Numbers and Feelings All in a Pile

In just ten days, my white blood cell count went from .4 to 2.7; hemoglobin 10.0 to 12.3; platelets 89 to 187. The most dramatic is the platelets, since 187 means I'm in the normal range.

The excellence of my counts and other factors mean I'm able now to go home. I've lost 10 pounds since the transplant started, and I'm going to lose more. I'm easily tired as the doctor said I would be, but even that gets better every day.

I have not felt sick for two weeks. I have no hair, but I can feel it starting to grow. I've got on my head what guys call a "five o'clock shadow."

Yet, I struggle still emotionally. In the evenings, I feel angry and sad. I want out of this apartment, but I'm stuck for a few more days. My impatience makes me angry. I'm sad because I've experienced rejection in ways too deep and broad to write about. They are too much for me. My strength for it is just not there.

In the mornings and for most of the day, I feel happy. Happy for the new life I'm starting. Happy for all that I can create in the days and months to come.