I have decided that the hardest part for me in getting through this treatment--the stem cell transplant and all the other chemos and pills that came before--is the unnaturalness of it all. It's not natural to be hooked up to an IV of saline and nausea medication in a backpack I carry with me everywhere I go. Nor is it natural to have a "port" under my collar bone that gives fluids and medicines straight access to my heart and veins. It's not natural to take so many pills to keep from getting diseases while my body--most unnaturally--has no immune system.
It's not natural to want to sleep all the time, unless you're a bear in hibernation. And it's not natural to be content with dreaming of going camping and living in the Hill Country, when there's no certainty I'll be able to do those things any time in the near future.
The natural thing when getting cancer is probably dying. I'm sure that's what people have done for thousands of years when they got cancer. I am doing the unnatural thing.
But one thing's certain. When I get through with all these unnatural things to save my life, I'll know that my natural self is what will truly save me. It is the part that will take over once the doctors are done. My natural immunity, which was so strong for so many years, will take over because I will nurture and encourage it. It won't have to be weak because I've weakened it with stress or fear or all the other host of things I've allowed myself to fall prey to.
I will be strong, naturally.
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