Self Talk and Dieting

Through my doctor at MD Anderson, I've been able to talk with a 9-year survivor of multiple myeloma. When she was diagnosed, they treated it with an auto transplant only, since other protocols were not considered viable in the late 90's. Even though she was in remission after the auto, she also had three years additional years of chemo and steroids, which have continued to keep her in remission for six years. She once told me of her life before diagnosis, which she feels was fraught with abuse to her body that she never wants to repeat.

The abuse, she said, entailed a life-long obsession over her weight that actually started when she was growing up. Her mother, she said, was nearly anorexic most of her life, but was always talking about how fat she was. As an adult, she said, the cycle continued, and despite being very thin, she constantly believed herself to be overweight.

When I first heard her story, it made me think about this phenomena of body abuse by dieting that is so prevalent in America. Though I never thought about my weight when I was growing up, once I got out of college I started having issues. I don't think I really obsessed about my weight until I gave birth to Jacob, since it was so hard to lose the "baby fat" I put on during my difficult pregnancy. But at age 40, when I had already done a couple of weight-loss programs (that were safe and worked for me,) I probably did begin to really obsess about my weight when it just wouldn't come off again. I say that because I think it is when I turned 40 that I began to "see myself" in my mind as being much more heavy than I actually was.

For example, if you look at my profile photo, it shows me with Kirk on our summer vacation last year. I look back at that picture and cannot believe how beautiful I look. I'm not fat; I have hair; and I've got a handsome man beside me. What more can you ask for? But, at the time the picture was taken, I was sure I was a fat, ugly cow! Amazing.

Now, I realize that my inner voice--that unrelenting way we all have of speaking to ourselves about ourselves--can be used to tear down my self-esteem more efficiently than anything other people might say about me. I also know that the opposite is true. That is, I don't need to be seeing myself in such a negative way. I can be free of judging myself so harshly all the time. I can be good to myself and use the voice to increase my health.

Now, all I strive for is health. I like being able to fit in my clothes, but I'm not happy because of this. I'm happy because I can get on my bike and ride for three miles without too much strain. I'm happy because I have energy to do most of the things I need and want to do. I may not be as healthy now as I would like to be, but it is only a matter of time.

I know one thing: I have no desire to ever treat myself the way I used to treat myself concerning my weight. Yes, it's hard to be overweight. I gained 15 pounds taking steroids! But, I realize now, that should not have been cause for me to beat myself up. I should see it as a temporary situation than I've working to rectify by eating right and keeping active.