Steam

These are the times that try my soul. There is a bursting in my being that just will not quit. It's like a pot on the stove that started bubbling days ago and is just now starting to rattle and spew. I cannot contain it. The steam must have its out.

How else can I describe it?

I stand back and look at myself. Rising to this point of boiling. And it is really just vapor, without substance, without shape. It is heated air. Not real. For my body and my God tell me I am healed, but my mind will not give up. It whispers and sputters. What? I can hardly put words to it. Except that I have lost a part of myself that cannot be named, but still demands to cry out to me as it is being pulled away.

Is it my security? innocence? certainty?

For all these things have fled my heart, leaving skid marks so real to me I'm sure others can see them streaked across my face. But even this is not true.

The rebel in me has, nonetheless, arisen. The one who will not take things sitting down. The self that is determined to accomplish at least the most essential of purposes God gave me, which is to live. And live well.

So, here is my prayer:

God, I love You.
And I believe.
Please help me with my unbelief.
Intervene continually and creatively, as only You can do, as I make my way across this landscape of suffering.
Forgive me for seeing myself contrary to the way You see me.
Grant me the ability to adopt Your reality and cast off this black haze, which consists of nothing.
Thank You for Your grace and mercy.
Heal Renee. And hold me in healing, too.
Unleash (even more) Your divine help into my caregiver situation.
Give Your wisdom for my healing to my doctors today and every day.
Amen.