Judge Stout, as her somewhat ironic name was, looked up at me with an expression of hate and disgust that trumped even the spiteful stare that Little Red was giving me.
Her voice dripped malice as she spoke. “So, Wolf, what do have to say for yourself this time, hmm? I can tell you right now, there’s no way you’re getting out of this one- not on my watch!”
This brought a round of hoots and cheers from the jury- in particular from the Three Little Pigs, who were seated at the top right side of the juror’s box.
Somebody in the crowd- it sounded like Little Bo Peep (what’s with all the “little”s, eh?)- shouted out, “Hang him by his own tail!”
Once again, the jury broke out in wild celebration, but was soon quieted by a savage banging of the judge’s gavel.
“Alright, alright! Shut up before I hold you all for contempt!” screamed Judge Stout. “Now… we have a case to get underway! First, we’ll hear from Wolf’s side- not like there’s anything he could say to save himself now!”
Well, my court-appointed lawyer had “forgot” to show up for the trial, and since Stout didn’t seem all too interested in following the law and getting me another one, it looked as if I was on my own.
“Well, Your Honor,” I started off modestly, “As was apparent from the crime scene and the inspection of my stomach, I ate Ol’ Granny, plain and simple.”
“Poor Granny!” cried the pigs in unison. At the same time, there was heard a deep chuckle from the general direction of The Giant.
“We know that,” spat the Judge, “What we want to know is why you ate her!”
"Well, Judge, as I was about to explain, I didn’t eat her of my own accord- I was ordered to!”
As I had expected, a round of gasps went around the room. I heard a vague thump, and knew that Jack (of “Jack and the Beanstalk” fame)’s mom had feinted.
“Who would tell anyone to do such a dreadful thing?” cried Stout.
“Why,” I stated, “It was the Mob.”
“Organized Crime?” inquired the Judge.
“The Mafia?” screeched the Pigs.
“How horrible!” wailed the Fairy Godmother.
“Of course it was the mob,” I fumed, “What do you take me for, a law-abiding citizen? Now, if all of you would just SHUT UP and let me tell my story, then maybe you’ll get your questions answered!”
A hushed silence fell over the courtroom, and I continued. “Thank you. Now, it started just the other day, as I recall…”
“It was a Saturday night, you see- now, everybody has had a few Saturdays where they had just a little too much corn cider, eh? Well, for me, this was one of those nights. I was stationed in the back room of the Far Far Away night club, over on
“Anyhow, as the clock ticked away the hours, I felt my self getting sleepier and sleepier, and the cider wasn’t helping. But, I kept drinkin’ it, straight out of the jug. A couple dozen swigs later, and I was passed out on the floor. When I woke up, I felt terrible, and it took me a few minutes before I realized the truth… The Dust was gone! Vanished, into thin air, it seemed.
“And to make things worse, I could hear the delivery truck pulling up in the back. I couldn’t go out that way, and the front was guarded by some mean-lookin’ Family bruisers- I was trapped, so I had to come clean and tell the Don what had happened. He was a lot less angry than I figured he would be- he may have been a little drunk himself, actually-, and he just told me that I had to get it back soon, or I’d be dead and gone by that time tomorrow.
“I knew I had three main suspects- The Muffin Man, who liked to give his pastries some extra “spice”; Mary, who used it to dope up Little Lamb and stop it from following her to school; and- you guessed it- Granny. But, the first two suspects wouldn’t work out, since they were both on the Mob’s delivery list, and wouldn’t have any reason to cross their supplier. So, I had to go with the third option. You see, Granny was much more than many people thought she was- she was the Godmother- no offense, Mrs. Fairy ‘Mother- of the biggest Family in the land- besides mine, of course.
“Granny had been a problem for us since May, when we stole her recipe book as a little “joke”. That time, she sent Little Red over to shoot Godfather- she wasn’t successful, and nearly got herself killed, but all the same, it was a little too close a call for the Family’s comfort. Then, Granny had Big Bad Wolf- my brother, mind you- killed in an elaborate hoax that ended in the “unfortunate accident” of his death. Now, she had stolen our Ginger- this was all the Family could take. I got an official Writ of Execution from Godfather himself, and set out through the woods.
“As I walked through the pines, I ran into Red, but it was obvious that our meeting was no accident. As soon as she saw me, she screamed and threw a cupcake filled with ether- the little weasel- and ran. I followed her until I came upon a little cottage. Red was nowhere in sight, so I just walked right in. I peered around the first room of the cottage, the kitchen. It smelled like ancient French cheese in there- and the dainty trim on everything made me shudder.
“Suddenly, there was a call from the back room- ‘Red, is that you?’ called a feeble-sounding voice. I chuckled and barged right in. Before I could realize my mistake, I had already walked into a trap. I was hit in the back of the head with a tire iron, and immediately fell over, unconscious. When I woke, I found “Weak Little Granny” poised over me with a baseball bat. I could clearly see Red, composing herself in the mirror, and in the shadows, there was a large figure that I couldn’t distinguish.
“Granny spoke up, ‘So, Wolf, what will you do now? There’s no way out of this little house!’”
“I quickly checked my options, and realized that whoever had tied the knots behind my back was terrible at keeping people restrained. In a few seconds, I had undone them. But Granny didn’t know this yet, and just as she raised the bat to bring it down upon my skull, I lashed out and knocked it from her hands. She gave a high-pitched scream, and Red turned from the vanity table with a tiny pistol extended toward me. I dove instinctively as a gunshot tore the air inside the cottage, and then turned, and in one gulp, swallowed Granny whole. Before I could even cry out, the figure from the shadows was upon me like a bull.
“Hearing Red yell, ‘Catch!’, I looked to watch a double-barreled rifle fly through the air. Making the most of my momentary reprieve, I scrambled up (now, this is difficult to do when you’ve got a fat old lady in your belly), and flew out the door like the devil was after me. I heard two shots behind me, and felt a pellet skim one of my ears, but I kept running. I looked back for a moment, though, and, to my stunned surprise, looked upon… the Huntsman!”
Chaos broke loose in the court, as a hubbub of shocked exclamations spread across the room. But, just above it all, Red could be heard as she blasted; “Now you look here, WOLF! When MY FAMILY hires an ASSASIN, we don’t choose someone like the HUNSTMAN!”
Everything stopped. Entirely. There was not a sound in the entire room, and for a few seconds, everyone was so appalled that they became speechless. Except, that is, the Judge. Her raspy voice rang across the court- “That’s a confession! THAT IS A CONFESSION! Bailiff, arrest her!”
In the back of the room, a giant commotion broke out as the Huntsman himself tried to make it to the doors. This upstart was immediately followed by a terrific THUMP, that of the door guard’s nightstick on the Huntsman’s stomach. A pained “Oooooohhh!” issued from the crowd. In seconds, the guards were upon Little Red, too, and she screamed all the way to the floor.
The end of the story is quite obvious- I, of course went to jail- for possession, breaking and entering, and conspiracy to eat. But, of course, not murder. Little Red got slammed with three conspiracy convictions and is currently on trial; People Vs. Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Little Pigs, for the First Degree Murder of the Big Bad Wolf. The Huntsman, too, got his fair share of jail time, for assault with a deadly weapon and, of course, conspiracy.
So, what happened to the Ginger Dust? We recovered it, but don’t ask me how- just talk to Little Red herself- she can be found banging a tin cup on the outside window of her 6X8 cell at the county jail- the cell right next to mine.
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