Searching For and Finding Peace

During the camp out Friday night, I experienced a continuation of the depression that overwhelms me at odd times during the day and especially at night. I called my sister, Lisa, and we talked for an hour about the possibility of going through the allogeneic transplant. The conversation was emotional, but encouraging. And when I was back at the pop-up to talk it over with Kirk, I felt peace about my situation for the first time in weeks.

But, later that night, I found myself again unable to sleep, restless, even tearful. The pop-up was too cold for me, and Kirk awakened to look for the space heater. Once it was going and I had taken two Benadryls, I slept the rest of night without dreaming. But my restlessness and depression returned once again at waking.

The three hour trek to Austin was agony. I called my mom on the phone, but the reception was awful. Once at Central Market in Austin where I would consult with my friend, nutritionist and fellow cancer survivor, Mark Anthony, I found comfort. Mark reminded me that I had been living on adrenaline for the weeks during the auto transplant. That coming off of that adrenaline would feel like depression. This made sense to me. And I had heard, but forgotten, that fact from a cancer retreat in Arizona.

Then Mark laid out his ideas for eating healthfully while in recovery (and beyond.) We ate at the cafe, then walked the food aisles. As he pointed out foods, I took notes. Slowly, I began to feel the tight space in my chest loosen as Mark explained my options. I began to see that my depression, in part, stemmed from MDA's prohibiting me not to eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Cooking every fruit and vegetable was wearing me down, giving me more reason not to eat. But Mark showed me juice brands that are pasteurized without additives and presented recipes to me that I had not considered.

In addition, Mark explained a really simple way to remedy my lack of appetite, by separating preparation of the food from the eating of it. Of course, it helps that Mark has a Ph.D. in Nutritional Sciences from UT Austin, but his survival of colon cancer helps even more. He not only knows how to eat during recovery from cancer, but he's experienced it since he endured chemotherapy and five surgeries during his own treatment.

I left Central Market feeling better, as we drove three hours back to our campsite. Once there, I laid down on the bed for a while, then tried to eat. I reminded myself it was normal as I felt again the depression falling over me slowly. Kirk coaxed me outside, where I sat by the fire and gazed at the huge expanse of night above my head. The moon smiled at me. The stars twinkled sweetly. Back in the pop-up, I read my bible and went to sleep, finally peaceful again.

By morning, the strange malaise which had dogged me all weekend was gone. "I'm in remission," I said. Suddenly, all ideas I had of either doing or not doing the allogeneic transplant were like leaves flowing past me in a stream. "Remission," I said again, and peace filled my body. Then, I finally understood.

Whatever I choose to do, I can know that I'm in remission. Remission. A beautiful word. A real and true thing. I am in REMISSION. Thank God.

I was peaceful the rest of the day and even until this moment as I write this blog.