Fear

I can see now that the hardest thing about cancer for me is fear. Since October, I have feared the high dose chemo I will probably receive next week. And I don't think I've feared it because of the pain it may cause me. I think I've feared it because of how it may change me. Will I be okay when I'm done with this last chemo shot? I mean, will I be okay with me?

I can use my mind. I can analyze someone like Lance Armstrong who went through three cancers all at once and more than a few high dose chemo events, but went on to be stronger and better than he was before. But will I be as strong? Will I be okay with who I am when the chemo has washed out of my system the way that Lance or other cancer survivors were okay when it was finally over for them? I think that's what I fear. Being okay with who I am when all of this is finally over.

I do not even think about the people who did everything I'm doing, were strong and brave, but didn't make it.

For me, the high dose chemo is the beginning of the end of treatments I've wanted to get past for over three months. The beginning of the end of something I've longed to see go, but hoped I would gain from what my soul needs me to gain.

I do not want to be afraid of this. If there is a difference in me after next week, I want to see it as something my soul needed.

God help me not to be afraid.