things that's bothering me. I'm just not used to being all that hungry of late.

I even took my temperature. It was only slightly above normal. Mom's making dinner and I'm so blessed to have her here. Now Jacob can relax and be a kid, and I can relax and not feel well if that's what I'm feeling.

Please pray for my kitty at home. He's been a bit lethargic these last few days. Kirk says he's on the mend, since he's started eating and coming around for pets again. If he's not totally up to snuff soon, Kirk'll be taking him to the vet for a check up. I think Kirk may have let the kitty litter go to long. So he was throwing up.

It's time for dinner, so I'm going to go eat. Since I'm so hungry and all.

Fireworks

2007-06-30T11:24:00.000-04:00

Last night Jacob and I could hear a fireworks show, but we were too tired to do more than look out from the balcony to see what part of the sky they were displaying. I think they must be over Reliant Stadium, which I think can be seen from the roof of the parking garage. If it happens again tonight, I'm determined to figure out where they can be seen. It is Fourth of July weekend after all.

I woke up feeling pretty good and more energetic thanks to my infusion of red blood cells yesterday. The Reid's church in England I know is praying for me because Ruth Reid has sent me a couple of e-mails asking how I'm doing. I asked for prayer about different things. Mostly what I've already been asking all of you to pray for.

Finding ways to occupy my time is something of a struggle these days. Kirk did bring a Russian translation I've been working on for my Ph.D., but I haven't had the energy until (perhaps) now to put some time into it. There's always housekeeping types of things to do, as well. I've considered starting on a couple of sonnets, which I feel may be just the thing. I'd love to go walk the mall, but I know that it will be incredibly busy this weekend of the 4th. People just won't be able to stay away when the Galleria is having a sale. Lots of people unfortunately means lots of germs, so I'll have to stay home.

Thanks to Chris (my new friend here in Houston) I've got a lot of CD's to listen to. She and Kathy (our mutual friend in Frisco) are praying for me, as are tons of other people. If I were to list them all, I know I wouldn't be able to do it without missing a name. Thanks again to all of you who are praying.

There's a really great pool on the ground floor of our apartment building. I'll probably get Jacob to go swimming, so he can have some exercise.

A VERY Long Day

2007-06-29T22:28:00.000-04:00

It was a very long day today at the clinic. I had to go in at 8AM and have blood drawn every hour or so until 4:30PM! I know now why I was starting to feel better. My white blood count had gone up to 2.4, which is quite a leap from 2.0. All other counts were good as well, including the Magnesium. But my red blood went down too far and I had to receive a unit of blood. They were so careful with matching it to my blood that it took 2 hours for them to get it to me. Then it took 2 hours for me to take it by IV. Jacob and I did not leave until 5:30PM.

Oddly enough, I had enough energy (perhaps because of the red blood) to stop and rent a movie for us to watch. I felt Jacob deserved some kind of fun since he was in the room with me the entire time...except when he'd go to the cafe for food. My appetite was better, but I feel like a clothes hanger that needs straightening. I sat in bed that long without the energy to get up except to go to the bathroom.

My doctors assure me that I am doing very well and that these things are all part of the process I am going through. I just praise God mom is coming Sunday and that I don't have to go in for 3 whole days. I am also blessed that Kirk is coming Wednesday. I need him more than I thought. There's just no one like him for reassurance.

Jacob has been such a good caregiver. He just did the dishes after feeding me a decent dinner. He brought me Gatorade today, though I forgot to ask him to get it. He's such a good boy. I feel blessed to have him, too.

Another Update

2007-06-28T10:45:00.000-04:00

The doctors say I'm doing great. The magnesium went back to the low end of normal yesterday! That means I can stop at taking only four tablets of Magnesium a day. This is good since the tablets have such a dastardly effect on my system. And my other counts are good enough. I would like to see my red blood counts going up more, then I would not feel so tired. Please pray for that.

I still have concerns for a caregiver in the month of August. Please pray concerning that. And please pray that Kirk's work situation is blessed with lots of sales and other unspoken concerns.

Today is my day off. It sure is nice. Then I'll have the whole weekend off. Mom comes Sunday.

I'm sleeping well. Really nothing bad to report.

Quick Update

2007-06-26T22:12:00.000-04:00

A praying friend whom I had not yet met in person just left the apartment. It was so great meeting her, since I've prayed and interacted with her on e-mail so many times. She traveled in Houston traffic to get here. But I'm so glad she came. It was a bright and shining light in the midst of what sometimes feels confusing and uncertain. We prayed, but mostly we talked about our backgrounds. Jacob stayed the whole time, talking with her too.

Kirk's first business flight was unexpectedly canceled (after hours of trying to make it work in the airport.) The reason: weather...somewhere between Dallas and his destination. But I'm not worried, since I've been praying for this meeting to go smoothly etc. for several days now. I know there is some reason he cannot be there physically. Two others from the company were close enough to actually be there for the meeting. He and the other two will participate from the Dallas office on a conference call. Pray that the meeting results is prosperous for all concerned.

My counts are pretty good. They still need to come up, though my doctors are not worried at all. I even went to physical therapy today. You're not supposed to be released to do that unless your "well enough." I was evaluated by a very nice physical therapist and ended up doing some exercise before it was time to go back up. The whole time I was, of course, attached to an IV pole. I was amazed at what I was able to do. And no nap was needed upon my return home! I'll go back Friday.

I am still sleeping very well, and this helps a lot when it comes to feeling peaceful about things. Jacob is doing a great job at being my caregiver. He does all the dishes regularly and makes sure I eat good things. I'm so proud of him. I know it'll be even more fun when Mom comes on Sunday.

Please pray for our apartment situation. We are not certain if the new insurance will pay for lodging. If it does not, we'll need to move into a "church apartment." There is a form we wanted faxed yesterday from Dr. Popat's office, but they lost the first page that had the fax number on it. It should go out in the morning. This will help us figure out what our next move will be.

Thanks for all of your prayers. My Magnesium hovers now around normal, but please pray it holds there so I don't have to take any more Magnesium in whatever form.

Departures, Arrivals and Lone Star Pride

2007-06-24T10:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Kirk's last full day here for the next 10 days, so we crammed in all the fun and food preparation possible. I wasn't up to or able to take a walk through the galleria, nor could I see a movie in the theater due to my counts being below normal. But we did watch a couple of DVD's. One of them I like more than the others: Music and Lyrics. I just loved the parody 80's group performance they called "Pop!"

Kirk and I also went for a car ride around the city. Our intention was to drive through the River Oaks neighborhood I'd heard about from friends. But first we found ourselves in the middle of Lone Star Pride festivities. I think every gay and lesbian couple within a 500 mile radius of Houston were lining the streets in preparation for a parade. Three young'uns were even dressed as Adam and Adam and Eve, but after the Fall as they wore nothing but ivy. God tried to dampen their jollity with a continual rain, but it t'were for nought. Everyone partied on.

Once we got out of that traffic snag, we employed the trusty (most of the time) GPS to find River Oaks Country Club. I was expecting to see grand houses, but I think their occupants were too "old money" for that. Maybe it was the rain, but these giant mansions seemed tired.

Jacob flies into Houston today at 12:30PM. I'm looking forward to seeing him, even though I know Kirk will be leaving soon after. Jacob will be the official heat and eat person, since Kirk spent much of the day cooking so that we'd have all we needed.

I am sleeping much better these days, thanks to your prayers and God. My only prayer request now is for my system to stop giving me fits over the Magnesium tablets I take each day.

It's been a relaxing weekend. Hope yours was, too!

A Weekend of Freedom

2007-06-23T12:22:00.000-04:00

Having to go in Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays only is great. This is my first weekend since the transplant June 5th that I've just stayed home, doing an infusion of Mg with a small pump that fits in a zippered pouch about the size of a tummy pack. This along with sleeping well last night and having Kirk here have helped my mood so much. What a relief! Friday was such a busy day at the outpatient clinic on the 10th floor. The whole time I was there one person after another came by. One to give me a new pill; another to flush one of my lines that wasn't working. So, needless to say, the time went by a bit faster than usual.

Today, Kirk and I are going to prepare food for this next week. Jacob will be here Sunday, but there won't be any other adults again until Mom returns on July 1st. We want to make some stew and a potato salad in batches big enough to eat all week, if necessary. There will be a visit from a new friend that I pray with a lot on Tuesday, but that's it. Thursday would be a great day for anyone else who wanted to visit, mainly for moral support.

I know that many of you have been following this blog to pray for me. You should know that God has heard you and all the good things I've been experiencing are directly related to your petitions. I thank the Lord for you.

If I have any other prayer requests, it is for continued stress-reduction for Kirk at work. I am also thinking of August when my caregiver schedule leaves me alone Mondays through Thursdays. I know that by then my needs will have changed from what they are now. However, I'm fairly certain even a short visit in the early or late afternoon will help to raise my spirits on those days. This as well as making sure I have things to eat, since going to the store is not always easy when avoiding crowds is the mandate from MD Anderson. Please pray concerning this. I'm not supposed to go further than 30 minutes from MD Anderson, but I bet by August they'll let me loose a bit more. So maybe I'll be coming to see you, if you live in this area.

A Special Thanks to My Mom

2007-06-21T10:25:00.000-04:00

My mom returned to Santa Fe, NM yesterday. She did so much for me while she was here that I really wanted to thank her publicly. While she was here, I was going through the most difficult part of this allo transplant. She took care of my every need. Cooking, doing dishes and laundry, and just being there. Every day she took me to my appointments, sat with me in waiting rooms, and provided moral support at every turn. I feel so blessed and lucky to have such a great mom.

She even made sure Kirk and I had lots of different healthy and delicious foods to heat and eat. I felt how especially great that was yesterday afternoon when I drove myself home for the first time, arriving home hungry and ready for dinner. Everything was at the ready. I just put the pot of chicken on to heat and voila...dinner! I really needed that because I was almost too hungry to make anything!

I'm going to miss her quiet talks with me, watching Family Feud on television and just having her around. She's got so much to offer. She's coming back July 1 for another week when Jacob is here. I look forward to all that we'll be able to do then when I'm feeling even better than I feel now.

Kirk is here now. I can hear him talking on the phone for his work. It was so great last night having him back by my side on the bed. I sure do miss his sweet face, I can tell you! But he's here now and all's well. I wish he could be here all the time, but I'm just going to enjoy it while he's here.

I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. I'm still not sleeping to well, though I took a Benadryl to help in that direction. I woke up feeling a little achy, probably from walking again yesterday. There are several flights of stairs to and from our apartment. My muscles haven't used like that since before two or three weeks ago. Once I start moving around, the aches pretty much go away...so it's all good.

My only prayers needs right now are for better sleep, relaxation on days off and for Kirk (who's under some pretty high stress).

Thank you for your prayers so far!

Down to a Three-Day Schedule

2007-06-20T20:28:00.000-04:00

Wonder of wonders. I am now officially on a three-day schedule. Starting next week I will go in to the outpatient clinic (sounds oxymoronic, huh?) only on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. My next appointment is Friday and no weekend visit. Kirk comes in tonight (actually in about 5 minutes.) Then Jacob on Sunday.

I feel so blessed. My "probation" of treatment has been reduced. Thank you, Jesus!

Thank those of you who prayed for the Magnesium in my body to rise because it did. I am now officially in the low end of the "normal" range. From 1.6 to 1.8. I attribute this to your prayers and an inspiration (from the Lord, I'm sure) to eat more greens, almonds and Mg-fortified soy drinks. I am also taking the Mg Oxide pills only with food. (The other night I took one very late at night on an empty stomach and woke up nauseated....)

I am doing very well. Counts are rising. Things are very good.

Apparently, the Mg will be an issue as long as I'm on Cyclosporine, the immune suppresent I'm taking. I'll taper off of that eventually and Mg will not be an issue.

The white blood count went back down, but that is a normal fluctuation. Pray for continued raising of my "counts," since I am eager to have a healthy immune system to the best of my ability until I'm off the Cyclosporine.

Lots to Report

2007-06-19T21:09:00.000-04:00

Woke up this morning feeling nauseated. It got me down for a bit, until I remembered that I had taken a "lone" Magnesium Oxide tablet at 10:30PM before going to bed. They're supposed to be taken with food, but I'd forgotten to take it...so I downed it. I felt lousy all night with it. I probably would have done better to throw it up and start over the next day. But I was determined to not have to report that I'd done THAT to anyone.

Worried that it might be GVHD (since I've started engrafting,) I called Chris, a friend I've recently made who prays over the phone and lives here in Houston. We prayed and I realized as we were praying that I didn't have anything serious going on. My team at MDA confirmed this. Mg tablets are my best way to break away from having to come in for IV infusions. But everybody has good days and bad days from taking them.

By 2PM or so, I was feeling fine. I'm sure it was a mix if prayer and an Ativan. It evening now, though, all the meds I would have taken to lessen the nausea are done. But I still feel excellent. I ate a RATHER ROBUST dinner that mom so kindly made for me.

I had an experience of God these last few days. I've been inspired by the Holy Spirit to read a verse I felt I'd been given back in the early days of my return from the first transplant. The verse was about Hezikiah, a king of Judah in the book of Isaiah who was healed from a skin condition that threatened his life. Interestingly, God used medicines and a treatment to heal him.

Of course, you may remember that from my experience with Ruth Reid I ascertained the same word concerning my healing through this transplant procedure. She, too, was healed of breast cancer (20 year-survivor...so far) by an aggressive treatment she received while in Argentine. Her belief is that God brought to that place in that time so she could receive the most progressive treatment possible. It was not easy...for she had to be for a time separated from Michael, her husband...just as I am separated from Kirk.

To add to this experience, early Monday morning I awoke at 4:30AM unable to go back to sleep. I turned on the television and there was Beth Moore (a bible study writer I've been told to check out many times) touting her most recent study. The show touched me, as the guest and hosts, The Robinson, shared parallel experiences with depression as I have experienced in my life.

The next day I found one of Beth Moore's books called Breaking Away. In the first chapter, to my amazement, there was the story of Hezikiah. Beth Moore noted, as did I, that this was an example of a king healed by God's intervention in a medical procedure.

That was a very wonderful confirmation for me concerning my choice to go on with the 2nd translant. And things are going well with it. I am probably going to get my 1st weekend off! That does not usually happen sooner than the first month. I am only two weeks into the procedure, so I am pleased with my rapid progress. Especially pleased and thankful to the Lord from making things go so well.

There are many things to be thankful for these days. Renee, an old friend who has a rare form of lymphoma that presents itself in an itchy rash, is finding her "dark splotches" lightening with every dose of the trial med she is taking. Praise God! Please pray for her to begin feeling warm again...she is cold all the time...and to remove the terrible night itch.

Also, a man at my mom's work who was in an unconscious state because of a stomach ulcer gone bad woke up today. He is now his old self, laughing and making jokes. I am so glad for him!

Chris and I decided to re-schedule until next Tuesday, since that is when it will be just me and Jacob. I look forward to getting to meet her.

Please pray that my counts will continue to rise...especially my Magnesium. It fluctuates and, as a result, I must continue taking the Mg infusions and tablets, which upset my stomach, make me hot all over and give me a brief but distressing rash. It is a common side effect of Cyclosporine to have a reduction, which can become serious, of electrolytes. Being low on Mg also feels bad...leg cramps, soreness, inability to relax my muscles...etc. I want none of this...so please pray.

An Update on Father's Day

2007-06-17T18:08:00.000-04:00

I felt as if something changed last night while I was sleeping. Like I started engrafting with Lisa's cells. It was a good feeling. My counts were the same as far as Magnesium and WB goes, but other things are rising nicely. I felt a bit of a rash, but it was from the Magnesium. It heats my body and I get a heat rash.

It's Father's Day and I've been playing Hearts on my computer (a new discovery) for much of the day. I'm done with my treatment for the day. Mom went to see Aunt Daphne while I infused.

A Good Day

2007-06-16T13:25:00.000-04:00

Today is good day. My Magnesium went up finally...about 1/10 of a point to 1.6! Normal range is 1.8, and, for a while, I seemed to be stuck at 1.4. Mg is important for electrolytes, which are important for a bunch of other reasons electrolytes are important. Other counts went up, too, except for White Blood, which has--as predicted--held to a low point, because of the Cyclosporine (probably.)

Mom is planning to visit Aunt Daphne today. She lives about an hour from here. Kirk will be here Wednesday evening...about the time mom is leaving for Santa Fe. Jacob is doing his final packing for BSA camp. Family "things" are starting to become resolved. Thank you, Jesus!

I'm, of course, writing this from my out patient room on Rose 10. Another 4-hour treatment, then I'm out of here. The weekends are pretty bleak around here...but BORING is good when it comes to this kind of treatment, right? Thank you God for BORING.

I'm going to finish my paper today, so that Kirk can send it to my professor. That will, hopefully, take care of my INCOMPLETE a couple of months before the deadline. It's a good paper and I've had people reading it for errors. I'm glad to be getting it completely done.

I should start engrafting some time tomorrow or next week. Please pray that I'll take Lisa's cells with ease and in accordance with God's will. No GVHD. No complications whatsoever.

Thanks for your prayers so far. They have certainly brought MANY GOOD THINGS into my experience of this treatment.

Explanation

2007-06-15T21:37:00.000-04:00

In case you're wondering why I wrote that depressing entry (ie. poem) today, you should first know that, for most of you, it has nothing to do with you. A week before I went home from my autologous transplant, for one reason or another, something happened between members of this family that has yet to be resolved. Sometimes it gets to me and the result is a depressing poem like the one I wrote today. There was a time when I would have apologized for expressions of emotion such as sad poems because I was sure I had offended somebody. Since cancer, I think I'm less concerned about what people think of what I write and this inspires me to let the poem be as it is.

Whatever the case, I wish to make it known to God and everybody that I am really looking forward to the resolution of things surrounding this issue. There's nothing like cancer to make re-evaluation more vocation than fancy. And I have certainly done my share of this heart-wrenching soul-searching that seemed like such a cliche when I encountered it before.

For my part, I feel as if I've done as much as I can. Calls were made and it was satisfying at least in one case. For this I am grateful. The rest is still unresolved and the unquiet in my soul appears once in a while to shake me and say: pray about this, Sherry. For that is all I can do.

It is in God's hands.

However, this last part of my cure--the allogeneic transplant--isn't easy and the longer silence reigns when it should not...the more resolved I become to let people go who once I held so dear. And this makes me sad.

For those of you who continue to stand by me...thank you with all my heart. Your prayers to God has moved Him to take care of me in ways I never dreamed of. You are part of my healing, and, for that, I am grateful. And so blessed. Thank you again.

Summer Quiet

2007-06-15T09:13:00.000-04:00

The quiet is sometimes too loud for me.
I turn on the television to hear the sound of voices.
But noise is all I hear.

I scour my e-mails
As if bleaching them will make me smile.
But such chastisement is not within me.

I long to bring people within my skin
By some Spirit-driven power
Give insight to my situation. But it belies inspiration.

Where are the friendly voices I once heard so often?
Have they abandoned me
When abandonment cannot be forgotten?

Yes and yes. There can be no other answer.
I thank God for the time
When I can hear only His voice

Because so many others are silent.

A Lot of Waiting

2007-06-14T11:13:00.000-04:00

It's a lot waiting in waiting rooms these days, but mom and I find things to do. Mom took the required CVC care classes, so today she could do what is called a DEMO. That means she'll change my dressing in front of a nurse who'll give her the ALL CLEAR for having the honor of changing my dressing. Infusion Therapy requires people to take the class twice so they don't miss anything. I'm hoping we'll be done with my daily infusion of Magnesium Sulfate to go to the DEMO by 3:30PM without having to drag my IV pole along with us.

I am expecting a miracle today...in terms of my levels today. God is going to bring up my Magnesium serum levels today. I can just feel it. My other counts are doing as is customary and normal for someone taking the kinds of medications I'm taking.

I'm so glad mom is here. I know I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if she weren't here. The first month is a lot about being tired and think I would have slept through some important things...like dinner and medications...if mom hadn't been there to wake me up.

Jacob is about to be off for Boy Scout Camp. It should be fun for him. He gets to do a lot of fun things! Like Advanced Sailing! I'm looking forward to seeing him, though. I do miss having my family around me.

It will be great when Kirk can come back to Houston (if only for a visit.) I miss him a lot.

Mom had no trouble extending her flight departure to next Wednesday, so I'm covered until then. Then Kirk comes. Jacob will be here after Boy Scout Camp.

Finally...An Update

2007-06-13T09:28:00.000-04:00

It hasn't been because I was too sick. I've actually been feeling pretty good. It hasn't been because I've been too busy. I've had time to write here and there. The reason I haven't written is more about a lack of energy, since I've been hanging out a lot at MD Anderson received Magnesium treatments and getting tired as my counts start getting low. Nothing unusual here. All of this was bound to happen.

It's a great blessing that this week and now that's she's extended it through much of next week, my mom will be here with me. She helps me in so many ways. I really don't know how I'd have made it as well as I have without her. A couple of nights were so tough I crawled in bed with her.

The problem: mainly headaches and a feeling that resembles what an electrical pole must feel when electricity hums up and down it. That is most likely due to my Cyclosporine counts being too high and will soon be remedied. My body gets so warm--almost more of a summer sunburn feeling--when I take Magnesium, so we've had to slow down the infusion quite a bit.

I've had great support from other friends. Especially a new prayer partner I call upon when I can. Sam Stringfield made me an adorable "W" with a sweet message on the back, which has meant so much to me. Randy also gave me something from his trips to Russia. I just love it.

Lisa is back, of course, in New Mexico, happy and healthy. All ill affects from the medication and the CVC they put in her leg (since her veins in her arms were too small). She sounds great. I can't wait to be in Santa Fe again partying and enjoying the beautiful surroundings there. They saw the "tornado" from their house that was shown on CNN this past weekend.

My White Blood Count is steadily going down...though slowly, while my Red count stays the same! Platelets are good. Found out I'm a carrier of something called CMV--a kind of herpes virus that gives you cold sores. That means taking another medication to prevent any outbreaks there.

Otherwise, all seems to be going just fine. I slept very well for the first time in a while last night. Mainly because a praying friend prayed I would.

I have stories about angels I've seen at MD Anderson, but I'll tell those in another blog.

Sunday on the ATC Bed Unit

2007-06-10T17:47:00.000-04:00

On Sundays, I receive my treatment on a different floor and section of MD Anderson. The internet connection there was not good and neither was my cell phone connection. Try as I might I could not update my blog or make calls while I was there, but I can now.

Kirk's back in Dallas now, and, by now, he's probably started on the lawn. I shouldn't see him again until Friday. But my mom is here. She's in the kitchen cutting up peaches she's going to cook for me.

I was low in Magnesium again, so the nurse gave me even more to infuse at home. It'll be done soon though. I decided if I was so deficient in Mg I needed to find out what I could eat to boost it. Halibut, almonds and green vegetables. I don't know if I've ever eat Halibut, but I certainly like almonds. I'm going to see what else when I do some more research today. Like I said it was very difficult to do research on the internet from the room I was in today.

Otherwise, I'm still feeling pretty good. My energy is still low, but I'm able to eat really well. I'm keeping the headaches away as well.

When the sun goes down I'm going to try a walk around the park here in the apartment complex. Simple things, but so important.

My First Saturday at Rose 11

2007-06-09T09:16:00.007-04:00

I feel better today than I have in weeks. The Cyclosporine was reduced again from 300 MG to 200 MG. My rubin levels were too high, so they decided I was probably taking too much Cyclosporine. No headache today or terrible nausea. Not eating all that much, but what else is new?

Yesterday, I did sleep for most of the day, which makes for some interesting dreams. Sleeping so much makes it hard to distinguish the difference between waking and sleeping. For example, I'll see Martin (my cat) come into the room. He meows. I answer him with my waking voice and realize it was only a dream. This happens over and over again with only the characters and their requests changing. One amazing thing. I don't dream about having cancer any more.

So, at this moment, I'm writing my blog on my bed in the Ambulatory Treatment Center (medical-speak for Outpatient) watching HG TV. A slow IV of Magnesium is dripping into my body because they discovered if they drip it too fast I become so flushed it makes me feel as if I have a sunburn. When that happens I can get a headache. So they slowed it down.

Kirk is reading Memoirs of a Geisha. Yes, it's Saturday and I'm here receiving my treatment. It'll be interesting to see how things go on Sunday.

My mom comes in today at 5PM. I am looking forward to that.

We are still not sure who will be here for me after Mom leaves on the 17th. Or the next week for that matter.

I put my life in God's hands. I know he'll provide.

Cyclosporine Lowered from 350 to 300 Mg

2007-06-07T15:58:00.001-04:00

Everything gets a little bit better each day. Threw up only once...still feeling the affects of the radiation. They reduced my Cyclosporine from 350 to 300. Which is nice. That's just two less smelly pills to get down morning and night.

Right now I'm receiving magnisum, which tends to make my skin looked flushed. When I go home I'll take a bath (in our spacious garden tub) and hopefully the redness will be gone. They worry about these things being signs of Graft vs. Host. But I don't think so. It only happens when I'm receiving Mg. My doctors agree with me.

I still feel wonderful today. That knowing beyond knowing that God has healed me. As soon as the nausea passes and I can eat normally, it will almost seem as if this whole experience was just a bad dream.

Praise God.

Cyclosporine Lowered from 350 to 300 Mg

2007-06-07T15:58:00.000-04:00

Everything gets a little bit better each day. Threw up only once...still feeling the affects of the radiation. They reduced my Cyclosporine from 350 to 300. Which is nice. That's just two less smelly pills to get down morning and night.

Right now I'm receiving magnisum, which tends to make my skin looked flushed. When I go home I'll take a bath (in our spacious garden tub) and hopefully the redness will be gone. They worry about these things being signs of Graft vs. Host. But I don't think so. It only happens when I'm receiving Mg.

I still feel wonderful today. That knowing beyond knowing that God has healed me. As soon as the nausea passes and I can eat normally, it will almost seem as if this whole experience was just a bad dream.

Praise God.

The Burden of Cancer Is Gone

2007-06-06T12:52:00.001-04:00

The day before yesterday was a tough day. I reported to receive total body irradiation. It was nothing. I lay on one side for five minutes. And then on the other side for five. I asked them to put a Christian station on, so I lay there listening to the songs and "thinking about something else" (as they suggested I should.)

As I did, I could think of nothing except what the songs were singing. God's glory and our need to worship him.

When I left I rang a bell in the hall that signaled to everyone that this was my last radiation treatment. Of course, it was also my first. The people in the waiting room applauded me warmly. Then I walked out with Kirk.

Within minutes, I was feeling very sick. A weariness unlike anything I'd ever experienced before came over my body. I was so tired I could hardly speak. Then the nausea. It hit me unexpectedly. I barely made it to the restroom to throw up. Lisa and Kirk were having lunch in the park. They bought me some soup, which I took one look at and ran to throw up again.

I finally decided to get as fast as I could to Apheresis, where I had some hope that they could give e some relief. They did.

By the time I started receiving Lisa's stem cells, I was aching all over (more effects of the radiation.) The nurse I had was Joe and he tried various things to help, but it was pretty much agony until I was able to get home and take a Darvon.

Since the day I took radiation, I feel I've improved considerably. The main and most miraculous difference is that I now wake up every morning free of that terrible cancer burden I had started to feel after the auto transplant. I wake up and no matter how nauseated or headachy, I feel a wonderful sense of God's glory. I am at peace and this is what God promised I would have when I spoke to the Reids. I just didn't expect that the main part of my peace would come AFTER receiving the transplant.

But it is a difference that is so good and pure it never dissipates as I go through my morning routine. Making a cup of hot tea, reading e-mails, and talking to Kirk, if he's not already busy with a call. I feel for the first time that the cancer is gone.

I know God has healed me. I liken it to knowing that Kirk was the man I wanted to marry. I just knew that he was the perfect one for me. And it certainly has turned out that way. We've been married now 8 years. Much of those years I know were good because of Kirk's unfailing kindness and love toward me. I am so blessed.

Allogeneic Transplant Day

2007-06-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

Kirk and I are sitting with Lisa in Apheresis as I'm writing this. Lisa's reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, and Kirk is eating an apple while playing with his Blackberry. Just joking. He's actually only eating his apple right now.

Lisa's giving her stem cells...feeling good. No pain meds were necessary for her since 8PM last night. That's good because sometimes the Neupogen can make you feel rather achy. I have a slight headache, but it is really quite manageable. No nausea. I even ate a regular breakfast. Not too large, just something to put on my stomach to avoid stomach upset from the Cyclosporine.

I received a very nice CD of bible verses from Janice yesterday, but haven't had the chance to listen to them yet. I know I will sometime today. Thank you, Janice!

At 11AM, Kirk and I will go over to Radiation. I'll take radiation, then, if Lisa is finished in Apheresis, we'll all find something to eat for lunch. Then, I'll take the transplant here in Apheresis at 1PM or 2PM.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers. I am feeling quite calm now because of God's grace and mercy. Your prayers have been instrumental in this, and I do appreciate it very much.

Hanging Out at Rose 10

2007-06-04T15:21:00.001-04:00

The CVC insertion (both Lisa's and mine) went well, as I knew it would. Kirk is wheeling Lisa over to the Rotary, since she is done with Apheresis. (She had a Darvon right at the end to help with some bone pain she was just starting to have.) So I'm here outside of the allogeneic clinic waiting for them to take me to a room. Then I will start a four-hour infusion of something to make tomorrow easier.

Tomorrow is a quick radiation treatment. About 1/30 the amount given to most breast cancer patients. But it may make me nauseated. I'm believing that it won't.

I heard good news from Renee today. The trial medicine she has been taking for almost 2 weeks is really starting to work. Her skin is getting lighter and she is very hopeful that it will continue to heal her as it has other MF patients she's met. One has been taking it only one month and she no longer experiences "the cold" and her itch is considerably less. Praise God is all I can say. I am so happy for her!

Tomorrow is the big day. Lisa did so well today, she may not need to give any more cells tomorrow. I do radiation and take her cells (ie. get the bone marrow transplant) tomorrow.

Mom arrives this Saturday and will say the week, so that Kirk can go back to work. Since we don't have anyone for the week after she leaves and I am likely to be a bit "wonky" still, Kirk may have to come back. That is, unless someone else can take over those four days of the week of the 16th. Whatever that Monday is. I don't have my calendar right in front of me.

Shopping and Fun

2007-06-03T22:59:00.000-04:00

Today Lisa and I went shopping at the Galleria. We got so busy enjoying ourselves that we didn't realize what time it was. Kirk had to call to tell us he'd arrived in Houston. We were already on our way back to the hotel...so it was okay. Only a short lapse of time really.

It is so good to have Kirk here. Both Lisa and I have appointments tomorrow for catheter insertions. Kirk will be our caregiver. Thank goodness they had the sense to schedule these procedures at different times.

I go to Rose 10 (the floor where MDA does all the allogeneic transplants) also tomorrow and start a four hour infusion to prepare me for radiation on Tuesday. After radiation, then I'll receive Lisa's cells.

The apartment is available at 3PM tomorrow, so we'll start moving in there. But maybe not until Tuesday. It just may be easier to stay at the hotel another night. We'll see.

We were able to get the adjoining room here at the hotel for Kirk and I, but it's not available another night. The room that Lisa and I have had for a week, however, IS still reserved until Wednesday.

Lisa's got a few small aches and pains from the Neupogen. I'm doing okay from the Cyclosporine. My feet started hurting a little today after walking the mall, but I wasn't wearing my running shoes. Just my converse. So that may be the reason. They feel pretty okay now. We came back to the room and watched the movie Office Space. What a funny movie! And I've seen it many times already.

I've got to go take my 10PM meds. All's well at this time and I don't see any reason for that to change.

A Quieter Day

2007-06-01T11:31:00.000-04:00

Lisa has one appointment today at noon with Infusion Therapy. Yesterday it was determined that the veins in her arms are too small, so they'll probably insert a shunt or something in a larger vein. More on this later.

We both started medications for the first time this morning. I started Cyclosporine, and Lisa started Neupogen shots. We prayed over both medicines. At this point, we're both working on our laptops until the appointment.

We were going to drive to Seabrook to visit with Denise, a friend I've known since Middle School. But the noon appointment postpones things a bit. Also, I thought we wouldn't start any new medications until Saturday morning. Since we started this morning, though it's not likely, we have to think about how we might feel physically.

I set the Cyclosporine out on the window sill in a bowl, as another trial patient recommended. She's a nurse and noticed that letting the pills "air out" diminished the bad smell they have and helped reduce any stomach upset.

The bone marrow biopsy yesterday was my first with sedation. I woke up with a headache...probably because I could not drink after midnight. Also, Houston takes some getting used to with all the mold and pollution in the air. I felt as if the Holy Spirit came before the procedure and took away my headache. I ended up not having to take anything for it by the time they came to set up my IV.

Last night, Lisa and I went to the Hobbit Cafe. I had a great egg salad platter with some greens, since Cathy and the other doctors said I could have a salad before going back to not eating raw vegetables and fruits. We bought t-shirts at the Hobbit Cafe. Lisa's has Thorin Oakenshield and mine has Gandalf. They are my favorite kind of t-shirt. The kind with the cap sleeves and on the small side. I call it "baby doll," but you get my drift.

We have some movies we're going to watch. Stuff like Charlie's Angels, Sideways and 13 Going on 30. We watched Blast From the Past earlier this week. It was really funny. I'd never seen it before. It tickled me.

Arrived at Rotary House

2007-05-29T17:13:00.000-04:00

I arrived at the Rotary House about an hour ago. My room wasn't ready, so I had to wait about 30 minutes. It was no big deal. Otherwise, everything went smoothly.

I called Kathy, my research nurse, to tell her I'd arrived. Today, as it turns out, one of the other trial patients I had so much fun talking to when I was last here is actually going home. Another patient I was worried about is still here, but she is feeling MUCH better. Praise God. I'd been praying for her A LOT.

So I've got a few hours to exercise, eat or take a nap if I want before going to get Lisa at the airport. Her first appointment is tomorrow at 10AM: registration. I have a couple of easy appointments in the morning, then I'm done by noon. I don't know what else they'll need Lisa to do.

One of the first things Kathy asked was...is Lisa feeling okay? Yes, I said, she's feeling okay. No cold or anything like that and emotionally...she's great as far as I can tell.

I had the chance to talk to Ina (Kirk's sister) on the way here. It was really good to talk to her. She was painting something in her house when I called.

I'll update after Lisa arrives.

Leaving Dallas for Houston Tomorrow

2007-05-28T22:35:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning I'll be driving to Houston. I have no appointments, except to get Lisa from the airport at 9:35PM. We'll be staying at the Rotary Hotel on the MD Anderson campus. The apartment won't be ready until next Monday (June 4) after 3PM, but chances are we won't move in until after Wednesday. Lots of appointments. So it might be easier just to stay as close to the clinics as possible.

Kirk will probably join Lisa and me on Saturday or Sunday. He'll be bringing with him most of the stuff that I'll be wanting with me at the apartment, besides what I'll already have with me.

I bought Lisa a funny little surprise gift that I think will make her laugh when I pick her up at the airport.

I'm feeling much calmer about everything for some reason tonight. That wasn't the case yesterday. But I remembered to pray and breath. So I'm feeling better tonight. I haven't driven so far by myself since Thanksgiving. I'll have the GPS, so I'll be less likely to get lost.

Kirk is a little upset about me having to take off by myself. Please pray for him. I keep reminding him I'll be with Lisa, but it doesn't help much. He's been my primary caregiver for a long time now. It's not easy for him to give that up, I think. I mean, he puts on a brave face, but he's still having a hard time.

I keep remembered Ruth Reid, who had to be in Argentina by herself when she received her treatment. Michael could not be there for her, since he was sick in the hospital. How scary that must have been for both of them. But they are fine today. It's hard to believe you'll be fine when you're going through it. I guess that's what faith is all about. I heard someone once say that FAITH stands for Fun Adventures In Trusting Him. That's certainly true, but right now it doesn't seem particularly fun.

Getting Over It

2007-05-27T10:03:00.000-04:00

"Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God."

Romans 15:7, King James Version

The version of the above verse, which was given to me yesterday by Chuck (my husband's brother,) uses the word "accept" instead of "receive," but I love seeing what words the old King James version uses to convey the same message.

Here, Paul is commanding the church in Rome to accept one another, in the same way that Jesus accepts us. The Greek word used in the original text is proslambano, which means: "to take to one's self, to take into friendship." The Roman church was apparently made up of both Jews and Gentiles, who just weren't getting along. Paul insisted that they all find a way to be friends.

Friendship came up in my bible yesterday when I was reading a passage in John. In it, Jesus defines friendship as a willingness to lay down your life for another person. Now, that's heavy! A bit too heavy for this culture, which defines friendship quite often by how much "texting" we do to a certain person or how much "face to face" time we spend with someone.

For me, it's about something that's scary to talk about. But isn't giving up your life for someone pretty scary? It has to do with friends I've made with people who have cancer. The problem with having friends who have cancer is that terrible fear which surfaces in the mind despite all efforts to vanquish it. The fear that the friend might not survive. How will I feel, if that happens? Since survival is a concern for anyone, including myself, where cancer is concerned.

Then I realized that I can "lay down my life" or set aside my fears of losing someone just by continuing a friendship with someone who is sick. This is not as easy as it sounds. For, I hate to say it, but I've been abandoned by many old friends that I think just couldn't bear up to the pain of possibly losing me. Either that or they just let me go, since it was easier and, perhaps, not as scary.

I'm okay with that now. Since I know that I have probably done similarly in the past to others that I knew who were sick...and I didn't even realize it. If you haven't been through sickness, it's really hard to "get" what it's like. Now that I know, I know I'll do better. It is more than torture to be rejected by anyone when you're going through cancer. But I understand. Because I've been there and didn't even realize what I was doing that wasn't helpful to the person who was sick.

But God is good and I've got a new perspective. Sick people may be "scary," but Jesus commands us to get over it. And that's what I want to do: get over it.

Memorial Day Weekend

2007-05-26T11:28:00.001-04:00

If you opened my blog this past week and heard a sort of low moaning sound reminiscent of whales, I apologize. Reading my most recent entries, I realized I've let the tone of this blog slip into something I never intended. Sorry for that.

It's Memorial Day weekend, and things are looking up. I get to be with my family for the next three days! It's 10:30AM and Jacob's still sleeping. He's been celebrating his freedom from school with some long nights on the computer. We usually curtail such activity, but I can't help but let the boy have his fun.

Last night we watched Woody Allen's Small Time Crooks, one of my favorite movies. I love the scene when he and Tracy Ullman (who plays his wife) are at the avant garde theater watching a play. It's hilarious. I found a copy for myself at Half Priced Books, so I bought it.

Today, our beloved neighbors, Joe, Jen and Zeni are having a big party for Memorial Day. It will entail lots of meat and friends from all over the place. It is also Zeni's birthday! It should be great fun!

Jacob Home For Summer!

2007-05-25T18:39:00.000-04:00

Jacob is home for the summer. Today, we spent much of the day running errands. I needed a notary to witness some signatures for a couple of Teacher Retirement forms, so we went to the bank. Jacob needed a few things from his Boy Scout Summer Camp list, so we paid a visit to Wal-Mart for that.

When we got home, Jacob spent some time cleaning up my iPod files...a never-ending task, since I have SO MUCH music on my iPod. But my tastes in music have changed a lot, so I finally started deleting songs.

Much time was spent going through his Summer Camp stuff: labeling, reorganizing, washing, tossing. Martin (pictured) decided just now to get into Jacob's plastic Summer Camp bin. He probably thinks that if he's quiet enough, Jacob won't notice he's in there. Then he'll be able to go camping with him. But Martin doesn't realize two things (because he's a cat!) One, Jacob WILL notice; and, two, Martin wouldn't like summer camp anyway--far too hot for anyone wearing compulsory fur.

Thanks and Updates

2007-05-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I received a wonderful gift from my aunt Dorothy. She walked in her hometown's relay to benefit cancer survivors for me. She also set up a candle, so that people would say a prayer for me as they walked past. She sent me the bag that held the candle and a t-shirt to commemorate her walk for me. Thank you, Dorothy! May God bless you continually for blessing me in this way. Apparently, Sonora, Texas is a huge contributor in the Relay for Life. Thank you, Sonora!

It's hard not to cry when I think of all the beautiful things my family has done (and is doing) to bring me through this. I am asking for God to bless all the people who've helped me...in the past when I went through the autologous stem cell transplant and now as I am preparing to go on to the allogeneic stem cell transplant.

It's not possible to list them all, but these are the ones who stand out:

My sister, who is donating her stem cells so I may have a better life (not to mention her coming to Houston for an entire week, as is required by MD Anderson;) I love her so much!

My husband, who has literally loved me through all the pain and is the most amazing caregiver anyone could hope to have; I love him so much and I'm going to miss him, since he can't always be with me while I'm going through the allogeneic transplant.

My mom, who is giving sacrificially of her time to be with me in Houston during the allogeneic transplant; she has a job and a life in Santa Fe, but she's coming to Houston as often as she can, since my "caregiver situation" is in a bit of a crisis

My son, who will actually be my sole caregiver (even though he's only 13) weekdays in the month of July; this makes me cry the most because I would never want this for him...even though he's willing and able to do it; I would give anything to keep him from having to sacrifice what every child deserves...a carefree summer...just for me. I love him so much! He's an amazing and capable boy!

There are so many others who helped me during the autologous, too. Ina, who took care of the animals for several weeks, even though she's very busy and has a lot of animals already. Not to mention, all people who came up with so many ideas to help me during the auto transplant. Thanks to my dad for coming for an entire week during the auto and for his willingness to help us out with payment of a caregiver, if it comes down to that. So many friends have also supported me in so many ways, from prayer to house watching. Thank you and may God bless you!

Before I finish, I wanted to let ya'll know my schedule from MD Anderson so far:

5/31/2007 Meet With Catheter Nurse 1PM
6/4/2007 Catheter Insertion 9AM
6/5/2007 Receive Lisa's Cells 2PM

I don't know Lisa's schedule yet, but I'll publish it as soon as I do. There are other pieces to the schedule that haven't been filled in, of course. For example, when will I get radiation? the bone marrow biopsy? etc. I'm sure by tomorrow it'll be clear. And there could still be changes.

For now, I'm making lists and preparations. If you'd like to help or have any ideas, please don't hesitate to e-mail me at swilder@ccccd.edu. Every little bit helps...and is such a blessing.

Please pray for Kirk's safety, since he'll be traveling on weekends to Houston. We've probably got the first three weeks of caregiving figured out...but if anyone's available the week of June 18th, it would bless us incredibly. Any other week, of course, after that is open, too. Like I said, I'd really like to spare Jacob having to be my sole caregiver!

Abner's Outburst

2007-05-23T19:16:00.001-04:00

"Abner became furious. 'Am I a Judean dog to be kicked around like this?' he shouted. 'After all I have done for you and your father by not betraying you to David, is this my reward--that you find fault with me about this woman?'"

2 Samuel 3:8

My One Year Bible has me reading passages I've never read before these days. A story from 2nd Sam about David and the followers of Saul. At one time or another I've heard or read almost every story of the bible. But, for some reason, I missed this one: I'd never heard the story before.

Maybe that is because years ago when I read the story of David and Saul in 2nd Sam, I was focused on the part that I really liked. That is, the part when Saul goes into the cave to relieve himself and David cuts off the corner of his robe without Saul knowing it. I always thought that was cool, since David used the incident to convince Saul how wrong Saul was about David's desire to kill him. For David could have killed Saul, but he didn't. He just cut off the corner of his robe.

But today I read about what followed after Saul tried to kill himself in battle to avoid being humiliated by loss. Basically, what ensues is a series of skirmishes between those who are loyal to David and to those who followed Saul. I was amazed that, after Saul had essentially killed himself, his men would continue to fight for him. The deception of Saul's men was certainly great.

When I came to the part when Abner, one of these squabbling men, said "After all I've done for you" I couldn't help but laugh. How familiar such a phrase is--even today--when people are fighting among themselves. The assumption in the phrase is familiar. Though I may not say it, I have felt it. That longing to hold people accountable for the things I imagine I've done for them.

How often do we experience this feeling when people do something for us or when we do something for others? For me, it is often a feeling of being in debt...of owing something to someone. The problem is not that I begrudge returning favors I've received. For I do enjoy returning favors (and Kirk is really better at it than I am.) The problem comes when people feel they can mistreat you after they do a favor for you. Nobody likes that. But it happens. And what do they say when you react? "After all I've done for you...."

Father, I ask that you prevent me from keeping an accounting of what I've done for others. Let me not say what Abner said, even to myself. As well, prevent others from saying the same to me. Amen.

Late Night Prayer

2007-05-22T22:16:00.000-04:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

I trust You, Lord, though my understanding shouts that things I wish to be resolved will never be resolved or people who have rejected me (or people I have rejected) will never come to acceptance. Instead, I've decided to acknowledge Your power to overcome the noise of what I understand, replacing it with the music of peace. In Jesus name. Amen

Dreams of Hair

2007-05-22T12:53:00.000-04:00

When I had my visit with Michael Reid, I told him about the long and curly blond hair I had before the high dose chemotherapy. Both he and his wife said, "You'll get it back and more!"

Since then, I've had dreams that I wake up and my hair has grown incredibly. Last night and the night before, I dreamed I had long hair again. Interestingly, in one dream I was watching a movie with gang members. In another, I was with a motorcycle gang, talking to them. In both dreams, I wasn't afraid...not of them...or germs. (Believe it or not I still worry about being around big crowds of people because of germs.)

But the most significant aspect of the dream was my hair, which was past by shoulders, blond and wavy. I kept running my hand through it.

This obsession with hair in my waking and sleeping worlds, for me, reveals how focused I am on healing. For I now know that for hair to grow, you've got to be healthy. (I'm not talking about male pattern balding...that's different.) But after losing hair to chemo, it's clear that the chemo is starting to clear out of your system when your hair grows.

I now have a pretty decent smattering of something that looks like a fuzzy 5 o'clock shadow all over my head.

Teacher Disability Retirement

2007-05-21T13:54:00.001-04:00

I discovered today that because I was a public school teacher for 10+ years and, before that, worked in the state system while a student and after at UT Austin, I can retire with full benefits under a TRS of Texas disability program. Of course, it all depends on whether or not I'm approved, but I don't think there will be any problem. I can also receive full health care benefits (Aetna! which is what I have now) for as long as I remain on disability. Since, as an adjunct professor, I only work part-time anyway, I can go back to my job and stay on disability, if I want to. If I understand correctly, even when I get better, as long as I'm not working full time, I can continue to receive the pension and health care benefits.

I find this very exciting for several reasons.

One, I can get back to making my contribution to our family income. As an adjunct, I never made very much money...but I FEEL better when I can see that my income is being used for going to school or vacations.

Two, I can stop having to depend on Kirk's work for my health care. We do pay extra for me and Jacob to be covered, so that will be one less expense to cover. As well, I can receive these benefits for as long as I don't work full time in the school system. That is very nice and takes more stress off of Kirk, too.

Three, I can feel as if all those years I spent teaching public school are still helping me now. It's a lot of work being a teacher...when I left I was tired of the public school system. It's nice to see those years pay off in other ways.

I'm sure it will take some time for me to get all the forms filled out, but I really think this is going to help.

Thanks to Renee for reminding me of my benefits, since she retired recently from the state and got me thinking...if she can do it, why can't I?

Also, thanks to God having His hand on my life such that I continued to be a teacher for so long, even picking up a 1/2 semester job four years ago in Wylie. This means I am "active," because it was less than 5 years ago. This helps to expedite things. Thank you, God!

Schedules and Details

2007-05-19T14:46:00.000-04:00

Here's the schedule for the summer (so far.)

Tuesday May 29, 2007: Check into Rotary Hotel; Lisa arrives in Houston.
Tuesday June 5, 2007: Transplant Day (probably)
Wednesday June 6, 2007: Lisa departs Houston.
June 10-16, 2007: Mom in Houston
Month of July: Jacob in Houston (?)
Month of August: ???

God's Grace and Butterflies

2007-05-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had lunch with a good friend from work. She is the main secretary for the professors, both full and part-time, in one of the buildings on the Preston Ridge Campus at Collin County Community College. When I was teaching, I'm sorry to say we only talked a little bit. I never really had time in those days to develop relationships with people. But since I took time to heal from cancer, we've grown closer.

She is a good friend to have here in this wasteland. When I first found out I had cancer, she was one of the first to pray with me. There are a few others at the college like her, but she means so much to me. I thank God for her.

It was a beautiful day, so we had lunch outside. I'd made us some sandwiches and a really simple trail mix. While we were talking, on three separate occasions a brown speckled butterfly came and landed directly in front of me on the table or on my hat. One of those butterflies had a mangled wing, but it flew the same as the other two: gracefully.

We both decided there was something special about those butterflies landing as they did on me when I would speak of the goodness of God. We'd talk about other things, then the conversation would drift back to the goodness of God...and here comes another butterfly.

Right now, I could use another one of those butterflies to get me through. But I'll take instead God's spirit, which rests on me as easily as those butterflies and gives me faith. So I can move filled with God's grace through everything that comes.

Garage Sale Saturday

2007-05-17T12:40:00.000-04:00

Sorting through my closets for the garage sale this weekend has been a really good experience for me. I actually found a pair of my favorite jeans, but discovered I had about 20 pairs (!) of pants that really needed to be sold for one reason or another. They're piled up now on the floor of my closet, waiting for Saturday's sale.

Yesterday, I sorted books, adding two more boxes of them to the bags of books I had already decided to sell at Half Priced Books. Once again I was amazed at the number of books I'd been holding onto for reasons unclear to me at this time. For example, why do I have three copies of the American Heart Association's Cookbook? Or the yellowed copies of Macbeth or King Lear, when I've already got good copies of them taking up space on my bookshelf?

Tonight I'm hoping we'll go through the attic. By the way, I always wear a mask when I'm going through these dusty things. I can avoid a headache that way, for sure.

As it turns out, Jacob's Boy Scout garage sale is this weekend, too. So I donated the big industrial-sized desk we bought when Kirk was working at home. Four grown men (God bless them!) showed up yesterday to get it, and it took all of them to lift the thing into their truck.

Letting go is very good for the soul, I've decided. I feel lighter and freer for it, that's for sure. But one question keeps bothering me: why did I hold onto these things for so long in the first place?

Self Talk and Dieting

2007-05-16T10:16:00.000-04:00

Through my doctor at MD Anderson, I've been able to talk with a 9-year survivor of multiple myeloma. When she was diagnosed, they treated it with an auto transplant only, since other protocols were not considered viable in the late 90's. Even though she was in remission after the auto, she also had three years additional years of chemo and steroids, which have continued to keep her in remission for six years. She once told me of her life before diagnosis, which she feels was fraught with abuse to her body that she never wants to repeat.

The abuse, she said, entailed a life-long obsession over her weight that actually started when she was growing up. Her mother, she said, was nearly anorexic most of her life, but was always talking about how fat she was. As an adult, she said, the cycle continued, and despite being very thin, she constantly believed herself to be overweight.

When I first heard her story, it made me think about this phenomena of body abuse by dieting that is so prevalent in America. Though I never thought about my weight when I was growing up, once I got out of college I started having issues. I don't think I really obsessed about my weight until I gave birth to Jacob, since it was so hard to lose the "baby fat" I put on during my difficult pregnancy. But at age 40, when I had already done a couple of weight-loss programs (that were safe and worked for me,) I probably did begin to really obsess about my weight when it just wouldn't come off again. I say that because I think it is when I turned 40 that I began to "see myself" in my mind as being much more heavy than I actually was.

For example, if you look at my profile photo, it shows me with Kirk on our summer vacation last year. I look back at that picture and cannot believe how beautiful I look. I'm not fat; I have hair; and I've got a handsome man beside me. What more can you ask for? But, at the time the picture was taken, I was sure I was a fat, ugly cow! Amazing.

Now, I realize that my inner voice--that unrelenting way we all have of speaking to ourselves about ourselves--can be used to tear down my self-esteem more efficiently than anything other people might say about me. I also know that the opposite is true. That is, I don't need to be seeing myself in such a negative way. I can be free of judging myself so harshly all the time. I can be good to myself and use the voice to increase my health.

Now, all I strive for is health. I like being able to fit in my clothes, but I'm not happy because of this. I'm happy because I can get on my bike and ride for three miles without too much strain. I'm happy because I have energy to do most of the things I need and want to do. I may not be as healthy now as I would like to be, but it is only a matter of time.

I know one thing: I have no desire to ever treat myself the way I used to treat myself concerning my weight. Yes, it's hard to be overweight. I gained 15 pounds taking steroids! But, I realize now, that should not have been cause for me to beat myself up. I should see it as a temporary situation than I've working to rectify by eating right and keeping active.

Unloading Unwanted Things

2007-05-15T17:29:00.000-04:00

Carpet stretchers came today as scheduled, and they did a great job of getting our carpet to lay flat. Some of our larger pieces of furniture had to be unloaded before they came, so that they could move things around, if needed. As a result, over the weekend I unloaded two giant bookshelves, the bookshelf in my study, and brought all lower shelf clothes up to the second level in the closet. Kirk went through our huge three-drawer filing cabinet, then shredded old stuff that should have been thrown out long ago. His desk, which still sits in the bedroom, though he no longer uses it, was also emptied and cleared.

The best thing about all of this is it gave Kirk and I the opportunity to re-evaluate all this clutter we have around the house. This weekend we're having a garage sale. I know many of the things I unloaded from bookshelves, closets and rooms are going to end up being sold at that garage sale. And I say...hallelujah! I can't tell you how freeing it is to look over in those corners of the bedroom that once held so much STUFF and see them emptied. It is very good just to keep letting go of all this unnecessary garbage.

I think when I start to put books back on the shelf I'll be asking myself: do I really want this book to continue collecting dust on my bookshelf? Could I get it at a library if I needed it? Does it hold sentimental value? Or am I just collecting it because its a classic that I THINK I'm supposed to have?

Soon we're actually going to venture into the attic to go through all that STUFF. What an experience that will be! It's a wonder the whole ceiling doesn't cave in with the load of it all.

My goal is to make enough money for a lap top, so I can write while I'm sitting there hooked up to the IV bag every day for four hours.

Fellowship in the Wilderness

2007-05-14T09:26:00.000-04:00

During my first and second year at the University of Texas in Austin, I lived on a floor in Blanton dorm that was half evangelical Christian and half party animal. Both groups had their network of friends that stretched across the university like vines of ivy that sometimes intertwined. Since I was into the punk rock scene at first, I was a party animal despite having many evangelical friends. I think for me the change over to evangelical started happening when I realized I could have as much fun with the evangelicals, but not have to deal with a hang over the next morning.

Christians in the 80's at UT Austin were like that. Like the girls in the song, they just wanted to have fun. Many nights I spent hanging out with these crazy evangelicals who wanted to study the bible, pray and sing until the wee hours of the night on weekends. It got even funner when the Holy Spirit movement caught on. Our energy for joy was boundless. Instead of going to 6th street to drink, my friends would go there to chat about God with anyone who was interested. Lots of people were saved, and it was fun making it happen.

It got really fun when punk rock Christian groups started forming bands! (I remember one group; they called themselves "One Bad Pig!")

I think, at the time, I had no idea how great I had it. Perhaps it was just a phenomena of the time and place, but my fellowship with other Christians just hasn't been the same since. It is as if I'm walking in a wasteland, I've sometimes said to Kirk. Lately I've been reaching out to friends who reside in pockets of fellowship all over the place. But, in contrast to my college experience, I've found only a few.

And I am fully aware that much of this has happened as a result of my own actions. But it is also the area and times in which I live, surrounded by neighborhoods without strong churches. I know it sounds judgmental on my part, but it's true--at least compared to my experiences in Austin. So I'm asking God to bring this joy back into my life.

Sometimes I think it is just a matter of degrees. I have friends I talk to regularly, and how I love them! I have a beautiful family. I even have a church now, filled with wonderful Christians who pray and believe the way my 80's Christian friends believed. But I remember a time when the church I belonged to had something going on every night of the week. In fact, if I ever wanted to talk to someone, there'd be someone at the church working on some project or another. The church was an ACTIVE place. Now I drive by churches and the parking lots are empty most days of the week. Even on Sundays, churches clear out rather quickly as soon as the service is over. I think everyone is just so overwhelmed with all they've got to do outside the church. They don't have time for enjoying each other.

So what can I do about this? Maybe it's already been done. That's because in two weeks I'll be in Houston for three months. In fact, I'll be sitting in a room connected to a bunch of other rooms filled with people going through the same thing I'm going through. Surely there can be a connection of fellowship in such a setting. For such, I'm also asking God.

As My Hair Grows My Appetite Returns

2007-05-10T16:48:00.000-04:00

The fuzz on my head (pictured) is definitely getting...well, fuzzier. I noticed this last week for the first time. I was running my hand over my head when I felt this stuff like kitten fluff. I ran to the mirror, trying to see on my head what I could only feel. But there was nothing to see. Later, Kirk said he could see the tiny hairs, when they were in a certain light.

It wasn't until I was in Ross shopping for t-shirts that I actually saw the hairs for the first time. I guess the light was hitting the top of my head just right in the dressing room, but I finally saw the hairs.

Now, they're much longer (comparatively) and I just love to feel them there.

Nobody loses their hair in the allogeneic transplant, so I'll likely be able to stop wearing this old black hat before long. I love the wigs I've got, but summer heat is setting in...and it's just too itchy. Oh, well. I like to keep the wigs around in case the mood strikes me. But I know fairly soon I won't need them at all.

One of the people I met on floor 10 (where they do allos) at MD Anderson was a young woman who'd lost her hair 19 months ago during treatment for Lymphoma. She now has beautiful hair somewhere between her chin and her shoulder. It reminded me of the hair I had when it was that length. Blond and curly. She showed pictures of herself when she was bald, just as a point of reference. For some reason, it was so encouraging.

Hair is more important to me than I ever dreamed. I know one thing I'll never "dis" my own hair again. I did that a lot before.

As my hair grows, my appetite returns. I still forget to eat, which isn't good. But I do get hungry. Food tastes better, too. I ate steak last night with sweet potatoes and green beans. For the first time, I actually wanted to eat it all and more! It's great to have something so simple back in my life: the ability to eat and enjoy the food.

I'm also getting to where I'm MUCH less depressed. In fact, I could probably say that I'm NOT depressed most of the time. Every once in a while, I'll get a little sad about something, but then God removes it from me. I know this because I ask Him to and He is always faithful to do what I ask.

God is good!

One More Thing

2007-05-09T22:39:00.000-04:00

My fuzz is getting longer!

Good News

2007-05-09T16:14:00.000-04:00

I'm back home in Frisco again, and the visit with my transplant and myeloma doctors at MD Anderson went so well I am filled with peace. That alone is a miracle.

The other miracle is that my white AND red blood counts, along with my platelets are now back to normal. I've talked to and read about many people with suppressed immune issues. One young woman I met said it took her a year just to get her white blood cell count into the normal range. The doctors told me I'd EVENTUALLY see my white blood and platelets return to normal, but that my red would be much slower. Not so for me, since God is healing me.

While I was there, I met my research nurse on the 10th floor, where my treatment during the allogeneic transplant will take place. I was able to talk for a couple of hours with Ralph, who is in the tandem auto-allo trial. It was surreal talking to this man, sitting on the bed in his jeans and button-down. His coloring was awesome. He had hair. He just didn't look sick to me at all! We talked about his experiences with the allo, the auto and multiple myeloma. He was a marathon runner before cancer stopped him in his tracks. The allo, he said, has been much easier than the auto. But he did mention that a younger woman in the trial was having bad nausea (probably from the cyclosporine, which has a nasty smell.) Another cancer survivor (quite young, but with Burkets Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) joined us and we talked nausea for a while. The best tip I got for that was to keep a small amount of food in your stomach to avoid nausea. Everyone patient I met touted the need for food bars eaten in small amounts during treatment.

The other really important bit of news I received was that my research nurse and her team at MDA have reduced significantly the incidence of Graft Vs. Host in this trial. They simply do not tolerate it. And their percentages are much less than in the Italian study so far.

Everyone sees me as a very good candidate for the allo. And I feel as if I'll be in the best hands at MDA. And I feel as if God has made a way for me to do this. Whatever other concerns I might have--whether its caregiving or fears of feeling bad--I give those all to God. For He has given me the ability to feel peace about my next step and I have not had that AT ALL before.

Also, I have no protein spike. Just a .1 (what one doctor called a trace) m-protein. It is what Dr. Weber calls "a very good partial remission." But, as one of my other doctors said, the allo will knock that .1 right out. I know, even this, is part of God's plan.

As to timeline, at present we are looking at the allo beginning around May 30th. If this works for her schedule, Lisa will first go through some tests to make sure everything is a go. Then, that next week, she'll give her cells, which I will take immediately. The rest is fluids and close monitoring every day for the next few months.

Steam

2007-05-07T11:36:00.000-04:00

These are the times that try my soul. There is a bursting in my being that just will not quit. It's like a pot on the stove that started bubbling days ago and is just now starting to rattle and spew. I cannot contain it. The steam must have its out.

How else can I describe it?

I stand back and look at myself. Rising to this point of boiling. And it is really just vapor, without substance, without shape. It is heated air. Not real. For my body and my God tell me I am healed, but my mind will not give up. It whispers and sputters. What? I can hardly put words to it. Except that I have lost a part of myself that cannot be named, but still demands to cry out to me as it is being pulled away.

Is it my security? innocence? certainty?

For all these things have fled my heart, leaving skid marks so real to me I'm sure others can see them streaked across my face. But even this is not true.

The rebel in me has, nonetheless, arisen. The one who will not take things sitting down. The self that is determined to accomplish at least the most essential of purposes God gave me, which is to live. And live well.

So, here is my prayer:

God, I love You.
And I believe.
Please help me with my unbelief.
Intervene continually and creatively, as only You can do, as I make my way across this landscape of suffering.
Forgive me for seeing myself contrary to the way You see me.
Grant me the ability to adopt Your reality and cast off this black haze, which consists of nothing.
Thank You for Your grace and mercy.
Heal Renee. And hold me in healing, too.
Unleash (even more) Your divine help into my caregiver situation.
Give Your wisdom for my healing to my doctors today and every day.
Amen.

Dinner With Old Friends

2007-05-06T23:17:00.000-04:00

Tonight, Kirk and I had dinner with old friends from my Hope Chapel days in Austin. It was great to see Renee, who's fighting cancer just as I am. I know we'll see her and her husband, who pastors a church in Austin now called Red River Church (not too many miles from where Hope Chapel still stands,) more before all of us return home Tuesday. We might even be staying at the same hotel, as it turns out!

We talked for hours at Alladin's, a Mediterranean food place, we ended up going to when the place we'd originally chosen closed early for the evening. Renee's husband, Keith, drove us to the restaurant, while Renee and I chatted without stopping from the back seat. She's been through a lot (as have I.) We talked about transplants, since her doctor has spoken with her about doing one. We had been through the same nurses in apherisis, but Renee had been more often. She knew everyone by name, including their personalities and ways.

She will be involved in a new treatment trial from May 20-25th. Two people have gone into remission with the medication, and I know it will work the same for her.

Please pray for her to be healed, even as you are praying for me and all the concerns I've had.

Two-Day Trip to MD Anderson

2007-05-05T14:24:00.000-04:00

Sunday morning, probably before the sun comes up, Kirk and I will be heading to Houston. My first "appointment" is on Sunday at 9:45AM to give blood/specimens. Monday: fast track to give another blood specimen, then a meeting with the stem cell transplant team. I decided I wanted to consult also with Dr. Weber, my myeloma doctor, about the allogeneic transplant. Kirk and I will be listening carefully, taking notes, and considering options. What I am mostly looking forward to is getting the results from the blood/specimen tests because I know they're going to be excellent.

Our lodging arrangements are a bit haywire. Since we have Sunday night at the Rotary and Monday night at Springhill. Rotary is nicer generally. We save on parking when we stay there, but so far their booked for Monday. But I find we can usually "extend" if we want to.

I am both nervous and calm, which is a strange combination. It's usually an emotional experience for me to go to MD Anderson. I think it has something to do with simply having to face the cancer head on, as if I were playing chicken. That is the only way I can describe it. That is the feeling I'm managing, even now as I write.

Despite this, there is also a level of knowing that lies under the emotions. I know all is well, even though I don't feel that way every minute of the day. Sometimes I think it is just my stomach and not my emotions at all. A little bit of nausea. A little ache in my stomach. These are things I associate with emotional pain, but they could also just be physical. I'm eating more these days, but my stomach is still not quite ready for it. That may be part of the problem.

Anyway, life and God are good. I have my family home with me today. This is all very good.

Jacob Receives an Achievement Award

2007-05-04T17:39:00.000-04:00

Last night, my son Jacob, received an award at his school for achievement on the SAT he was able to take in January through a talent search of Duke University. Of the 70,000 or so academically gifted 7th graders who took the SAT or ACT, Jacob scored in the top 12%.

There were only six students, including Jacob, from the middle school who scored high enough to receive recognition.

I'd also like to say that Jacob has been doing better in school. He brought up all his grades in every subject, except one! He has been keeping up with his homework, as well.

I am so proud of him!!!!

On Writing and Research: Hammering Out My Thesis

2007-05-03T17:30:00.000-04:00

Last night, I spent an hour or so looking for the notes I had already compiled last Fall for a paper on Elizabeth Barrett Browning's epic poem Aurora Leigh. Then I skimmed through the books I'd collected on the subject that I'd been able to keep all these months. I found print-outs of my prospectus and an important three-page article that had caused me to consider the topic in the first place. On my computer, I found websites and articles I had saved there months ago.

But it wasn't until today when I spent most of the day today writing the paper that things started coming together for me. Though I was able to hammer out only two pages in several hours, it didn't bother me. That's because I was working out what I would propose and support in the paper as I proceeded to the conclusion.

At one point, I'd come to that all important moment in the writing of a paper when you realize that you've got more research to do. But I keep getting this feeling that I've actually already done the research, since it seems to me that I haven't found all my notes. I'm hoping this is true, as I'll be searching my computer for bits of tucked away notes and saved articles.

What's most interesting to me is that I made a discovery about myself as I was working on this project. I found out that many of the opinions I once held without really thinking about them were no longer ones I could support without question. I found myself questioning sweeping statements made by the professors and scholars who write the articles and books I consider as material to be included in my paper. Not that I'd accepted without thinking the statements these people were making before, I just didn't always know with clarity my reasons for questioning them.

To see my own critical perspective solidifying is very good, since it gives me the ability to be rather opinionated. And being opinionated is good when seeking a Ph.D. You've got to know where you stand.

For example, today I found an article entitled "Covert Appropriations of Shakespeare: Three Case Studies." Since my paper is about E. Barret Browning's use of the Shakespearean sonnet in Aurora Leigh and the article argues that Barrett Browning's poetry is an example of covert appropriation, I decided to read the article. Now this was an article that previously I would have considered carefully because of its bravery. I've always admired bravery in academia. But as I read the article it became clear to me that the title of the article was pure sensationalism. The writer had entitled the article to draw in readers, but had backed away from actually arguing his claim by the end of the article. I don't think I would have seen this as clearly before.

Getting On With Life

2007-05-02T16:20:00.000-04:00

My stomach must still be in recovery because many mornings I awaken still to nausea. This morning, I must confess, the nausea was worse than usual. I tried drinking hot tea, but it didn't get better. Of course, I prayed about it. But still no relief. I decided to distract myself by watching television; I wrapped a blanket around my feet. Thankfully, I found a program where a morning newscaster was visiting Bhutan, a mostly Buddhist country in the Himalayas. I've always wanted to visit Bhutan, so it was a good distraction. Despite this, my stomach kept on really bothering me. I remembered what pill my doctors at MD Anderson recommended for me to take, so I took one of those. It's no good being nauseated when throwing up will just dehydrate you, so I felt taking the pill was a good decision. Since I hadn't taken this pill in over a month, the affect was instant; I found myself falling asleep on the couch.

When I awoke 2 hours later (!) my stomach was much better, and I thought to myself how I needed to get on with my life. Whether I had a nauseated stomach, no hair, whatever...I needed to get on with my life.

I had some rearranging to do with regards to our lodging at MD Anderson for May 6th-8th, so I did that first, knowing also that at 1PM I'd be getting together with friends for lunch. Something I hadn't done in a long time. I still had time before the lunch date, so I called one my favorite professors at UTD, Fred Turner. He was delighted to hear from me. Soon we started talking about an Independent Study on Milton's Paradise Lost that I'd been thinking of doing with him. He had the time and we set it up for the Spring. I'm supposed to avoid crowds for three months after the 2nd transplant, so the independent study would be perfect. I wouldn't even have to come in that much and we could do most of our correspondence by phone or e-mail. I'd been wanting to study Paradise Lost for years, so it thrilled me that this would be possible.

I went to lunch next door and even wore my wig. The short one from mom's friend (who so kindly is allowing me to borrow it.) This too seemed like a way to get back to my life.

I've also got a paper to write that is due at the end of the summer. It's on Aurora Leigh by Elizabeth Barret Browning. I got UTD to extend until the end of the summer the 13 books I have kept from their library. A wonderful and kind-hearted woman I've learned to depend on at UTD named Linda Snow made it possible to make the extension.

I'm getting housework done, too. Not letting it bother me that I'm so behind and there is so much. Two weekends out of town can put you behind in the area of housework.

I'm getting back to my life, and, when I'm in Houston I'll take my life with me. The paper that's to be written, the books to read for the Fall, and the desire to get on with life.

My Visit With Michael Reid

2007-04-30T16:47:00.000-04:00

In November of last year, when I'd just been diagnosed, I discovered on one of the Christian stations Michael Reid's ministry. At that time, I liked to avoid Christian television because the preachers and teachers there were clearly not of God. I could see it in their manner, the way they talked, the way they walked across the stage. Something was not quite right just about the way they acted in front of the camera.

Amid all this hoopla, Michael Reid's television program stood out. The first program I saw was of a woman giving an account of her healing from an eye disease, which was destined to take her sight. Michael and his wife, Ruth, sat on the couch opposite asking questions and listening. I watched the program more and found the discussions informative and thought-provoking, such that I started mentioning it to Kirk.

At the time, Kirk and I were really struggling to find a church that we liked. I remember saying to him that the spirit I felt from Michael Reid's church was what I wanted to find in Frisco. Then I told him about the programs I had managed to catch randomly. A few days later, I decided to write a a prayer request e-mail to the Reid ministry. In the e-mail, I explained my diagnosis and asked for prayer. I think I also asked if there was any church in my area which might be affiliated with their ministry. About two days later, I received a response. This began an e-mail exchange between me and a woman named Meidre.

Though I had written other e-mails asking for prayer from other ministries, this was the first time I had felt as if someone actually really cared about what me and my family were going through. Eventually, in one of these e-mails I mentioned that I lived in the Dallas area. Almost immediately, Miedre offered that Michael and Ruth Reid were scheduled to be in Tulsa over the Thanksgiving holiday and would surely be willing to pray for me if I could come there.

I said I was interested, then she sent me two phone numbers for contacting Ruth, who made all of Michael's appointments. She said she'd spoken with Ruth about my situation and that she'd be looking for my call when they were back in the states.

Well, Thanksgiving week came and went, but I did not call. I'm not sure why. I think I realized it just wasn't going to be possible, since I was going to Sante Fe for Thanksgiving. For some reason, at the time, it just didn't seem that urgent.

I never forgot about the offer though and found myself one day about a week ago making the call. To my amazement, Ruth called back within the hour. We talked for almost an hour. And just talking to her--a cancer survivor herself--was really encouraging. A few more calls later and the appointment was set. I had their address and was set to make the three-hour trek.

Kirk and I decided we'd make an adventure of it. We'd camp out in the pop-up some place near Tulsa, then drive into Tulsa for my 2:30PM appointment with the Reids. We left Friday after Kirk was home from work.

Late that night, we pulled into Arrowhead State Park. There was plenty of spaces, so we set up in the one that looked the nicest. Little did we know that in the morning we would awaken to a beautiful view of trees overlooking an enormous lake. The next morning, we started toward Tulsa.

Once there, we found the Reid's house in a neighborhood of nice houses with an English air to them. It was still early, so we drove around Tulsa for a bit. At 2:30PM on the dot, we walked up to the front door and knocked. Through the etched glass of the door, I could see Michael Reid coming to the door with Ruth behind him.

There was nothing fake about these people. They shook both of our hands warmly and welcomed us in to sit in their living room. Ruth started by saying that I should tell Michael my story and that the story she had shared about her own cancer had given me confirmation that I needed to go ahead with the transplant. I corrected her then, saying that I wasn't sure of that confirmation and that what I wanted, of course, was complete healing. She said, oh, I'm sorry I thought that's what you said. And I realized that this was the main gist of the conversation we'd had. That she had gone through an aggressive treatment for breast cancer after being prayed for by Michael--much more aggressive than she could have received in England it turned out.

Then the conversation shifted somewhat. I told my story of the cancer. How I found out. The treatment I'd already received. And on. I told them about our struggle to find a good church. I talked about Hope Chapel, the last good church I'd been a member of. I told him about how the church had eventually fallen apart because of in-fighting between the pastor and the elders. Then I talked about feeling lost for a while, then trying this doctrine and that for a series of years. He had personal relationships and opinions about all the ministers I mentioned, until I began to see that Michael Reid had a much simpler approach to faith and grace.

As I became more comfortable, Michael began to talk to me about my anxiety, my fears and my concerns. He said many things about God's grace, power, faith. What amazed me was the simplicity of his message. You can trust God. God loves you. Grace is a free-gift, just as healing is.

I remember at one point describing to Michael the hair I'd once had: long, blonde, curly and beautiful. "And you'll get it back," he said. I expressed concerns about caregivers, since the procedure would require me to have someone with me in Houston. I was concerned that Kirk would not be able to be there the entire three months. Michael said, "If God can make the world in six days, don't you think he can do something as simple as find you a caregiver?"

When we had been there over two hours, Michael said he was going to lay hands on me and pray. He said the prayer would be simple, but the effect would be great. I can hardly remember the specifics of the prayer, only that I felt as if he prayed for everything in me that needed healing, not just the cancer. Even as he prayed, I was filled with a wonderful peace. After so many months of anxiety, that was a great relief. We said our goodbyes and I left knowing that God was in control and that I was going to be healed through the transplant and through God's intervention in the cancer.

It is still a process. The trip back to the campsite I was touched by brief moments of worry. Would the anxiety come back? But I kept remember his statement, "God loves you. He healed Ruth and He's healed you. In fact He healed you two thousand years ago. For by his stripes, my bible says, we are healed." As Kirk drove, I was quiet and thoughtful. I remembered again Michael saying, "I believe cancer should be treated aggressively. Listen to your doctors. They have wisdom for your healing. Healing is God's gift. Accept it and move on with your life. It's nothing to God to heal cancer. Just move on with your life."

Michael and Ruth gave me stacks of DVD's, books and even his latest book, which I mentioned in passing. I started reading one of the books in the car. It, too, filled me with hope, since Michael is known throughout England and other parts of the world as a great healer. When we arrived at the campsite, I lay down on the bed and went to sleep, even though it was early. I was just so relieved.

The next morning, I awoke still at peace. I sat outside in the morning sun reading, when I realized I wasn't wearing my reading glasses! I got up from the camp chair. Maybe the print in that book was large. I found smaller print and found I could read it, too! I had just been reading in my bible the day before, I was unable to make out the small print. I called out to Kirk my new discovery and I haven't worn my reading glasses since.

I believe God gave me the miracle of renewed sight, so that I could rest in the big healing the transplant and Michael's prayer would do. For most doctors don't say that the allogeneic will make it so the cancer never comes back. I think differently now. I believe I will be cured.

Salvation Story

2007-04-29T18:12:00.000-04:00

When I was 12 years old, I attended a Baptist church with my dad, his new wife, Pat, my sister and my two new step-sisters. Being the oldest child, I was given the task of watching over my sisters at children's church while my dad and Pat went to the regular church service. Though I remember nothing of the sermon or activities from that day, I do remember, at the end, that an altar call was made. Not knowing what I was doing but wanting to do the right thing, I stood and found myself walking to the front with my sister. Once there, all the kids who responded were shuffled into groups separated by age. Since I was the oldest among those who came forward, I ended up in a room alone with a prayer counselor all to myself.

She asked me if I had any questions before I prayed to receive Jesus into my heart. I remember thinking that I had no idea what she was talking about. But I was curious, so I let my questions flow. What did it mean to let Jesus into your heart? Would Jesus appear in the room and step inside my body? Why would I want to do this? And on.

I could tell by her reaction that the counselor didn't know how to answer. Then, she said she'd be right back with someone who could better answer my questions, and she left the room. There was an open window in this room, where I could hear children playing and see adults making their way to the children's church sanctuary. I felt foolish for having so many questions and irresponsible for leaving my sisters, so I crawled out the window! That was my first experience of thinking about receiving Jesus as my Lord and Savior!

Two years later, at yet another youth meeting in my step-mother's Baptist church, I had the opportunity, once again, to respond to an altar call. But this time I didn't jump out the window. I said the prayer of faith with a young girl who lead me through it. I remember that I wept openly as I tried to repeat without question the words that a young youth counselor gave me to say out loud. Within the hour, I had done it: I had become a born-again Christian.

With my teenage years, however, came turmoil. And I forgot the prayer I'd made that evening at youth church. Part of the problem, I know, was the fact that I had no incentive to study the bible, since I was not a regular attender at the church where I had received the gift of salvation.

It wasn't until I was a Junior at UT Austin that I had the chance to re-commit my life to Jesus. There was a woman, named Dorothy McGuire, I had befriended in one of my English classes. I remember thinking how beautiful she was. For she had curly jet black hair and the sweetest light blue eyes I'd ever seen. I was living a crazy life: partying heavily on weekends, taking 21 hours of classes and getting sick because of it. Dorothy made it clear that she was a Christian, but she was also so accepting that I felt comfortable being with her. Eventually, we started jogging together. In those days, I was so fit, I could hold a conversation while jogging! So, while we jogged around and around the track, Dorothy would talk to me about Jesus.

Her sister, Lucy, (also a dedicated Christian) and I eventually became roommates, though I had still not re-committed my life to God. One night, Dorothy came to stay with us. She had graduated and moved to Dallas with her husband, who was a minister in the Episcopal church. In the living room of the tiny apartment, Lucy and I rented in Austin, Dorothy confronted me about my beliefs. Lucy had long gone to bed as Dorothy and I talked until 2AM. Finally, we prayed. At that moment, I re-committed my life to Christ. And it was not an easy prayer. The main difficulty was a boyfriend I had at the time, who did not believe in radical commitments to God. I knew accepting Jesus meant rejecting him, and I was hardly prepared to do that. Nonetheless, I did and when the prayer was finished Dorothy prayed for her sister, who lay sleeping in the next room.

"Lord, touch her head with the light of the holy spirit and let that light fill her all the way down to her toes," Dorothy said. She was a spirit-filled Christian and a believer in the gifts of the spirit. I didn't realize it, but she was praying for the holy spirit to fill her sister's life more fully.

Finally ready to sleep, I made my way to my bed in the same room where Lucy slept. The minute I sat down to pull off my shoes, Lucy sat up in the bed, groggy and confused.

"I just had the strangest dream," Lucy said. Overhearing her sister, Dorothy came to the door. Lucy continued: "I dreamed a ball of white light touched my head and rolled down my body until it came and went out by way of my toes."

I was amazed, but it was only the first of a series of encounters with the power of the holy spirit. The next year was amazing in many ways. I learned a lot living with Lucy and attended holy spirit classes at the main Episcopal church downtown. At the culmination of the meeting, several of us were prayed for to receive the holy spirit. I had a dramatic response. I retreated to the hallway, so they could pray for the next person. I must admit I was giddy with the power of God. So giddy that a young man I ran into in the hall thought I was drunk. Just like the disciples were thought to be drunk in the story of Acts!

Since then I've been a believer, but for one or two years in which I found myself looking for that window and crawling out away from God. But I've always come back. And I am back today.

New Thoughts

2007-04-27T13:07:00.000-04:00

My soul-searching continues as I seek wisdom about the second transplant. However, yesterday I had a breakthrough (on many levels) after talking and praying with others.

By all accounts available to me, I am in remission. This will be confirmed, I'm certain, when I return to MD Anderson on May 7th. I found out from Dr. Lindsay, a PA I've had extensive talks with from the transplant team at MDA, that before doing an allo they conduct tests to re-stage me. In other words, to find out where I stand with the cancer.

For this, Lindsay told me I'll go through all the tests I've gone through before: blood, bone marrow biopsy, and MRI or some other scan most likely. I've decided that when they tell me I'm in remission, I'll find out what treatment, if any, they would further suggest whether its the transplant or whatever.

Then, I will make my decision concerning the transplant. Though, in all honesty, I have sought peace concerning the 2nd transplant (the allo,) I must admit it has been fleeting. Once in awhile, since I started to reconsider the 2nd transplant, I've felt moments of peace..glimpses of the good that doing such a procedure would eventually do. But I often have greater peace when I think of all I've already done with the auto-transplant.

The word from MD Anderson is basically that I must "go with my gut." For they cannot say--based on the "good" but not "great" results of the trial--that this tandem auto/allo is the way to go. And the mortality rate, I know, makes them balk at being completely supportive of any decision I make either way. Only Dr. Popat ever said that he would have his own daughter do this treatment, if she needed it.

Know this for certain: whatever choice I make, I know it will be the right one.

This weekend I'm going to see a pastor named Michael Reid who has laid hands on thousands of people who've gotten well. I was going to go see him at Thanksgiving last year, but decided instead that I needed to be with my family. His main ministry is in England, but he spends a couple of weeks throughout the year in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I felt I should call and try to set up another meeting. I left a message on an answering machine, but received within the hour a return call from his wife, Ruth, who makes all of his appointments.

We talked for almost an hour! She told me about the breast cancer she was diagnosed with in 1988. This was right before they were to go to Argentina for several months of ministry with various churches. They decided to believe she'd been healed and go on to Argentina. Once there, Ruth was tested to make sure she'd been healed, but it turned out that the cancer was still there. So she started treatment in Argentina. She had chemotherapy and radiation which "nearly killed her," as she said, until Michael returned to England so as to get the house in order for her when he returned to bring here back home. Just as he was about to come and get her from Argentina, he was struck suddenly with influenza B. Forced to go to the hospital where he was quarantined for several weeks, Ruth remained in Argentina and completed her treatment with strangers caring for her. Finally, Michael was well enough, and he returned to bring her home. By this time, Ruth had pretty much done all of her treatment in Argentina.

She has been cancer-free for 20 years since then. During a check-up with her doctor at home, the doctor asked her if she wanted to know why she'd had to have her chemotherapy and radiation in Argentina. It turns out that this sort of aggressive treatment with the specific infusions, etc. she was given was not allowed in England at the time. Argentina would have been one of the few places in the world where she could have been treated so aggressively at that time.

So they believe that God works many different ways to heal a person. I thought this to be a very wise approach. And that is what attracted me to Michael Reid and his ministry.

Reaching Out to Old Friends

2007-04-26T18:59:00.000-04:00

For more than ten years, I attended a church in Austin called Hope Chapel. The memory of this church I attended right after graduating from UT has, in recent weeks, returned to me. Especially one man, who was an elder there, named Armond. There were others--roommates, friends, mentors, teachers--I remember with fondness, but Armond was really special.

It's incidental to this story, but I remember once coming to him frightened that I wasn't going to be able to pay my rent. Without hesitation he asked, how much do you need? I had to think about it, but finally came out with my answer. Within seconds the amount I needed was being handed to me. "How can I repay you?" I stammered. "You won't. It's a gift. You need it? It's yours." And that was just one example of Armond's graciousness, not just concerning money, but his time and energy.

Today, I decided to google his name. The first entry that popped up (amazingly) was a string asking for prayer for Armond in 2004 concerning some vertigo he was experiencing. The string originated from a church I'd never heard of in Austin, but I quickly googled the church and found its phone number. Not expecting to get anyone, I immediately found myself talking to someone in the office of Red River Church, who happily gave me a phone number for Armond. She also told me the news I couldn't believe: Armond's wife, Jo, had passed away two years before.

To my surprise, I also discovered that Renee, an old friend and roommate of mine from those days, is the wife of the pastor for Red River Church! And I was able to get her phone number, too. But, unfortunately, Renee, too, was reeling with an unbelievable development: she has a rare form of cancer that has somehow progressed to Stage IV.

I was stunned.

The call to Armond was everything I hoped it would be. For he is a very wise man. We must have talked for forty-five minutes. He had so many things to tell me that brought peace to my heart. At the end, we prayed together on the phone.

I also had the chance to talk to Renee. As it turned out, she will be at MD Anderson at the same time I'm going on May 7th. We talked a long time, as she explained her situation. I still can't believe it, but she's been suffering with a type of skin cancer called MF. We talked about healing and she shared that she had a blog. I went to it while we were talking on the phone. It is http://reneesmf.blogspot.com.

When I hung up, I found myself praying hard for Renee. She is one of my favorite people, and such an incredible person. She has three children in their teens. I prayed for her so hard...well, it was unbelievable. I felt my heart turn to a faith that came from a bright and sweet place so deep in my spirit that it's hard for me to describe.

I felt the presence of God and was filled with hope...for Renee but also for myself.

I'm Not Sick, I'm Just Bald

2007-04-25T17:12:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've found comfort in a phrase that came to me while I was praying one morning.

"I'm not sick; I'm just bald."

I didn't realize it until that moment, but it's hard to be bald. I think its hard (especially since I'm a woman) because it means that everywhere I go people have to think I must be sick. What else could they think?

Well, they could think I'm a punk rocker or alternative kind of chick, like Shanay O'Connor. They could think I've got more hair under my hat than they can see. Or, more likely, they could not even notice.

At least I've got a good hat; that's all I can say. One good hat. Sometimes I wear a bandanna (when I'm weary of the hat,) but my son and husband say, hands down: the hat is best.

It's a black hat with a rim all around, that I turn up in front. I bought it before I even needed it, along with some others. But those others just don't cut it. This black hat is the best.

I actually like it so much, I tried sleeping in it. Not comfortable. So I tried a bandanna. That was funny: there's a little knot at the base of your scull all night; plus, it keeps shifting all night.

What I probably need is one of those sleeping caps. But I've resisted buying one because I feel like the character in one of those Christmas carols. (And really old.)

Thankfully, I'm starting to develop a bit more of a fuzz. Not exactly a five o'clock shadow, since it's blond and the hairs can't be seen...but a 2-day shadow. Still...it's almost invisible, since it's blond, right?

Whatever the case, I keep saying to myself: I'm not sick, I'm just bald. That's because I'm not sick. I'm one of those in complete remission even before going on to the allo. And that's a blessing I thank God for.

As for hair, I'll thank God for that when it grows so long that I don't need my black hat.

Update

2007-04-24T12:41:00.000-04:00

Today I received clarification on insurance issues involving the allogeneic transplant and a re-evaluation at the Myeloma Institute in Arkansas. Insurance issues aside, the main concern is and will continue to be until I know for sure, whether or not the allo is something I should do at all. Setting aside those concerns, however, I can now see in part what my options are.

Insurance will not pay for a tandem transplant, unless I do it with MD Anderson. Under the auspices of a trial, Aetna was able to approve payment for the 2nd transplant. If I were to go anywhere else for the allo, I would not longer be part of the trial as it is set up at MDA.

With this new information, I felt it would still be good to get a consultation from the Myeloma Institute in Arkansas. Aetna will not pay for a full repeat work-up and re-evaluation at Arkansas, though they would pay for a consultation. Unfortunately, Arkansas will not do a consultation without also doing new MRI's, surveys, biopsies and whatever. So, if I want to be re-evaluated by Arkansas, I'll have to wait for another time.

When it comes to completing the allo-transplant in Houston, work situation has been, for me, an issue. I know that my health is ultimately most important, but I cannot help but see this as a major concern. Then it occurred to me recently: I've been trying to figure out the caregiver situation without reaching out to family and friends for caregiver coverage of the weeks that Kirk cannot be in Houston. I want to remedy that. So I'm asking for your help.

The procedure will take at least 100 days. From looking at information given to me by MD Anderson, the really intense time in the procedure is the first six weeks. The rest of the time is maintenance. I can't know right now how much time Kirk can give. My mom has said she can come to Houston for one week at a time. Perhaps one week in July and one week in August.

So, here's my query for friends and family reading this blog: is there a block of time you could give to be my caregiver while I'm in treatment at MD Anderson? If I do the allo, it will start most likely in mid or late May, then extend through the summer months. This is fortuitous since more people seem to have time in the summer than at other times of the year. I would think that caregiver help would most be needed starting with July and including August and possibly a few weeks in September.

For my peace of mind, if you can help, please e-mail me (swilder@ccccd.edu). I feel as if this is so much to ask...and it may not be necessary. But I've got to figure out what my options are as May 7th draws near.

Still Waiting to Hear From Arkansas Myeloma Institute

2007-04-24T11:06:00.000-04:00

This morning an overnighted packet arrived from the Myeloma Institute in Arkansas. I have a (tentative) appointment for a week-long re-evaluation that starts on Monday at 8AM, but I am starting to think I'll be reducing that to a one-day consultation instead. The reason: mainly insurance, since Aetna (I've been told just this morning) will not pay for a complete re-evaluation again.

I also found out from my Aetna transplant coordinator that if I'm going to get an allo-geneic I'll have to do it as part of the trial with MD Anderson. I still have time, of course, when it comes to re-thinking the allo because the research nurse at MDA said I had 120 days to start the allo (of which 30 days has already passed.)

On May 7th, I'll be going in for my monthly post-transplant evaluation at MDA, so it is then that I'll have to begin openly voicing my concerns and problems with getting an allo out-of-town at MDA. And, even if I refuse the allo, I know they will then want me to do a 2nd auto. I do not, of course, HAVE to do either. This IS a trial, after all. Not standard treatment. I have already done what many people do to bring the MM under control. And, as far as I can see, it is under control, if not completely eradicated.

The nurse and schedule person at Arkansas is going to get back with me soon. I'll know more as the day progresses.

God bless this mess.

UAMS: The Myeloma Institute for Research and Therapy

2007-04-23T16:57:00.000-04:00

On May 7th I have a follow-up appointment with my transplant team at MD Anderson. If I were going to continue with the 2nd allo-transplant, I'd probably start it on that date, as well. Whatever the case, I've got to continue with follow-up visits there for three more months.

There are three concerns I have about doing the 2nd transplant (if I do it at all) at MD Anderson. (I vacillate a lot about this, so bear with me.)

One, being in Houston for the 3-4 months it would take to complete the allo-transplant is daunting for family reasons. Two, I am beginning to have personal concerns about MD Anderson. Three, I have pretty much decided that the Myeloma Institute in Arkansas has a more expert opinion about MM and my own further diagnosis/treatment (if I need it.)

I've made appointments at the clinic in Arkansas, as well as Baylor here in Dallas. Even though I'm confident that I'm in remission now, I want to consult about the 2nd transplant with people in the know. That means visiting with the doctors at Baylor and, more importantly, going through a whole new battery of tests in Arkansas. The tests at Arkansas would take five days, so I'm having to see if my mom can stay with me for during some of that time. Kirk can come later and have to take less time off from work.

I'm leaning toward consultation at Arkansas more because they are experts in Multiple Myeloma. If interested, you should check out their website:

http://www.uams.edu/

There's a particularly compelling video on the home page that I recommend. It gives their success rates for complete remission, and they sound very good indeed. My interaction so far with the Arkansas clinic has been quite positive. They are much more about individualized attention than I experienced at MD Anderson overall.

I mean, MDA did a good job on the auto-transplant. I thank them for that. The nurses I depended on were especially wonderful. But there is incredible information to be gained from the Arkansas clinic--information specific to Multiple Myeloma.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling pretty good, both emotionally and physically. I reach out to God daily and feel more and more the peace which surpasses understanding. I know I'll make the right decision. As I am already beginning to do.

Searching For and Finding Peace

2007-04-22T16:17:00.000-04:00

During the camp out Friday night, I experienced a continuation of the depression that overwhelms me at odd times during the day and especially at night. I called my sister, Lisa, and we talked for an hour about the possibility of going through the allogeneic transplant. The conversation was emotional, but encouraging. And when I was back at the pop-up to talk it over with Kirk, I felt peace about my situation for the first time in weeks.

But, later that night, I found myself again unable to sleep, restless, even tearful. The pop-up was too cold for me, and Kirk awakened to look for the space heater. Once it was going and I had taken two Benadryls, I slept the rest of night without dreaming. But my restlessness and depression returned once again at waking.

The three hour trek to Austin was agony. I called my mom on the phone, but the reception was awful. Once at Central Market in Austin where I would consult with my friend, nutritionist and fellow cancer survivor, Mark Anthony, I found comfort. Mark reminded me that I had been living on adrenaline for the weeks during the auto transplant. That coming off of that adrenaline would feel like depression. This made sense to me. And I had heard, but forgotten, that fact from a cancer retreat in Arizona.

Then Mark laid out his ideas for eating healthfully while in recovery (and beyond.) We ate at the cafe, then walked the food aisles. As he pointed out foods, I took notes. Slowly, I began to feel the tight space in my chest loosen as Mark explained my options. I began to see that my depression, in part, stemmed from MDA's prohibiting me not to eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Cooking every fruit and vegetable was wearing me down, giving me more reason not to eat. But Mark showed me juice brands that are pasteurized without additives and presented recipes to me that I had not considered.

In addition, Mark explained a really simple way to remedy my lack of appetite, by separating preparation of the food from the eating of it. Of course, it helps that Mark has a Ph.D. in Nutritional Sciences from UT Austin, but his survival of colon cancer helps even more. He not only knows how to eat during recovery from cancer, but he's experienced it since he endured chemotherapy and five surgeries during his own treatment.

I left Central Market feeling better, as we drove three hours back to our campsite. Once there, I laid down on the bed for a while, then tried to eat. I reminded myself it was normal as I felt again the depression falling over me slowly. Kirk coaxed me outside, where I sat by the fire and gazed at the huge expanse of night above my head. The moon smiled at me. The stars twinkled sweetly. Back in the pop-up, I read my bible and went to sleep, finally peaceful again.

By morning, the strange malaise which had dogged me all weekend was gone. "I'm in remission," I said. Suddenly, all ideas I had of either doing or not doing the allogeneic transplant were like leaves flowing past me in a stream. "Remission," I said again, and peace filled my body. Then, I finally understood.

Whatever I choose to do, I can know that I'm in remission. Remission. A beautiful word. A real and true thing. I am in REMISSION. Thank God.

I was peaceful the rest of the day and even until this moment as I write this blog.

Leaving at Noon

2007-04-20T12:38:00.000-04:00

The pop-up is popped, packed (mostly) and ready to be hooked up to the car. The weather is beautiful: warm and sunny. And I feel excellent, except for a persistent lack of appetite, slight nausea. But I've been going outside for a 15-20 minute walk consistently for the last few days, and I feel ready for hike in the woods (even if it is shorter than I'm accustomed to) and getting a little fresh air, sun.

I am so looking forward to consulting about my diet with Mark Anthony in Austin on Saturday. More on what he says when I return Sunday or Monday.

What's more: I've been able to look courageously at the allogeneic transplant. Though I think, if I proceed with it, that I'll do it here at Baylor in Dallas. I did some research as I walking talking on the phone to the transplant coordinator at Aetna. She is a nurse, and we both looked up marrow.org, which tells how many transplants various hospitals have done in the last year or so. Baylor, apparently, has done as many for MM as MD Anderson. That surprised me. Also, I will be so much more at ease doing this procedure AT HOME. Four months in Houston will significantly derail Kirk's work situation, which would NOT be good as it would mean a loss of this great insurance I have with Aetna. (This is just a feeling Kirk and I have, however. His work has not said this "in so many words" to him.)

Of course, God can make all things happen. So, if I had to return to MDA for the allo, so be it. I'm just reviewing my options.

As for Baylor, I've already consulted with a doctor there that I like. His name is Vance. He's youthful and extremely energetic. I like that in a doctor.

Camping Weekend

2007-04-19T17:43:00.000-04:00

Today the pop-up camper will be pulled from its niche in the side yard for the first time since last summer. We'll stock it with stuff and be at Fairfield State Park by tomorrow evening. Saturday we'll get up and take walk through the woods. Then we'll be off to Austin for a visit with the nutritionist and friend of the family I've spoken of in other blogs. We'll return to our campsite for an evening under the stars, then pack up and leave by noon on Sunday morning.

I love camping, and I love Austin. What more could a girl ask for?

Photo: Kirk in the pop-up eating lunch.

Correction

2007-04-19T15:13:00.000-04:00

If you read my blog of an hour ago (which I have since deleted,) it contained information that I construed incorrectly. Please disregard.

No Abnormal Protein Bands Detected

2007-04-18T17:09:00.000-04:00

My local oncologist is out of town; the next available appointment is the end of May. Last week, I realized there was no way I could wait until then to know if I'm really in remission or not. So I demanded a blood test and urine analysis be done anyway. The results came in Monday. It's taken me until today to absorb the good news.

In the "Interpretation" section at the end of the results it states: "No abnormal protein bands (Bence-Jones Proteinuria) detected." What is "Bence-Jones Proteinuria"? I googled it; and, in several places, it says:

Bence Jones Protein:

"An abnormal protein with unusual thermosolubility characteristics that is found in the urine of patients with MULTIPLE MYELOMA."

I went back to look at the results from previous tests.

At the end of September, this abnormal protein was 3.7.
At the end of October, with MD Anderson, it was 5.5.
Beginning of December, (MDA) it was 1.6.
Early January 2007, (MDA) it was .8.

The lowest this protein got before the transplant was .5.

Now, it's nonexistent. I stared at the section where these proteins are reported. None of the usual numbers were there. Just a whole new set of numbers without the usual ABNORMAL or H (for high) or L (for low) beside it.

In fact, on this analysis, NOTHING is abnormal except two cryptic things. Something called AST, and something called ALT. I wish I knew what these were. However, my doctor's nurse said they have something to do with my liver, which makes sense because of the high dose chemo from the transplant.

Of course, in the second analysis, my white blood, red blood, and hemoglobin are still not normal. But that is what my friends at MDA said would happen. That it would take a while for all these counts to rise to normal. I need 1-2 more points on all these counts to be in normal range.

I think all I need now is for my oncologist to say, "You're in remission." That may not happen until the end of May. we'll see.

But I'll take "No abnormal protein bands detected" for now and say PRAISE GOD!!!!

(Photo: sunlit monument over our campsite at Zion Natl. Park last summer.)

The Case of the Missing Nutrition

2007-04-17T15:17:00.000-04:00

During the auto SCT and even during the months before when the cancer was being managed at MD Anderson in Houston, I rarely received guidance as to nutrition. In fact, what foods I ate was of little concern to anyone at MDA until those weeks after the SCT when I was asked to not eat fresh fruits and vegetables (of all things.) The reason: uncooked produce contains toxins that immuno-deficient people (which I was and, supposedly, still am) cannot tolerate.

Of course, such a restriction is counter-intuitive, to say the least. I was raised to love fresh produce. My mom had an organic garden, for heaven's sake. (Above: photo of Organics shop--finally--in Dripping Springs--where Jacob grew up.) But, apparently, foods (even organically grown foods) are fertilized quite often with manure or other waste products. The toxins from this soil grow up into the plant and are not removable unless the fruit or the vegetable is cooked.

This restriction is further complicated by the fact that I have the appetite of a small bird. I can never eat all of anything I put on my plate. For this reason, I am still losing weight...but that's not always good when you're trying to raise blood counts (WBC, RBC, etc.)

Despite this, I realize I must find my way through these restrictions and complications to a healthy diet that grows white blood cells and the like.

I've noticed so far that the following things work for me:

Vegetable-based soups
Cooked apples
Mashed potatoes
Chili with beans and rice
Simple meat dishes, like chicken, turkey and the occasional steak
Tart cherry juice in water
Whole wheat crackers (for nausea)
Cottage cheese
Goat cheese

But that's it. A dear friend of the family who is also a gifted nutritionist (mentioned in previous entries for his book Gut Instinct) and cancer survivor himself has been giving me nutritional advice for years. Now I am hoping he'll guide me even further, as I try to figure out how to eat again.

The Romance of the Move

2007-04-16T12:11:00.000-04:00

(Pop-up Camping: another way to experience the joy of "the move" and lack.)

Yesterday, I began de-cluttering my house by cleaning out double closets in my study. Inspired by the fact that my dad and his wife are (probably) moving back to California from Colorado this summer, I decided to ask myself the following question for each item I considered keeping, storing, selling or tossing:

Do I want to move this some day?

Unlike my dad, I'm not moving this summer. But I DO have what I would call a RELATIONSHIP with moving. That is, I have, in the past, loved moving. The romance, I know, comes from my essential being, which desires change, newness, and heart-pounding risk. As well, my love of the move centers on my well-hidden and yet powerful (even abiding) interest in minimizing my possessions. The move, in my experience, brings all these things to fruition.

For you see, even if time or energy does not permit the expulsion of material goods before the move, lack of time and energy after the move will certainly facilitate the illusion of such expulsion for at least a couple of months. Hence, if I avoid unpacking too much, I can at least FEEL as if I have less. And this lack--this simpleness--this smoothness in the essential work space devoid of personal objects--is, I find, cleansing.

So, though it is my desire to move SOME DAY, I stay put and accumulate while giving myself (now) respite from materialism through the act of therapeutic de-cluttering.

"Do I want to move this some day?" I ask myself as I extract bits from past projects I adored, students I once worried over and clothes I keep for sentiment's sake.

And quite often the answer is: "No, I don't want to move THIS, but I DO want to move."

Turmeric Force (and Resveratrol Synergy)

2007-04-14T14:33:00.000-04:00

After extensive research, I decided to begin taking today two supplements, Turmeric Force and Resveratrol Synergy. If supplements that battle Multiple Myeloma interest you, there are many sites where you can find information.

Two, in particular, I found extremely readable and well-documented, not only for studies on turmeric (or curcumin) and Resveratrol, but other alternative treatments for MM:

http://www.beating-myeloma.org

http://margaret.healthblogs.org/

Beating-myeloma.org is essentially a forum for alternative treatment approaches to MM, whereas Margaret's blog, entitled "Margaret's Corner," contains a diary of Margaret's adventures in MM with quick links to studies about these and other supplements or alternative treatments. I recommend both as level-headed and well-written sites that really helped me navigate the "alternative" world of treatments for MM.

Interestingly, a study on the effect of curcumin (a major ingredient in the spice Turmeric, pictured above) was conducted at MD Anderson. Dr. Aggarwal is the main contact, and I e-mailed him directly for dosage advice at aggarwal@mdanderson.org. Aggarwal wrote back to me quickly and suggested I consider 500 mg of both Turmeric Force and Resveratrol. I'll report the effect of these supplement, if any, as they unfold to me.

I suppose you could say I'm particularly sold on the healing properties of curcumin/Turmeric because, while undergoing chemotherapy/dexamethazone treatments from November of last year (2006) to January of this year (2007,) I ate Turmeric spiced foods every day. At the time, I was doing it on the advice of a nutritionist and good friend in Austin named Mark Anthony (who wrote Gut Instinct, a really sensible and fascinating book about diet.) Turmeric is also suggested by Andrew Weil, whose book Spontaneous Healing is a must-read for anyone wishing to get healthy.

It may be that eating Turmeric for three months nearly every day contributed to the free-fall my m-Proteins underwent in those early months of my diagnosis. It may have been a combination of alternative measures I used (and am using, but for six weeks when I could not during the auto transplant) which have brought me success so far. One can never be certain. But I don't believe supplementing with Turmeric and Resveratrol can hurt me. Certainly, just eating more Turmeric (found in traditional east Indian food) can't hurt at all.

Of course, Turmeric is very spicy--as are most east Indian dishes. Since I'm still a bit nauseated, I'm introducing this spice as I feel I can. Some people just don't like the taste. (One guy at the forum said Tumeric tastes like dirt to him.) Thankfully, I love Indian food, so I don't have that problem. All I need to do now is learn how to make my own Indian food. I do love curry, as well.

I used to eat all of these spices on a combination of broccoli and brown rice. But that's something I can't even think about eating without my stomach leaping inside of me. So, like I said, I'm taking the supplement and putting Turmeric into whatever I can (such as soup.) I seem to tolerate that pretty well, right now.

The Resveratrol is essentially Grape Seed Extract (pictured above,) which I've known for years as a great way to get rid of a bad cold. Since my immune system is apparently the area of my body most affected by MM (though I'd never know it--I've hardly had a single illness throughout my life AND throughout this cancer,) I can see what benefit Grape Seed Extract/Resveratrol would have.

Like I said of Turmeric, I'll report as the effect of Resveratrol unfolds to me.

Nothing Ahead, Nothing Behind

2007-04-13T18:13:00.000-04:00

There's an ancient story I teach called The Epic of Gilgamesh. In it, Gilgamesh, part god and part man, takes a journey into the underworld to bring back from the dead a friend whose life was taken unjustly by a goddess. At one point, as Gilgamesh is traveling league by league into the underworld, there is a long passage in which the storyteller states repeatedly that Gilgamesh "...could see nothing ahead and nothing behind him."

Despite this, once Gilgamesh arrives in the underworld he does gain, for his trouble, wisdom that he would not have gained if he had not made the journey.

I used to think that going through this cancer was going to give me, if not wisdom, at least, information, or rather, perhaps, things I needed to know.

But now that I am in the darkness, I am much like Gilgamesh. For, like him, I seen nothing ahead or behind. Gilgamesh could not have known when he was going through that darkness that there might be some worth, however small, in going through that darkness.

I am hoping I know better. That is, I hope I can have faith in all those verses of the bible that repeatedly tell me that God has a plan for me. In fact, I can do more than hope, in the greater part of me. For I actually believe that all will be well since it is well with my soul.

Yet I am weak. I feel sadness all the same, despite my understanding that God will bring me through this.

Complicated, isn't it?

And, I suppose, the only reason I share this irony is to make clear how complicated things can be for those battling cancer. Especially when the treatments have ended and life (it's been said) resumes normally.

By Such Things I Live

2007-04-12T18:53:00.000-04:00

14 I cried like a swift or thrush,
I moaned like a mourning dove.
My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens.
I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!"

15 But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.

16 Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.

Isaiah 38:14-16

Depression

2007-04-12T17:56:00.000-04:00

In December, just two months after diagnosis, I attended a retreat for cancer survivors where I met women who reported feeling depressed after their treatment was over. I wondered at that. Believed it was possible. Decided it wouldn't happen to me.

But it has.

Now that I am home from the autologous transplant, I'm feeling really down. I can't shake the feeling that I am no longer who I was. That beautiful girl with so much life ahead of her. No, I am the sick, hairless, sad, and doomed one. My life is not my own. It belongs to the doctors, the treatments, the pills.

Such knowledge is unspeakably difficult for one soul to handle. I am overwhelmed, consumed and defeated by it.

I cry suddenly, whether I am driving, watching television, or speaking with my ex-husband.

Yet, I know, from being in this place before, that I can find happiness and peace once again. I remember, after giving birth to my son, the depression I endured. Yet, I endured it for only about seven days. Then I had my beautiful son to boost me on. A helpless life form who needed me.

Now, once again, I have my son. Yet, at 13, he is quite able to take care of himself (for the most part.) I could choose, once again, to endure the pain for him, but I think a better choice lies deep down in my spirit.

It is the choice to move on from sadness for myself.

Okay. That sounds nice. But it's not working. Not now. I need answers that not only sound good, but actually work for me. The way I'm feeling now.

So, then, I come to the final conclusion. I am going through this sadness. It may last more than seven days. It may end tomorrow. Whatever the case, I can endure it, whether for myself or for someone else.

I will not die from sadness. I'm just going to feel bad for a while.

And I know, now matter how long I endure it, the sadness can't remove me from the love of God, my husband, my family, my friends. It can't steal anything from me that's of any worth.

It may take a miracle, but this, too, shall pass.

The Green-Eyed Cat Brings Wisdom

2007-04-11T12:18:00.000-04:00

I ask for wisdom. I receive wisdom.

I found today two sites exploring alternative treatments for Multiple Myeloma. The first is worth visiting:

http://www.margaret.healthblogs.org

In Margaret's blog, she presents well-documented ideas about curcumin, a substance known to help MM survivors stay in remission. Curcumin, in case you didn't know, can be found in curries, especially tumeric. It can also be taken as a supplement, called Longevinex, which seems to be the best. But there is also something called Tumeric Force that may work, also. I know, for a fact, that MD Anderson was conducting a trial of Curcumin as a treatment for MM just last year, since my MM doctor there mentioned it. But the trial had closed already.

Margaret also discusses ginger as a method of reducing and preventing bone lesions. Of course, I love ginger. I drink it as a tea I make by shaving ginger root into a pot of hot water. It's spicy and helps reduce nausea (a problem these days.) Ginger always helps nausea. I wish I'd remembered to make my special ginger tea when I was throwing up my guts after the high-dose chemo. I did drink Ginger Ale, but it's just not the same as the tea. Maybe too much sugar?

I've also signed on to a list serve at:

http://beating-myeloma.org/

Besides providing a forum, it is also a great place to read about treatments both alternative and conventional or both for MM.

From reading these I re-discovered the power of the sauna in the treatment of MM, so I'm reinstating my membership (which I'd frozen) at Cooper Aerobics. It's expensive, but has a clean well-run facility with a dry and steam sauna.

Stress management is also important, as I know. I remembered a wellness class at Collin College (where I'll be teaching in the Fall) that offers yoga for free, so I'll start that tomorrow, if I can.

There is also a level 1 yoga class at Cooper Aerobics tomorrow, so I may just go there.

I feel better just making plans to get back to these alternative therapies. I say "get back" because I did all of them extensively before the transplant and with excellent results. My mProtein dropped like a stone in response to all the treatments both conventional and alternative that I did.

For, in addition to the Velcade (chemotherapy) and steroids (dexamethazone,) I did the following daily:

Ate food spiced with tumerick and curry
Drank ginger tea
Visited the sauna
Did spiritual work, usually through writing, breathing exercises, meditation and guided imagery
Walked two miles outside
Took a detox bath with Epsom or other salts
Exfoliated
Drank tart cherry juice (known to bring down mProtien)

I had good results from this combination of therapies. I won't need the chemo or the steroids, but the other stuff I'll gladly return to.

Have You Been Through An Allogeneic Transplant?

2007-04-10T16:33:00.000-04:00

In James 1:5 there's a verse, I find comforting. It says--

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

I've been quiet about it, but I am part of a trial. It involves what is called tandem transplant protocol in which I first take on an autologous transplant (just completed,) then, withing 120 days take on another transplant. In my case, for the second transplant, I can choose between an auto (again) or an allogeneic transplant. I can choose what is called an allo-transplant (hence the term allo-geneic) because my only sister is a match for my bone marrow.

But I lack wisdom about transplants. Especially allo-transplants. Not because I haven't read everything I can about the allo, but because the complications for the allo are vast and I do not know what doing the allo will bring. For one, I could die. About 10% do. For another, I could get a terrible case of graft vs. host disease, which can be as mild as a rash that eventually goes away or as severe as disfigurement or worse, loss of mobility. What's more--the allo-transplant will take four months.

I need wisdom, though I feel that, my request to God concerning the allo-transplant, has been answered. As God answered when I asked about the auto-transplant. For I was eventually at peace about the auto. Concerning the allo, I have no such peace.

But I continue to ask God for wisdom because, as the verse says, God gives generously to ALL. Even better, God doesn't hold it against me for continuing to ask. There is no fault in asking God over and over again. So I do. And I know I will receive wisdom from God concerning whether I should go through the second transplant. That's because God's been good to give me the same wisdom about the auto.

I am asking that if you lack wisdom, you would pray with me--ask God to continue giving me wisdom, in one way or another, for or against the allo. And, if you have wisdom concerning the allo-transplant, I ask that you share it with me. This is especially for those who have actually gone through an allo-transplant. Or, if you've gone through just an auto-transplant...please share your story.

I'm also going to (finally) attend the Myeloma group at Gilda's Place to see what others, who have gone through this, might suggest.

Thank you for your help.

Home

2007-04-10T11:57:00.000-04:00

Arrived last night at 10:30.

Peace reigns, though I'm battling a headache.

I feel free, nonetheless, from the gravitational pull of MD Anderson.

God and life are good.

Way To Go!

2007-04-09T09:17:00.000-04:00

Today is my laaaaaAAAAAaaaast appointment (concerning the transplant.)

I'm going hOoOoOoOoOome!!!!!!!!!!

All RIGHTy now.

Gloomy Ocean, Green-Eyed Cat

2007-04-08T19:49:00.000-04:00

While Kirk retrieved our dog and cat from his sister's house in Corpus Christi, I found myself sequestered once again. This time at a quaint bungalow on Fulton Beach near Rockport.

Waiting for Kirk, I read The Secret. A book of wisdom on creating what you want, instead of what you don't want, in life. I had come to Rockport hoping to feel the sun on my face, the ocean on my feet. Instead, I felt the cold and watched the rain.

But I grasped what the book was telling me. That in order to create what you want in life, you've got to stop focusing on what you don't want.

Twice a cat with green eyes visited me. The first time I had come to a point in The Secret where I was asked to verbalize the good I wanted. I started this. Then the howls of the green-eyed cat drew me to the back door. I opened it. He came in. This bungalow was clearly his bungalow. He skipped immediately to the bathroom and jumped up into the sink. He made me laugh. Eventually, I put him back out.

The second visit came at another pivotal moment. An exercise I was doing from the book inspired me to focus on something that would lift my spirits. So I closed my eyes and imagined the future. I have long hair flowing behind me as I ride with my arms wrapped around Kirk's middle on his motorcycle. We are riding through the hill country along the Devil's Backbone near Austin. Our land we've just purchased is near. Our pop-up camper sits on it. We are just beginning to build a home we've dreamed of building.

Then: a jump and scratch like a large dog comes from the back door. I go there thinking I'll see a Great Dane looking up at me. But it is, once again, the green-eyed cat. This time I decide not to let him in. Still, he goes to every window and howls to me, his green eyes staring me down. He makes me laugh once again.

I am here in Houston now. But did not remember, until I saw the gloomy photo I had taken of the ocean, the visits from the green-eyed cat who punctuated with laughter the exercises from The Secret that gave me joy.

Maybe there's something to this thing The Secret describes.

T.V. and the Steroid-Induced Delusion

2007-04-07T08:33:00.000-04:00

I don't like daytime television, but I watch a lot of it. And it's not as if it has anything to do with the cancer I had because I watched lots of television both daytime and prime time that I didn't like before. What I watch has changed, however, since I no longer crave the gruesome forensic drama or the embattled courtroom display. I now watch, most of the time, HG TV, though I still don't like it all that much. HG TV, of course, means Home and Garden Television. For daytime, I'm most interested in houses and other house-like presentations, like self-constructed rv's, the history of old homes and designers competing over room decorating.

As for prime time television, I have one guilty pleasure: American Idol. But I'm too embarrassed to talk about watching that today.

Daytime television, I must admit, is embarrassing, too. But for different reasons that have everything to do with the essence of a statement Lance Armstrong made in a reflection about cancer recently published in Newsweek. He said:

“It’s clear that the way we battle cancer is deeply at odds with our values as a country, and with our common sense. There is a serious gap between what we know and what we do; what we deserve and what we get; what should be and what is” (37).

Armstrong elaborates, stating that our country is about freedom, choice and rights. But cancer isn't, mainly because there are things Americans could do to help the cancer situation that they don't. For Armstrong, he's mostly referring to lack of legislation for health care and cancer research. But he is also speaking of how Americans abuse their health more than any other country in the world.

Which brings me back to December of last year. I was coming off of two rounds of steroids and chemotherapy. By this time, my face had that characteristic moon shape. I had gained around 15 pounds. I looked forward to stopping the steroids because I knew it would deflate my body, but I had no idea that withdrawal would be so psychotic an experience.

As I lost weight and my face slimmed down, I also felt as if I was stoned for a total of five days on some very bad drug. I was extremely paranoid. For a few days, I'll never forget, while in this state of psychosis, everything I saw on television was blasphemy. I believed that American had somehow come under the dominion of an angry and controlling God. This God watched American television and saw it as a reflection of our core values as a society. And, for these abominations, He was planning to annihilate us.

His outrage: the myriad of ads and programming focused on the outer self. "Slim and lift," your stomach, eyes, butt and thighs with low calorie diets, pills, nylon smoothers and impossible work outs. And the worship of models and actors who had achieved this bodily perfection was achingly clear when we salivate at the chance to see "tears and top model mayhem" on America's next top model. Or when we drooled over perfectly dressed people exclaiming, "That suit is horrible on her" on What Not To Wear. And on.

His anger: the consequence of internalization, the obsessive focus on appearance. So for those who diet, exercise and criticize their bodies so much it makes them sick, there's the pharmaceutical ads proclaiming that "side effects are generally mild and vary by age." These drugs can "prevent depression from returning," make girls "one less" cancer statistic or gift men's and women's organs with the ability to love "like there's no tomorrow."

For three days, I believed that God was angry with America because of what our televisions, really our oracle, said about our society. The oracle spoke of debauchery and decadence that, under this God's judgment, would send us all to hell in hand basket.

For a few days, I stopped watching television. The display of judgment inducing behavior was too garish for me.

Today, I'm back to watching the old oracle of daytime debauchery. But I no longer believe God is going to kill us all. I just believe that so much of what I see on television supports a striving way of life that cancer thrives on. That if something doesn't change, not just on television, but in our society generally, cancers of all kinds will become an epidemic. Some cancers already have, according to those in the know. Whether this is true or not for society is not something I can say without becoming as judgmental as that angry God I imagined. But I know it was true of myself. Before cancer, I was one stressed out woman. My regular pattern of breathing was actually panting. And I fed my striving habit by every means possible. It was my energy and sustenance.

I'm wanting now to have mercy on myself. Let go and let God. You know, all that babble we've heard for years, but ignored. I have even started meditating just a little each day. Praying. Writing more and more. I'm still something of a stress addict, but I think I'm relaxing more. Even if I still haven't stopped watching televsion.

Maybe I'm doing research.