Day 33: Missing Kirk Again

The two units of blood I received Friday must have worked because today I do feel more like myself. I'm on the last hour of my home infusion of Magnesium...usually the hardest part. Toward the last hour of the infusion the Magnesium makes me feel hot, almost as if I have a sunburn and can give me a headache and/or make me nauseated. I'm thinking that if I can distract myself by writing, perhaps my "end" reactions won't be so noticeable.

Mom just called from Albuquerque. She had a lay over in El Paso, but the flight was uneventful. Once again, she was so helpful. There's lots of food in the frig to heat up for the coming days before Kirk will be here because of her. I'm so glad she was able to make it work in her schedule to be here again for another week. I'm not sure how I would have made it through the "endless" Friday, if it hadn't been for her. She managed to do all the wash, as well. But her greatest contribution was her perspective, which made me feel supported and loved through the day in and day out of my treatment. Thank you, mom. I love you so much.

Kirk reports now that the cat has chewed out all of his stitches, despite doctor's orders that he not do this. Amazingly, it appears he is unscathed by his behavior. The surgical wound has healed, though Kirk is going to ask the vet it there's anything that he should watch for. That cat just will not be held down by anything.

These days I, too, find myself chewing out my own "stitches," but in the emotional world...not the physical. I am at day 33. The earliest anyone has gone home from this experience is day 84. That leaves 51 days...about one month and a half...before I can hope to go home. Thank God there are little victories along the way. For example, when I was suddenly reduced from going into the outpatient clinic 7 days a week to only 3 days a week. My next step will be reduction to 2 days a week...probably Tuesdays and Fridays (according to my APN.) But I will be happiest when I can start reducing the amount of Cyclosporine I'm taking. August 10th will be another major step because I'll have a bone marrow biopsy that will indicate what is going on with the cancer. Of course, I know they'll find nothing. I'm just looking forward to the proof of my healing.

I'm having I must admit some issues with loneliness. I had mom here and that helped. I have Jacob here and that is wonderful. But I miss Kirk, who I get to see so rarely it is really starting to bother me. Talking to him on the phone sometimes actually just makes it worse. I don't know how to explain this. Mom sends lots of cards. People do call. I wish it were possible to exchange the presence of my loving husband for the presence of others, but it just can't be done. I miss him terribly and find myself resenting anyone and anything that prevents him from being here. It is almost unbearable to go through this last treatment for the cancer without him. The few days he was here were awesome, though three days can hardly make up for the ten he had to be gone.

Tonight Jacob and I will make a trek to a drive-in movie theater, so we can see a movie on the big screen. Of course, it wouldn't be prudent for me to go see a movie in a movie theater right now. I'm being very careful about protecting myself from catching anything, as my doctors recommend. I hope I have enough energy to go through with it. The movie starts at 9PM and probably won't be over until around 11PM. Then I'll have to drive back to the apartment. I feel as if it will be okay, but I'll just have to take it as it comes. If I'm not ready to leave at 8PM, then we'll wait until Kirk is here to give this a try.

Kirk has noticed that I have a few more typos in my blog lately. He's worried that this is a sign that things are "not as they should be" with me. I want everyone to know...it's true: things aren't "as they should be," but only because I miss Kirk so much. I often read over the blog and notice these typos. I just don't have any motivation to go back and change them. Motivation for me has often come from Kirk. I mean, I'm able to motivate myself...and have for years...but now that I'm weakened physically as well...my motivation has slipped a bit. Especially without my sweetheart here.

I love Kirk so much.