More Good News

I am considering many options for the continuation of my blog. I do so appreciate your patience. There are many good developments in my health of late. My red blood has taken a miraculous turn for the better and now resides at a nice healthy 12! It's hard for me to think of it as anything but a miracle because the two days before I had it tested I was sleeping much of the day because I was so weak. That's why I went to the doctor to have it tested. Day two of my bout with weariness caused me to reach out to several of my praying friends. I even felt inspired to contact Ruth and Michael Reid. The next day, I was feeling better but didn't realize that the nurse would be coming out to report that I was a 12. A 10 was what I had heard most people in my situation hover at, but mine had gone so low (down to 7.9!) that I thought I'd have to be okay with a 9. But I am blessed with a 12!

I am still unable to stop taking the nausea medication, however. I believe it is due to the number of pills I am still taking on a daily basis. With the medication, I am able to eat though I do not have much of an appetite...at least not until evenings when I sometimes get ferocious hunger pangs and eat whatever healthy foods I can get my hands on. Breakfast and lunch are another story, as I often have no idea what to eat since nothing sounds good at all. I am now wearing a size 8 in jeans! I've been skinnier before, but this has been effortless. That is, of course, because I do no feel all that hungry most of the time. Believe it or not, I actually look forward to feeling hungry (not overly so, of course) again.

I am in a course with a favorite professor of mine at UTD, but am reconsidering some aspects of my studies. I have come to a place in my life when I am unwilling to do anything of major importance that does not completely fit with my professional interests. It's a good thing, but I am being cautious. Who knows how much more I will change in my feelings about my Ph.D. work as I make progress toward health?

I am now receiving teacher disability retirement. My first check came the first of October. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about that, but it has been, for the most part, a positive experience. I feel that I am contributing at least some of what I could be making if I were able to teach. Until I've gotten my immunizations and more teaching work lined up, I'm going to collect this small pension.

I know that I need to find a creative outlet. So I am considering many options...most of which involve this website...but renamed. I'm thinking I'll just take the cancer out of the title and call it Sherry's Cookies. That way my faithful friends and supporters who keep coming to my blog in hopes of reading about what is going on with me can still find me fairly easily.

Thank you for your prayers concerning the persistent nausea and a little bit of stuff coming up concerning my liver (which may be causing the nausea).

Moving On

Sorry that I haven't checked in to write my blog for so many days. Everything is fine, I'm just considering renaming my blog...so as to move on from cancer. My treatment is done. I'm in remission. I'm in an independent study that takes up much of my extra time. All of these things are good.

Please be patient while I reconsider a name for my blog that does not have anything to do with cancer, but has everything to do with life and living it.

I know I am where I am because of God and for God's grace I am so very very thankful.

Quick Trip to Houston

As promised, I am returning to Houston for a quick check up with my doctor at MD Anderson. We're staying at Springhill Suites because the Rotary is full. But that is fine. The main reason the Rotary is better concerns parking. If you stay at the Rotary, parking is free. Whatever the case, I am glad to be getting this last appointment in because I will not have to return again for a while.

Thursday, I'll start seeing my local oncologist who will be responsible for checking my blood and making sure I stay on track with my recovery. I am supposed to start tapering off of Cyclosporine as of this appointment.

Jacob was off to his first day of school today. I drove him to the school, and he seemed excited. I'll be be here this afternoon to pick him up, of course, then his dad will get him from home. He has Boy Scouts tonight, so his dad will get him there and back again. He'll stay with his dad tonight.

We should return by tomorrow evening.

Thankfully, I have a book on tape that Kirk and I have been listening to. This helps pass the five hours of driving to Houston.

Today, I'm just packing and doing laundry until Kirk and Jacob come home. Then, Kirk and I will be leaving for Houston.

An Entire Week (Almost) Has Passed

There were lots of things to do this week. Mainly, unpacking and getting Jacob ready for school. There is, as you can imagine, a lot of things that have been left undone over the summer that I've needed to do. I still find time in the mornings to drink coffee on the back porch when it is not so hot. And it has been hot. Especially after 12PM until about 7PM. Then it cools off again.

Even as I'm writing this, Jacob is in his room organizing and sorting. It is not so big a project because he was not here all that much over the summer. Boy Scouts starts back up on Monday, and then the Court of Honor the next Monday.

I have a wig to return, as well as some reimbursements to make. These things have not been forgotten.

My only complaint is I am tired at unexpected times. It may be low hemoglobin or just getting used to moving around a lot more. Whatever the case, I am asking for continued prayer concerning my counts. My red blood needs to be at around 10.

We return for one final check up on Tuesday in Houston. I'm sure I'll see what my counts are at that time. Meanwhile, I continue to eat...fresh fruits and veggies even...making sure I get lots of iron.

Home

It looked as if there might be flooding in the area of Houston where the apartment is, so Kirk and I decided to come home to Dallas now. It was a good decision. Tuesday, we'll return so I can have my catheter removed at MDA. Hurricane Dean is heading much further south, so there's no reason we can't keep that appointment.

The weather here in Dallas is beautiful, though balmy. Vastly different, however, from the balminess that I associate with Houston. In Dallas, there is a nice breeze and temps stay in the 70's all morning. Making for a nice cup of coffee on the back porch anytime before 1PM.

The cat and dog were so relieved to see me. On Saturday, the doorbell rang and there was a man standing there with a huge candy bouquet from my mom, Lisa and Randy. There was a teapot vase that looked like something Mary Engelbright would design. I immediately ate one of the chocolates. It was such a thoughtful gift.

Joe, Jen, Zenny and Jordan (who is talking up a storm) came over for a quick visit, then Kirk, Jacob and I went to look at washers and dryers at the Sears outlet. Our washer dumps rust stains (and even bleach) unexpectedly on most anything I wash sometimes. Kirk took it apart months ago to see if he could clean it up and fix it, but it continues. So we're seeing what we can afford to do, right now.

I'm about to take Jacob for a haircut. Jacob's trip to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back was difficult, but a great accomplishment (he agrees.) It was probably harder than he and his dad imagined it would be, but nonetheless they are glad they did it. On the way, they had the chance to visit relatives in New Mexico, as well. Jacob had never met his cousins on his dad's side (not since he was three years old!) so it was a good trip all around.

I feel very blessed to be home, have hair and my family all around me.

Plans for This Week

Since I am returning home to Frisco next Wednesday, this week will constitute my last relatively alone days in Houston at this apartment. I have a friend who lives close by that I'll be visiting one last time on Wednesday and Thursday. And, of course, I will go into the clinic on Tuesday and Friday. Kirk flies into Houston on Thursday. That way we can drive back to together in one car next Wednesday.

Today is the only day I haven't something specific to do, but there is still plenty to accomplish in the way of housekeeping, reading for my Fall class and finishing paperwork for various things.

Jacob and his dad have made it as far home from the Grand Canyon as Amarillo. They'll be home in Frisco today. They had a great trip down to the Canyon floor and back in three days. It was hard work, but worth it according to the last report I'd heard from them. They made a stop on the way to Amarillo, I hear, to look at Meteor Crater.

When he's been here, Kirk has slowly been taking things from the apartment back home. So there may be only clothes and remaining food to pack over the weekend. That will make it easier to load up the car and get on home once I'm officially released on Tuesday the 21st.

Can't wait to be home with my family and my dog and cat. Even it it is over 100 degrees these days in Frisco, at least it's dry heat.

As for me, I feel good these days. My only complaint is that I've had migraines at night these past two nights. Even that feels like my system is trying to return to normal, as hormones are usually to blame for those headaches. Otherwise my appetite, energy and general health have been very good. It is a very hot moldy situation outdoors these past few days in Houston, so I'm going to see if staying indoors today helps any with ending the migraine cycle. There is a lot of grass being cut today...in preparation, I suppose, for the rains that are headed this way tomorrow. Grass and a barometer shift have the ability to give me quite the headache as well.

Marking Time

God-willing, I'll be home by August 22nd or 23rd. I'll need to return to MD Anderson the next Tuesday for a follow-up appointment with my doctor, who is going to be out of town for two weeks, but that is okay. Being home is all that matters, and that is what my doctors feel I'll be ready to do by the 23rd.

So Kirk will drive down from Frisco alone one last time (and back again, of course) on Thursday and stay through Sunday. Then we'll be apart only Monday through Thursday (possibly Friday,) then Kirk will fly into Houston. In this way when I leave on Tuesday August 22nd or early Wednesday, we can travel together in one car back to Frisco. No more lonely rides to and from Frisco for Kirk.

Meanwhile, I'm marking time. Today, I spent much of the day watching an A&E version of Pride and Prejudice, which was quite fun. Julie very kindly has made these CD's available to me, so I decided while I was reading the book to indulge and see what a version more faithful to the text might do for Austen's story. I recommend it. Collin Frith played Mr. Darcy, and he was quite good in The Girl With the Pear Earring (as Vermeer,) so I am now much more impressed with with his acting abilities considering his range.

Lately I have also troubled myself with a translation of a poem from Russian by Karolina Pavlova, a nineteenth century poet. The translation is part of my efforts to prove proficiency (and I stress the word) in Russian for my Ph.D. and began with a recommendation from one of my favorite professors at UTD. He suggested I try my hand at not only translating the poem, but making the English version have the same iambic pentameter rhythms and ABA rhyme scheme. I may only be able to accomplish a literal translation. I have had some luck with the first stanza, but it sounds more stilted than I would like.

Aside from that, when it is still relatively cool in the mornings and late evenings, I go out on my bike or for a walk to the mail box or around the lake. Otherwise, days are a bit bleak. For I do miss everything that my life had to offer me in Frisco (as you can imagine.)

Jacob and his dad are now at the Grand Canyon, and I hear reports almost daily from Jacob about their exploits. I may not hear from him, however, for the next few days, since they will be at the bottom of the Grand Canyon staying at Phantom Ranch. I suppose it is possible that they will have reception on their cell phones or that they will find a suitable phone to make a call, but I'm uncertain. Then, it will take them two days to hike out of the Canyon. The first night after Phantom Ranch they will stay at Indian Gardens, which is about 5.5 miles beneath the rim. They are going into the Canyon by Kabab Trail and out by Bright Angel Trail. I am so proud of Jacob for accomplishing this at just the age of 14.

On their way to the Canyon, they hooked up with Vernon's eldest sister, her husband (Julie, my caregiver's uncle) and the two remaining live-in sons, Danny and Bobby. The last time I saw them Bobby must have been 7! I heard that there was lots of visiting and fun to be had there. Bobby is now 18!

Next on their way to the Canyon, they went hiking with Lisa, her husband, Randy and mom in Bandalier. Both stayed at mom's house for two nights (I believe.) All of that I heard also went well, and much fun was to be had by everyone involved. I am told they crammed in every possible tourist attraction under mom's guidance while in Santa Fe and the surrounding areas.

One last thing, I heard from a friend I had lost touch with five years ago. She and her family are from Canada, but had been living in Frisco. They have been renting their home in Frisco for the last 5 years, since they had to return to Canada. I think in the move from the apartments we were living in I lost her contact information, though I've been searching online for her and her family for almost 2 years. Sharon called the house in Frisco just this week and Kirk was able to give me her number. We talked last night, and it was really great catching up with my old friend.

Remission!

I found out Friday that I'm in remission and that I've engrafted 100% with my sister's cells!

I did not have to receive any blood on Friday, as well, since my counts only reduced by .5 since Tuesday.

The time needed to receive Magnesium has also been reduced to 2 hours in the clinic and 1 hour at home.

They may start to taper me off the Cyclosporine in the next couple of weeks or allow me to do that from home with my local oncologist.

I also found out that I may be able to return home sooner than I expected. Most likely before Jacob returns to school on August 27th. That means it could be as early as the 22nd or 23rd that I'll be leaving Houston to come home.

I feel so blessed and am already starting to pull together all the threads of administrative concerns to make my leaving go as it should. My energy is good, too. Good enough to start doing better in physical therapy. By the time, I'm able to return to Frisco I should be able to have much of the recovery process completed. Then I can focus on my family, friends and even school.

Remission!

I found out Friday that I'm in remission and that I've engrafted 100% with my sister's cells!

I did not have to receive any blood on Friday, as well, since my counts only reduced by .5 since Tuesday.

The time needed to receive Magnesium has also been reduced to 2 hours in the clinic and 1 hour at home.

They may start to taper me off the Cyclosporine in the next couple of weeks or allow me to do that from home with my local oncologist.

I also found out that I may be able to return home sooner than I expected. Most likely before Jacob returns to school on August 27th. That means it could be as early as the 22nd or 23rd that I'll be leaving Houston to come home.

I feel so blessed and am already starting to pull together all the threads of administrative concerns to make my leaving go as it should. My energy is good, too. Good enough to start doing better in physical therapy. By the time, I'm able to return to Frisco I should be able to have much of the recovery process completed. Then I focus on my family, friends and even school.

Great News

Two really great bits of information came to me today in my meeting with my team.

One, I have 1% plasma cells. That is normal. There are more tests that need to come back, but Dr. Popat said it probably means I'm in remission! More on this as it comes to me.

Two, I may be able to come home by day 84. Perhaps even soon. That means before Jacob starts back to school on August 27th! Now THAT's exciting.

(Picture: one of my mom's heart-shaped pancakes, which are her specialty; she made some the last time she was here.)

Fun With Denise

My friend Denise found a way to get off from work Monday, so she could hang out at the apartment. We are watching The Prestige, a riveting movie (so far). Right now, she's on the phone with her sister (my mom called just a few moment before) and the movie's paused.

We did the yoga DVD that mom and I bought in July. I found it easier to do than when I tried to do the poses then. It is a nice reminder that I am getting stronger and healthier. I'm not saying I was able to do ALL the poses. But I DID do all the "Downward Facing Dog" poses (about 4 in a row,) which is something. Last time I was barely strong enough to do just one.

It rained much of the day today, but Kirk was able to be off to Dallas without too much trouble from weather. He back now in Frisco already, admitting that the drive is starting to wear on him a bit. I think he may need a book on tape or something. Denise brought Steve Martin's Pure Drivel, which I love. I only listened to one of the "stories" on it, but it was very funny. I'll have to make sure Kirk gets a copy to enjoy on his way back to Dallas next weekend.

Friday turned out to be a crazily long day. I needed two units of blood. Funny thing is I didn't feel so bad. No headaches. No terrible weariness. But my counts had fallen below 8 and that's the magic number. It took them longer to find a match...though the "critical shortage" of last week seemed to have righted itself. I had two units and did not leave until after 11PM! I am hoping THAT was the last time I'd need that.

Back to the movie!

A Little Experiment

Since I've started eating more...well, it appeared my gastro-intestinal issues were worsening. So I called my Pharmacy M.D. at the hospital to see what he would suggest I do...other than taking Immodium three or four times a day. He brought up the dreaded G-word (you know, GVHD) because some people get it in that form. He suggested, however, that I stop taking the Magnesium Sulfate tablets (a known laxative) for a day to see if my "issues" stopped. If they did, then that meant my discomfort was caused by the Magnesium not GVHD.

I'm happy to report that as soon as I stopped taking the Magnesium, my symptoms disappeared. So this gastro stuff is not being caused by anything all that terrible...just too much Magnesium. I wonder tomorrow what the doctor will think I should do, since taking 4 tablets (that's 2000 Mg) of Magnesium is too hard on my system. I imagine he'll say for me to try one tablet for a few days, then see how my counts are doing. Then go from there.

Well, enough of that! Kirk is on his way here as I'm writing this. He had to leave a bit later than usual to prepare a very important RFP (or something) that's due in the morning for a very important client. Kirk called an hour or so ago and said he was not sleepy, since he'd gone to bed early enough last night. I always hate it when he drives here so late. He must be made of sturdier stuff than me. I know I'd have to pull over and end up sleeping the whole night through on the side of the road!

I'm excited to report that the people upstairs have finally calmed down enough to stop what sounds like elephant mating. Every once in a while I hear the sound of an Arabic-sounding dialect coming from the patio above. I wonder what's got them so riled up!? Could it be the stock market's sudden descent? Or just a baby that won't go to sleep. Or maybe I'm just going to bed a bit early (11:30PM!) for most humans, who (apparently) like to take their elephants for a walk around their apartment before turning in for the night.

(Can you guess what the picture is above? I'll give you 2 hints: it's green and it sits on a pond.)

Photographs of My New Apartment and Julie

Finally, photos! Here are the pictures I've been promising. As you can see, I now have a great apartment with a great view of the "lake" and its fountains. The French doors lead to the patio overlooking the water. I've also included a picture of Julie. She reminds me very much of Jim (Patti's husband). She's a lot of fun and I'm so blessed to have her as a caregiver (that's for sure.) And though I didn't take pictures of my first apartment (meaning: you have no point of comparison,) this apartment is much more suited to my needs. Mainly, I really need to see people out walking around the lake or the Muslim children riding their little bikes as their mothers dressed in black from head to toe watch from the steps. In summary, all these blessings lift my mood by keeping me connected with the general hub bub of humanity.

Yesterday was another long day at MDA. I was there from 8AM to 5PM doing various things. During that time I actually found time to go work out with the physical therapy team. I was evaluated a month ago and found that my general health had actually improved. The only problem I need to work on really is my endurance.

My red blood count was not as high on my labs as I would like. Despite that, I still have energy and no headaches. So it is not such a problem. All other counts are good. Every day it seems I am feeling better and finding myself able to do more physically.

The other good thing is that I do not need to go back to the hospital until Friday. My days were reduced to two (Tuesdays and Fridays,) which is very good.

A Game of Wii

It's a long Tuesday at MDA today. Longer than usual, since I'm here at 8AM for some blood work. Good thing I'm feeling better.

Tonight or tomorrow I plan to take pictures of the new apartment so I can post them on this blog.

Last night, I played games for the first time on a Wii. Bowling...electronically is the best way to describe it, if you've never played on a Wii. The Wii belongs to my new caregiver, Julie, who is a niece of mine by my ex-husband. Things are working out well with her. We seem to actually like watching the same sorts of things on television. Watched stupid mind candy liked "Age of Love" last night. The night before we watched her DVD of Kira Knightly (sp?) in Pride and Prejudice. It was the first time I'd seen it. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I've been eating and exercising better lately. Last night, believe it or not, the weather was so nice out, it was really nice getting out for a walk around the lake that's right outside my patio.

Friday I have a bone marrow biopsy and then some tests on Monday to see how I'm doing with the cancer. I fully expect that they'll find nothing left. The full report probably won't be out until next Tuesday (that's when I see the doctor typically).

I praying that I won't need any more red blood infusions, since they are having a shortage around here. It makes it difficult to get units of blood. Whatever the case, I've learned that able-bodied people ought to go out right now and give blood, if they can. It's a shortage that happens every summer apparently.

Saturday Update

My computer and e-mail (swilder@ccccd.edu) are working again. I've moved into the new apartment. (Pics tomorrow!) To obtain my new address see the right side of this blog. For my new land line, call my cell phone. My new apartment does not have an answering machine, so if I'm not here it will simply ring and ring. I am only going to the hospital now on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Computer Virus...Better It Than Me

My computer crashed a few days ago, so I've been unable to check e-mail or update my blog until just now. Actually, I think CCCCD must be updating their system because I can't even check my e-mail tonight. The problem is usually resolved by morning, so I'll try again then. If you've got an urgent message to send, try sending it to Kirk's work e-mail at kwilder@symphonysms.com.

Tomorrow I'll be moving into my new apartment with the better view. Monday, I'll have a caregiver. My neice from Vernon's family. She's a lovely young woman with so much to offer. I feel very blessed about all these changes. And Kirk and Jacob are here to help me make them.

My red blood went down to 8 today, so I was given a unit to bring my color and energy back. I do feel almost instantly better. It's been two weeks since my last infusion. But this is my third. It is not unususal for this kind of thing to happen while in recovery for an allogeneic transplant. I am just grateful that I now have energy again. I had become quite the couch potato this last week. It was difficult just walking across the room a few times, so I slept a lot. Not too good for my mind or for my body. So receiving the blood means I can pick up my exercise again. Hopefully, my body will take over from this point.

All my other counts are normal.

Cassy is doing fine on the antibiotic Kirk's been giving her daily. The cat chewed out all of his stitches, but that turned out to be fine, too.

It was looking very very hot and uncomfortable here in Houston last week. Then it rained all week and *poof* better weather. I mean, better for Houston, that is.

Prayer request: red blood count going and staying at normal; my new caregiver--working out the kinks in our relationship; travel for Kirk and Jacob as they head back to Frisco; my state of mind--as I begin to spend time alone before Julie comes after work.

New Digs

I discovered on Sunday that I have the opportunity to move into an apartment that overlooks a lake here at the apartments. There are many aspects of this apartment with a view that I think will help my recovery. For one, I'll be able to comfortably have breakfast on the patio because the position of the apartment in relation to the rising and setting of the sun is more favorable. Secondly, it is on the first floor, more central to the fitness center and all the walkers and runners who regularly visit the lake in the evenings. I know this will inspire me to walk more as well as help me not to feel so isolated. I have a bicycle that I haven't been able to use since being on the third floor means having to carry it down several flights of stairs. In a first floor apartment near a riding path, I'll more easily be able to ride the bike. The nicest of all three pools in the complex is also closer to this other apartment. Even though I can't really swim at this point, I find it can be a very nice experience to go down to the pool area when the sun is not too high and read.

So on Sunday I'll be moving into this new apartment. My address will be the same, except for the apartment number. It will be #1116.

Tuesday I'm getting together with a nice girl Lynn hooked me up with, who may work out well as a caregiver for me during my last month/month and a half of time here in Houston. She's going to come by my room on at the ATC unit on the 10th floor around 2PM on Tuesday. Then we'll discuss the arrangement we'd have if she were my caregiver and try to catch up. The last time I saw her she was probably around 6-8 years old and it was at a funeral for Vernon's nephew in Mississippi.

There is another pet problem going on at home, I found out last night. This time it is our dog, Cassy, who has apparently started to urinate uncontrollably in the house. Some of the urine, according to Kirk, appears to have blood in it. So Cassy is at the vet's right now. I think it has been just too much for our animals these past few months since Kirk and I have had to be in Houston so much. I'm sure they are missing their masters (especially me). Neighbors have been so kind to step up and give love and care to our pets on weekends Kirk has come to Houston, but the stress may be starting to affect them in ways I'd never really considered.

Otherwise, I'm in good spirits and feeling good this morning, especially knowing I'll soon be living in an apartment that better suits my needs in these last few weeks of my treatment.

Oh, I'm not sure I mentioned this. According to the last report, my bone marrow is now 93% Lisa. I thrilled at this on many levels. The main being that my myeloid cells, which were infected with the cancer, are now almost completely replaced by my sister's cells. And my sister's cells do not accept cancer. Instead they fight it. The result is I've noticed a few mild side effects, which may or may not be GVHD. Some doctors believe a mild form of Graft vs. Host actually facilitates the Graft vs. Myeloma effect--something that is very good for a long term cure. Mostly I seem to have a slight rash that itches hardly at all and some intestinal issues that may actually be more related to a new medication I started last week. Whatever the case, I feel confident that I've been given a new start on life with Lisa's cells. And they are taking over so quickly. So like Lisa, you know. To take over so quickly. (Just joking.)

Prayer requests: Cassy (our dog) for her health; me for mild GVHD, if I get it at all and that my liver is protected and mended by the meds I'm taking; Kirk for his ability to bring the big accounts he's slaving away on to fruition; Jacob and Vernon for their safety and fun at Grand Canyon; Julie and me that we would "click" and that she will work out as a caregiver.

Praise reports: my headaches bother me less and less; 93%!; Martin (our cat) doing better; Friday I had a reaction to an IV med, but it was easily managed with an IV of Benadryl.

Garage Sailing

This morning while it was still nice (though somewhat muggy all the same,) Kirk and I went Garage "Sailing" in the area. We found about three garage/yard sales, but only two were worth a visit. At one, I made a huge find: four Fire King bowls with handles. Fire King is collectible, though these particular bowls were less so because they were white. But I like them and don't plan to sell them. And we need them. The bowls that came with the apartment are kind of grim--too large to balance on the hand and too shallow to keep from spilling.

I also found a crocheted cap, which I washed carefully. We'll have to see how it works out.

We visited, as well, a bead shop different from the one in Rice Village. I decided to buy enough beads to make a necklace to give myself an art project.

Right now, we're on our way out the door to take a look at a campground that some patients at MDA have raved about. It is actually in the city, not far from here. We're going to check it out.

A Beautiful Day

There was something really beautiful about today. I was so down on Wednesday. Even called to ask a friend in this area to pray with me over the phone. My counts were all so good, but I was feeling terrible. The only word that I can think of to describe the feeling I had Wednesday is "claustrophobic."

But today I was released in ways too profound to justify in this entry. Let's just say it was really quite beautiful. I had energy. Jacob and I played the card game Uno. I read a mystery book from a series that is about as light and uncomplicated as can be. I took Jacob down to the pool, so he could do his training for the Grand Canyon. Then I still had enough energy to get some Mexican food at a local restaurant that is not usually very busy. Even the weather here in Houston seemed to cooperate...it was not nearly as muggy this afternoon or evening as it has been. It rumbled and thundered like it was going to rain, but never did. Of course, my Magnesium was high enough on Wednesday to warrant only a small home infusion today.

I also had a nice talk with a possible caregiver, who would be able to stay with me nights Sundays through Thursdays. She is a student of MD Anderson working toward her Ph.D. She sounded very nice and I know her through relatives, so she may be a good alternative to someone being here 24/7. But I am still leaving things open. I was sort hoping for someone who could get me to my appointments, even stay with me at them, if possible. But, as I said, I'm open to possibilities.

Correction and Notice

In my last entry, I said that I would start being alone Sunday night through Thursday afternoons next week--the week of July 15th. That was incorrect. It actually begins the week of July 22nd. What was I thinking? Jacob will not go back to Dallas until July 22nd. That is so he can get his backpacking equipment packed and ready for his big trip with his dad to the Grand Canyon, which I believe starts July 29th. They both are hiking together down to Phantom Ranch for a night, then taking two nights to hike out. On the way, Jacob's dad has planned some visits with Vernon's sister and my mom/Lisa, Randy and Sam in New Mexico.

However, when I mentioned to Dr. Popat that I would be without a caregiver Sundays through Thursdays, he said it was really not an acceptable arrangement. It's important, he said, to have someone with you, who can help during those sudden downturns in health. I have already experienced that a couple of times and was lucky enough to have Kirk or Jacob with me, so I got what Dr. Popat was saying.

Thankfully, my dad has offered to pay for a caregiver. I am so honored by this...and grateful. So, in light of this, I've started putting the word out to friends and family who have connections with persons who are able to do this in the Houston or surrounding areas.

What I'm looking for is someone who can live with me Sunday nights through Thursday mornings or afternoons starting July 22nd or 29th, 2007 and probably continuing until the end of August--about 4-5 weeks. This person would not need to stay weekends, but if they needed to they certainly could. The apartment I'm living in is very nice and has an 2nd bedroom with a bathroom to its own. What I need is a nurturing companion type of person who can do some light cleaning and cooking around the apartment. On days when I go to M D Anderson, this person would need to drive me there and stay with me in my room, perhaps running light errands in the clinic, but mostly just staying with me for the hours I am receiving treatment. Pay would be commiserate with experience, but this person does not need to have nursing capabilities.

If you are connected to a church in the Houston area, even as far as Austin, and know someone who is interested, please contact me by e-mail (swilder@ccccd.edu) or phone (if you know it) and let me know. Or interested persons may inquire themselves. Someone with a upbeat, nurturing personality would be best. References may be necessary for those inquiring with connections to old friends or family.

Now, I should also tell you that today was a really good day in terms of my counts. All of them were UP today. My white blood was actually normal, and red blood was not far behind. The Magnesium was high enough for me to take a smaller infusion home with me for tomorrow. Praise God! Kirk comes tomorrow and I can hardly wait. I feel as if I haven't seen him in forever.

Cat Scan Wednesday

It appears as if next week will be the beginning of my "home alone" experience in this phase of my treatment. Kirk can come Thursday, but he will leave and take Jacob with him on Sunday. That means I'll be here taking care of things on my own Mondays through Thursdays for a while.

This Wednesday I am having a CAT Scan to see if I've got something going on with my sinuses that may be triggering my headaches. I am hoping this will help my team to treat the headaches as sinus-itus rather than migraines. I was able to keep headaches away today for the most part. But they are always literally "knocking at the door" (ie. throbbing) and waiting for a chance to become a full blown terrible headache.

Aside from this and feeling a little sleepy, I had a pretty good day. Most days, in fact, up to this point have been mostly like the one I had today. Just a little tired, just a little headache-y. Mainly, I think from the infusion of Magnesium, which has that effect on me, I think.

I am making progress, though, from my perspective, it seems slow. My team seems to think I'm doing marvelously. And making progress rather quickly. All I know is that I am trusting God to get through this next part.

Please continue to pray for Kirk and that my counts go up to where they need to be and stay there. Also that the headaches be cured with information from the CAT scan.

Day 33: Missing Kirk Again

The two units of blood I received Friday must have worked because today I do feel more like myself. I'm on the last hour of my home infusion of Magnesium...usually the hardest part. Toward the last hour of the infusion the Magnesium makes me feel hot, almost as if I have a sunburn and can give me a headache and/or make me nauseated. I'm thinking that if I can distract myself by writing, perhaps my "end" reactions won't be so noticeable.

Mom just called from Albuquerque. She had a lay over in El Paso, but the flight was uneventful. Once again, she was so helpful. There's lots of food in the frig to heat up for the coming days before Kirk will be here because of her. I'm so glad she was able to make it work in her schedule to be here again for another week. I'm not sure how I would have made it through the "endless" Friday, if it hadn't been for her. She managed to do all the wash, as well. But her greatest contribution was her perspective, which made me feel supported and loved through the day in and day out of my treatment. Thank you, mom. I love you so much.

Kirk reports now that the cat has chewed out all of his stitches, despite doctor's orders that he not do this. Amazingly, it appears he is unscathed by his behavior. The surgical wound has healed, though Kirk is going to ask the vet it there's anything that he should watch for. That cat just will not be held down by anything.

These days I, too, find myself chewing out my own "stitches," but in the emotional world...not the physical. I am at day 33. The earliest anyone has gone home from this experience is day 84. That leaves 51 days...about one month and a half...before I can hope to go home. Thank God there are little victories along the way. For example, when I was suddenly reduced from going into the outpatient clinic 7 days a week to only 3 days a week. My next step will be reduction to 2 days a week...probably Tuesdays and Fridays (according to my APN.) But I will be happiest when I can start reducing the amount of Cyclosporine I'm taking. August 10th will be another major step because I'll have a bone marrow biopsy that will indicate what is going on with the cancer. Of course, I know they'll find nothing. I'm just looking forward to the proof of my healing.

I'm having I must admit some issues with loneliness. I had mom here and that helped. I have Jacob here and that is wonderful. But I miss Kirk, who I get to see so rarely it is really starting to bother me. Talking to him on the phone sometimes actually just makes it worse. I don't know how to explain this. Mom sends lots of cards. People do call. I wish it were possible to exchange the presence of my loving husband for the presence of others, but it just can't be done. I miss him terribly and find myself resenting anyone and anything that prevents him from being here. It is almost unbearable to go through this last treatment for the cancer without him. The few days he was here were awesome, though three days can hardly make up for the ten he had to be gone.

Tonight Jacob and I will make a trek to a drive-in movie theater, so we can see a movie on the big screen. Of course, it wouldn't be prudent for me to go see a movie in a movie theater right now. I'm being very careful about protecting myself from catching anything, as my doctors recommend. I hope I have enough energy to go through with it. The movie starts at 9PM and probably won't be over until around 11PM. Then I'll have to drive back to the apartment. I feel as if it will be okay, but I'll just have to take it as it comes. If I'm not ready to leave at 8PM, then we'll wait until Kirk is here to give this a try.

Kirk has noticed that I have a few more typos in my blog lately. He's worried that this is a sign that things are "not as they should be" with me. I want everyone to know...it's true: things aren't "as they should be," but only because I miss Kirk so much. I often read over the blog and notice these typos. I just don't have any motivation to go back and change them. Motivation for me has often come from Kirk. I mean, I'm able to motivate myself...and have for years...but now that I'm weakened physically as well...my motivation has slipped a bit. Especially without my sweetheart here.

I love Kirk so much.

Two More Units Friday

Since I felt well enough to travel a little bit, we all took a trip to Tomball to see my aunt Daphne today. She's living in an assisted living complex there, but may have to move because of a recent incident. She's taking hydrocodone for pain, and I blame it entirely for any erratic behaviors she may be exhibiting. Apparently she's been knocking on neighbors doors late at night when the train goes by or when she doesn't get an immediate response from her caregiver who comes when she pulls a cord.

Hydrocodone is one of those medications that I believe can make you rather paranoid, if you take it long enough. And I think she's been taking it long enough. I had much better luck with Ultram, but it takes more effort on the doctor's part to prescribe it. Something about triplicate forms.

Friday was one crazy long day at MD Anderson. We arrived at our usual time at the Diagnostic area to give a blood sample. Once again the phlebotomist didn't know that I was "holding" my cyclosporine until after the blood draw. I decided to put my foot down and ask her to call my team to set things on the right schedule. I had this feeling that my cyclosporine levels hadn't been check for almost two weeks.

Next, we were on our way to the 10th floor where we proceeded to wait almost an hour and a half for a room. At 12:30PM, I joked about starting a riot, but didn't get a lot of energy for or against. People were just too sick to fight back. Finally I got a room. The three of us--mom, me and Jacob--snuggled into the room. By this time, I'd started to get a migraine again. Very discouraging. I prayed. Turned out the lights. Thought of what pills I could take. But nothing was working.

When the nurse who sets up my Magnesium drip arrived, I poured out my woes to her. Fortunately, this brought my team. I now have a new Pharm D named Jamie and Lynn, my APN, was back from vacation. I explained what was going on with the migraines. Lynn had already ordered two units of blood for the day, since my hemogoblin was low again. Lynn suggested that lack of oxygen from low blood may be the reason for the migraines of late. That made sense to me, but she also asked if it might be sinusitus. I agreed it might be related, so they're going to do a CT scan on Monday to check for that. Frankly, I'm glad. If I have a sinus infection, it would certainly explain some of my symptoms.

So instead of just taking the usual migraine meds for the headache that came up today after my visit to Aunt Daphne, I also took a sinus med. It actually helped and gave me some relief. So Lynn may be right. We'll see on Monday.

Mom leaves tomorrow for Santa Fe and it'll be just Jacob and me again. I'm surely going to miss her. Kirk is home nursing the cat back to health. He's eating wet food now and appears to have ripped out all of his stitches (which he wasn't supposed to do...by the way.)

Meanwhile, I am actually started to feel like my old self again. It's great. I can watch stuff on television without crying and food tastes good to me. I still don't eat as much as I did, but I wonder if I ever will. Food just isn't that important to me any more.

I'm hoping the infusion of extra red blood has done the trick and pray that I won't need more again on Friday again. I would really like to get off this Cyclosporine. Slowly. The way they talk about doing it when it's time. Whatever the case, I'm feeling stronger these days. Maybe I'm sleeping more. Anyway, I just thank God that I'm heading in the right direction. My hair is growing and people say I look healthy. That makes me feel so good.

Thanks to all of you sending cards and letters. It means a lot. It is very difficult to go through something like this and your cards and letters let me know you care. (The address is on the right had side in the messages section of the blog.) Call if you like, as well. My cell has the number for the apartment land line on it. If I don't answer my cell, please use the land line. There's always some good reason I can't answer it. Rarely, I'm just too tired. But most of the time the reception on the cell is just not good or I'm running out of minutes on my cell.

I continue to ask and desire for you all to pray. With no signs of GVHD, I know God's intervention due to your prayers is a big part of the reason. August is still wide open as to a caregiver. Maybe it's just God's will for me to be here alone Monay through Thursday. Right now, I'm pretty sure it would not be a good thing. But in August...who's to say how I'll feel?

A Cat and a Spool of Thread

Kirk arrived in Houston as planned despite our cat who managed to get himself into a (literal) bind by swallowing almost half a spool of thread. Thankfully, Kirk got him to the vet in time. The cat did end up having to be knocked out while the vet tried to carefully pull out the thread. Unfortunately, he had swallowed just too much, so he had to have the ball of string surgically removed. It had even gone into his intestine a little. But he is recovering at the vet's even as I speak and Kirk cut his visit short to go an tend to him. Good for the cat, but not so good for me...since I only had a few days with Kirk before he has to turn around and go back to Dallas. Kirk promised to return as soon as possible, so I'm okay.

My counts on the 4th of July were very good, though the Magnesium could still be higher. My white blood was actually in the normal range! Everyone is pleased with my progress (by God's grace.) I have finally started to feel as if I have more energy. I even got an unexpected migraine, which usually means other things are returning to normal in my body. Though I hated having the migraine, it was a nice sign that my cycle may be returning to me. They gave me a bunch of meds in my IV to help me with it on Wednesday...so many meds that I had to be wheeled out to the car by Kirk. I think I fell asleep in the chair in the elevator. Of course, even those meds did not knock out the migraine until I had really slept for a bit at home. Then, like in the old days, my migraine returned and I was able to catch it soon enough and bring it under control.

Today, I actually had enough energy to go shopping with mom and Kirk! Then we ate out at a Mexican food restaurant with few patrons (for some reason...even though it's very good.) Thank you, Jesus. I feel almost normal again. It doesn't hurt to walk. My muscles aren't sore. I am eating well. Not like I used to eat, but my appetite is really good. I also sleep well most nights.

My former sister-in-law, Lynn, called out of the blue. She is a caregiver and may know someone in this area who could be paid to help me out in the month of August...which is still a blank slate in terms of having someone with me during the days of the week through Thursday. It was so great talking to her. She is one of the most angelic women I've ever known in all my life. She's amazing! She lived in this area for some time and promised to contact her church to see if they know of someone I could pay for care.

Insurance at Kirk's work has now switched to United Health Care, but it looks as if the coverage for lodging during a transplant is the same as it was under Aetna. It took FOREVER for me to get to the person who knew this information, but I finally got it figured out. There was a problem with one of the antibiotics being covered because it needed "pre-approval," but somehow it was worked out.

Thanks to all of you who've been praying me to wellness. I ask God daily to bless you in whatever way you specifically need blessing. It is a very good thing you have done for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Overcast Day

It looks so overcast outside that I wonder if Houston has any chance of being able to see fireworks on the 4th in two days. It's been like this for a day or two, so there's always that chance it'll burn off.

I heard from my former sister-in-law, Lynn, last night. She called because she'd just heard about my illness. She is actually a caregiver right now for an older lady. She has friends at a church in the Houston area, and she said she'd see if there was anyone available in August that we could pay to live with me.

I'm not sure I'll need it, but I think it would be nice to have a companion during that period of time. Lynn said she'd get back to me about it next week.

The only thing that hurts these days is my feet. The more I walk around the less they hurt, so I'm going to make every effort to do so today. I guess all this sleeping and sitting around (due to lack of energy) has had an effect on my feet. They don't really hurt they just ache and tingle a little now and then.

Tomorrow, it's back to the outpatient clinic. I'm curious to know how the hemoglobin will read since I had a unit of blood on Friday. I think I am only feeling the good effects of that today. They said it would give me a boost of energy.

Kirk says the kitty is coming back to normal. I think he's going to be fine. He's hiring a little girl down the street to come and take care of our animals while he's down here in Houston. I sure do look forward to seeing him this Wednesday. Sometimes I think it is missing him that makes me feel worse than I actually am physically.

Mom Is Back in Houston!

I was feeling a bit sick today, so I'm glad mom is here. I slept four hours after we got back from the airport, then woke up very hungry. That's always a good sign. I'm hungry even as I write this blog. Maybe that's one of the things that's bothering me. I'm just not used to being all that hungry of late.

I even took my temperature. It was only slightly above normal. Mom's making dinner and I'm so blessed to have her here. Now Jacob can relax and be a kid, and I can relax and not feel well if that's what I'm feeling.

Please pray for my kitty at home. He's been a bit lethargic these last few days. Kirk says he's on the mend, since he's started eating and coming around for pets again. If he's not totally up to snuff soon, Kirk'll be taking him to the vet for a check up. I think Kirk may have let the kitty litter go to long. So he was throwing up.

It's time for dinner, so I'm going to go eat. Since I'm so hungry and all.

Fireworks

Last night Jacob and I could hear a fireworks show, but we were too tired to do more than look out from the balcony to see what part of the sky they were displaying. I think they must be over Reliant Stadium, which I think can be seen from the roof of the parking garage. If it happens again tonight, I'm determined to figure out where they can be seen. It is Fourth of July weekend after all.

I woke up feeling pretty good and more energetic thanks to my infusion of red blood cells yesterday. The Reid's church in England I know is praying for me because Ruth Reid has sent me a couple of e-mails asking how I'm doing. I asked for prayer about different things. Mostly what I've already been asking all of you to pray for.

Finding ways to occupy my time is something of a struggle these days. Kirk did bring a Russian translation I've been working on for my Ph.D., but I haven't had the energy until (perhaps) now to put some time into it. There's always housekeeping types of things to do, as well. I've considered starting on a couple of sonnets, which I feel may be just the thing. I'd love to go walk the mall, but I know that it will be incredibly busy this weekend of the 4th. People just won't be able to stay away when the Galleria is having a sale. Lots of people unfortunately means lots of germs, so I'll have to stay home.

Thanks to Chris (my new friend here in Houston) I've got a lot of CD's to listen to. She and Kathy (our mutual friend in Frisco) are praying for me, as are tons of other people. If I were to list them all, I know I wouldn't be able to do it without missing a name. Thanks again to all of you who are praying.

There's a really great pool on the ground floor of our apartment building. I'll probably get Jacob to go swimming, so he can have some exercise.

A VERY Long Day

It was a very long day today at the clinic. I had to go in at 8AM and have blood drawn every hour or so until 4:30PM! I know now why I was starting to feel better. My white blood count had gone up to 2.4, which is quite a leap from 2.0. All other counts were good as well, including the Magnesium. But my red blood went down too far and I had to receive a unit of blood. They were so careful with matching it to my blood that it took 2 hours for them to get it to me. Then it took 2 hours for me to take it by IV. Jacob and I did not leave until 5:30PM.

Oddly enough, I had enough energy (perhaps because of the red blood) to stop and rent a movie for us to watch. I felt Jacob deserved some kind of fun since he was in the room with me the entire time...except when he'd go to the cafe for food. My appetite was better, but I feel like a clothes hanger that needs straightening. I sat in bed that long without the energy to get up except to go to the bathroom.

My doctors assure me that I am doing very well and that these things are all part of the process I am going through. I just praise God mom is coming Sunday and that I don't have to go in for 3 whole days. I am also blessed that Kirk is coming Wednesday. I need him more than I thought. There's just no one like him for reassurance.

Jacob has been such a good caregiver. He just did the dishes after feeding me a decent dinner. He brought me Gatorade today, though I forgot to ask him to get it. He's such a good boy. I feel blessed to have him, too.

Another Update

The doctors say I'm doing great. The magnesium went back to the low end of normal yesterday! That means I can stop at taking only four tablets of Magnesium a day. This is good since the tablets have such a dastardly effect on my system. And my other counts are good enough. I would like to see my red blood counts going up more, then I would not feel so tired. Please pray for that.

I still have concerns for a caregiver in the month of August. Please pray concerning that. And please pray that Kirk's work situation is blessed with lots of sales and other unspoken concerns.

Today is my day off. It sure is nice. Then I'll have the whole weekend off. Mom comes Sunday.

I'm sleeping well. Really nothing bad to report.

Quick Update

A praying friend whom I had not yet met in person just left the apartment. It was so great meeting her, since I've prayed and interacted with her on e-mail so many times. She traveled in Houston traffic to get here. But I'm so glad she came. It was a bright and shining light in the midst of what sometimes feels confusing and uncertain. We prayed, but mostly we talked about our backgrounds. Jacob stayed the whole time, talking with her too.

Kirk's first business flight was unexpectedly canceled (after hours of trying to make it work in the airport.) The reason: weather...somewhere between Dallas and his destination. But I'm not worried, since I've been praying for this meeting to go smoothly etc. for several days now. I know there is some reason he cannot be there physically. Two others from the company were close enough to actually be there for the meeting. He and the other two will participate from the Dallas office on a conference call. Pray that the meeting results is prosperous for all concerned.

My counts are pretty good. They still need to come up, though my doctors are not worried at all. I even went to physical therapy today. You're not supposed to be released to do that unless your "well enough." I was evaluated by a very nice physical therapist and ended up doing some exercise before it was time to go back up. The whole time I was, of course, attached to an IV pole. I was amazed at what I was able to do. And no nap was needed upon my return home! I'll go back Friday.

I am still sleeping very well, and this helps a lot when it comes to feeling peaceful about things. Jacob is doing a great job at being my caregiver. He does all the dishes regularly and makes sure I eat good things. I'm so proud of him. I know it'll be even more fun when Mom comes on Sunday.

Please pray for our apartment situation. We are not certain if the new insurance will pay for lodging. If it does not, we'll need to move into a "church apartment." There is a form we wanted faxed yesterday from Dr. Popat's office, but they lost the first page that had the fax number on it. It should go out in the morning. This will help us figure out what our next move will be.

Thanks for all of your prayers. My Magnesium hovers now around normal, but please pray it holds there so I don't have to take any more Magnesium in whatever form.

Departures, Arrivals and Lone Star Pride

Yesterday was Kirk's last full day here for the next 10 days, so we crammed in all the fun and food preparation possible. I wasn't up to or able to take a walk through the galleria, nor could I see a movie in the theater due to my counts being below normal. But we did watch a couple of DVD's. One of them I like more than the others: Music and Lyrics. I just loved the parody 80's group performance they called "Pop!"

Kirk and I also went for a car ride around the city. Our intention was to drive through the River Oaks neighborhood I'd heard about from friends. But first we found ourselves in the middle of Lone Star Pride festivities. I think every gay and lesbian couple within a 500 mile radius of Houston were lining the streets in preparation for a parade. Three young'uns were even dressed as Adam and Adam and Eve, but after the Fall as they wore nothing but ivy. God tried to dampen their jollity with a continual rain, but it t'were for nought. Everyone partied on.

Once we got out of that traffic snag, we employed the trusty (most of the time) GPS to find River Oaks Country Club. I was expecting to see grand houses, but I think their occupants were too "old money" for that. Maybe it was the rain, but these giant mansions seemed tired.

Jacob flies into Houston today at 12:30PM. I'm looking forward to seeing him, even though I know Kirk will be leaving soon after. Jacob will be the official heat and eat person, since Kirk spent much of the day cooking so that we'd have all we needed.

I am sleeping much better these days, thanks to your prayers and God. My only prayer request now is for my system to stop giving me fits over the Magnesium tablets I take each day.

It's been a relaxing weekend. Hope yours was, too!

A Weekend of Freedom

Having to go in Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays only is great. This is my first weekend since the transplant June 5th that I've just stayed home, doing an infusion of Mg with a small pump that fits in a zippered pouch about the size of a tummy pack. This along with sleeping well last night and having Kirk here have helped my mood so much. What a relief! Friday was such a busy day at the outpatient clinic on the 10th floor. The whole time I was there one person after another came by. One to give me a new pill; another to flush one of my lines that wasn't working. So, needless to say, the time went by a bit faster than usual.

Today, Kirk and I are going to prepare food for this next week. Jacob will be here Sunday, but there won't be any other adults again until Mom returns on July 1st. We want to make some stew and a potato salad in batches big enough to eat all week, if necessary. There will be a visit from a new friend that I pray with a lot on Tuesday, but that's it. Thursday would be a great day for anyone else who wanted to visit, mainly for moral support.

I know that many of you have been following this blog to pray for me. You should know that God has heard you and all the good things I've been experiencing are directly related to your petitions. I thank the Lord for you.

If I have any other prayer requests, it is for continued stress-reduction for Kirk at work. I am also thinking of August when my caregiver schedule leaves me alone Mondays through Thursdays. I know that by then my needs will have changed from what they are now. However, I'm fairly certain even a short visit in the early or late afternoon will help to raise my spirits on those days. This as well as making sure I have things to eat, since going to the store is not always easy when avoiding crowds is the mandate from MD Anderson. Please pray concerning this. I'm not supposed to go further than 30 minutes from MD Anderson, but I bet by August they'll let me loose a bit more. So maybe I'll be coming to see you, if you live in this area.

A Special Thanks to My Mom

My mom returned to Santa Fe, NM yesterday. She did so much for me while she was here that I really wanted to thank her publicly. While she was here, I was going through the most difficult part of this allo transplant. She took care of my every need. Cooking, doing dishes and laundry, and just being there. Every day she took me to my appointments, sat with me in waiting rooms, and provided moral support at every turn. I feel so blessed and lucky to have such a great mom.

She even made sure Kirk and I had lots of different healthy and delicious foods to heat and eat. I felt how especially great that was yesterday afternoon when I drove myself home for the first time, arriving home hungry and ready for dinner. Everything was at the ready. I just put the pot of chicken on to heat and voila...dinner! I really needed that because I was almost too hungry to make anything!

I'm going to miss her quiet talks with me, watching Family Feud on television and just having her around. She's got so much to offer. She's coming back July 1 for another week when Jacob is here. I look forward to all that we'll be able to do then when I'm feeling even better than I feel now.

Kirk is here now. I can hear him talking on the phone for his work. It was so great last night having him back by my side on the bed. I sure do miss his sweet face, I can tell you! But he's here now and all's well. I wish he could be here all the time, but I'm just going to enjoy it while he's here.

I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. I'm still not sleeping to well, though I took a Benadryl to help in that direction. I woke up feeling a little achy, probably from walking again yesterday. There are several flights of stairs to and from our apartment. My muscles haven't used like that since before two or three weeks ago. Once I start moving around, the aches pretty much go away...so it's all good.

My only prayers needs right now are for better sleep, relaxation on days off and for Kirk (who's under some pretty high stress).

Thank you for your prayers so far!

Down to a Three-Day Schedule

Wonder of wonders. I am now officially on a three-day schedule. Starting next week I will go in to the outpatient clinic (sounds oxymoronic, huh?) only on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. My next appointment is Friday and no weekend visit. Kirk comes in tonight (actually in about 5 minutes.) Then Jacob on Sunday.

I feel so blessed. My "probation" of treatment has been reduced. Thank you, Jesus!

Thank those of you who prayed for the Magnesium in my body to rise because it did. I am now officially in the low end of the "normal" range. From 1.6 to 1.8. I attribute this to your prayers and an inspiration (from the Lord, I'm sure) to eat more greens, almonds and Mg-fortified soy drinks. I am also taking the Mg Oxide pills only with food. (The other night I took one very late at night on an empty stomach and woke up nauseated....)

I am doing very well. Counts are rising. Things are very good.

Apparently, the Mg will be an issue as long as I'm on Cyclosporine, the immune suppresent I'm taking. I'll taper off of that eventually and Mg will not be an issue.

The white blood count went back down, but that is a normal fluctuation. Pray for continued raising of my "counts," since I am eager to have a healthy immune system to the best of my ability until I'm off the Cyclosporine.

Lots to Report

Woke up this morning feeling nauseated. It got me down for a bit, until I remembered that I had taken a "lone" Magnesium Oxide tablet at 10:30PM before going to bed. They're supposed to be taken with food, but I'd forgotten to take it...so I downed it. I felt lousy all night with it. I probably would have done better to throw it up and start over the next day. But I was determined to not have to report that I'd done THAT to anyone.

Worried that it might be GVHD (since I've started engrafting,) I called Chris, a friend I've recently made who prays over the phone and lives here in Houston. We prayed and I realized as we were praying that I didn't have anything serious going on. My team at MDA confirmed this. Mg tablets are my best way to break away from having to come in for IV infusions. But everybody has good days and bad days from taking them.

By 2PM or so, I was feeling fine. I'm sure it was a mix if prayer and an Ativan. It evening now, though, all the meds I would have taken to lessen the nausea are done. But I still feel excellent. I ate a RATHER ROBUST dinner that mom so kindly made for me.

I had an experience of God these last few days. I've been inspired by the Holy Spirit to read a verse I felt I'd been given back in the early days of my return from the first transplant. The verse was about Hezikiah, a king of Judah in the book of Isaiah who was healed from a skin condition that threatened his life. Interestingly, God used medicines and a treatment to heal him.

Of course, you may remember that from my experience with Ruth Reid I ascertained the same word concerning my healing through this transplant procedure. She, too, was healed of breast cancer (20 year-survivor...so far) by an aggressive treatment she received while in Argentine. Her belief is that God brought to that place in that time so she could receive the most progressive treatment possible. It was not easy...for she had to be for a time separated from Michael, her husband...just as I am separated from Kirk.

To add to this experience, early Monday morning I awoke at 4:30AM unable to go back to sleep. I turned on the television and there was Beth Moore (a bible study writer I've been told to check out many times) touting her most recent study. The show touched me, as the guest and hosts, The Robinson, shared parallel experiences with depression as I have experienced in my life.

The next day I found one of Beth Moore's books called Breaking Away. In the first chapter, to my amazement, there was the story of Hezikiah. Beth Moore noted, as did I, that this was an example of a king healed by God's intervention in a medical procedure.

That was a very wonderful confirmation for me concerning my choice to go on with the 2nd translant. And things are going well with it. I am probably going to get my 1st weekend off! That does not usually happen sooner than the first month. I am only two weeks into the procedure, so I am pleased with my rapid progress. Especially pleased and thankful to the Lord from making things go so well.

There are many things to be thankful for these days. Renee, an old friend who has a rare form of lymphoma that presents itself in an itchy rash, is finding her "dark splotches" lightening with every dose of the trial med she is taking. Praise God! Please pray for her to begin feeling warm again...she is cold all the time...and to remove the terrible night itch.

Also, a man at my mom's work who was in an unconscious state because of a stomach ulcer gone bad woke up today. He is now his old self, laughing and making jokes. I am so glad for him!

Chris and I decided to re-schedule until next Tuesday, since that is when it will be just me and Jacob. I look forward to getting to meet her.

Please pray that my counts will continue to rise...especially my Magnesium. It fluctuates and, as a result, I must continue taking the Mg infusions and tablets, which upset my stomach, make me hot all over and give me a brief but distressing rash. It is a common side effect of Cyclosporine to have a reduction, which can become serious, of electrolytes. Being low on Mg also feels bad...leg cramps, soreness, inability to relax my muscles...etc. I want none of this...so please pray.

An Update on Father's Day

I felt as if something changed last night while I was sleeping. Like I started engrafting with Lisa's cells. It was a good feeling. My counts were the same as far as Magnesium and WB goes, but other things are rising nicely. I felt a bit of a rash, but it was from the Magnesium. It heats my body and I get a heat rash.

It's Father's Day and I've been playing Hearts on my computer (a new discovery) for much of the day. I'm done with my treatment for the day. Mom went to see Aunt Daphne while I infused.

A Good Day

Today is good day. My Magnesium went up finally...about 1/10 of a point to 1.6! Normal range is 1.8, and, for a while, I seemed to be stuck at 1.4. Mg is important for electrolytes, which are important for a bunch of other reasons electrolytes are important. Other counts went up, too, except for White Blood, which has--as predicted--held to a low point, because of the Cyclosporine (probably.)

Mom is planning to visit Aunt Daphne today. She lives about an hour from here. Kirk will be here Wednesday evening...about the time mom is leaving for Santa Fe. Jacob is doing his final packing for BSA camp. Family "things" are starting to become resolved. Thank you, Jesus!

I'm, of course, writing this from my out patient room on Rose 10. Another 4-hour treatment, then I'm out of here. The weekends are pretty bleak around here...but BORING is good when it comes to this kind of treatment, right? Thank you God for BORING.

I'm going to finish my paper today, so that Kirk can send it to my professor. That will, hopefully, take care of my INCOMPLETE a couple of months before the deadline. It's a good paper and I've had people reading it for errors. I'm glad to be getting it completely done.

I should start engrafting some time tomorrow or next week. Please pray that I'll take Lisa's cells with ease and in accordance with God's will. No GVHD. No complications whatsoever.

Thanks for your prayers so far. They have certainly brought MANY GOOD THINGS into my experience of this treatment.

Explanation

In case you're wondering why I wrote that depressing entry (ie. poem) today, you should first know that, for most of you, it has nothing to do with you. A week before I went home from my autologous transplant, for one reason or another, something happened between members of this family that has yet to be resolved. Sometimes it gets to me and the result is a depressing poem like the one I wrote today. There was a time when I would have apologized for expressions of emotion such as sad poems because I was sure I had offended somebody. Since cancer, I think I'm less concerned about what people think of what I write and this inspires me to let the poem be as it is.

Whatever the case, I wish to make it known to God and everybody that I am really looking forward to the resolution of things surrounding this issue. There's nothing like cancer to make re-evaluation more vocation than fancy. And I have certainly done my share of this heart-wrenching soul-searching that seemed like such a cliche when I encountered it before.

For my part, I feel as if I've done as much as I can. Calls were made and it was satisfying at least in one case. For this I am grateful. The rest is still unresolved and the unquiet in my soul appears once in a while to shake me and say: pray about this, Sherry. For that is all I can do.

It is in God's hands.

However, this last part of my cure--the allogeneic transplant--isn't easy and the longer silence reigns when it should not...the more resolved I become to let people go who once I held so dear. And this makes me sad.

For those of you who continue to stand by me...thank you with all my heart. Your prayers to God has moved Him to take care of me in ways I never dreamed of. You are part of my healing, and, for that, I am grateful. And so blessed. Thank you again.

Summer Quiet

The quiet is sometimes too loud for me.
I turn on the television to hear the sound of voices.
But noise is all I hear.

I scour my e-mails
As if bleaching them will make me smile.
But such chastisement is not within me.

I long to bring people within my skin
By some Spirit-driven power
Give insight to my situation. But it belies inspiration.

Where are the friendly voices I once heard so often?
Have they abandoned me
When abandonment cannot be forgotten?

Yes and yes. There can be no other answer.
I thank God for the time
When I can hear only His voice

Because so many others are silent.

A Lot of Waiting

It's a lot waiting in waiting rooms these days, but mom and I find things to do. Mom took the required CVC care classes, so today she could do what is called a DEMO. That means she'll change my dressing in front of a nurse who'll give her the ALL CLEAR for having the honor of changing my dressing. Infusion Therapy requires people to take the class twice so they don't miss anything. I'm hoping we'll be done with my daily infusion of Magnesium Sulfate to go to the DEMO by 3:30PM without having to drag my IV pole along with us.

I am expecting a miracle today...in terms of my levels today. God is going to bring up my Magnesium serum levels today. I can just feel it. My other counts are doing as is customary and normal for someone taking the kinds of medications I'm taking.

I'm so glad mom is here. I know I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if she weren't here. The first month is a lot about being tired and think I would have slept through some important things...like dinner and medications...if mom hadn't been there to wake me up.

Jacob is about to be off for Boy Scout Camp. It should be fun for him. He gets to do a lot of fun things! Like Advanced Sailing! I'm looking forward to seeing him, though. I do miss having my family around me.

It will be great when Kirk can come back to Houston (if only for a visit.) I miss him a lot.

Mom had no trouble extending her flight departure to next Wednesday, so I'm covered until then. Then Kirk comes. Jacob will be here after Boy Scout Camp.

Finally...An Update

It hasn't been because I was too sick. I've actually been feeling pretty good. It hasn't been because I've been too busy. I've had time to write here and there. The reason I haven't written is more about a lack of energy, since I've been hanging out a lot at MD Anderson received Magnesium treatments and getting tired as my counts start getting low. Nothing unusual here. All of this was bound to happen.

It's a great blessing that this week and now that's she's extended it through much of next week, my mom will be here with me. She helps me in so many ways. I really don't know how I'd have made it as well as I have without her. A couple of nights were so tough I crawled in bed with her.

The problem: mainly headaches and a feeling that resembles what an electrical pole must feel when electricity hums up and down it. That is most likely due to my Cyclosporine counts being too high and will soon be remedied. My body gets so warm--almost more of a summer sunburn feeling--when I take Magnesium, so we've had to slow down the infusion quite a bit.

I've had great support from other friends. Especially a new prayer partner I call upon when I can. Sam Stringfield made me an adorable "W" with a sweet message on the back, which has meant so much to me. Randy also gave me something from his trips to Russia. I just love it.

Lisa is back, of course, in New Mexico, happy and healthy. All ill affects from the medication and the CVC they put in her leg (since her veins in her arms were too small). She sounds great. I can't wait to be in Santa Fe again partying and enjoying the beautiful surroundings there. They saw the "tornado" from their house that was shown on CNN this past weekend.

My White Blood Count is steadily going down...though slowly, while my Red count stays the same! Platelets are good. Found out I'm a carrier of something called CMV--a kind of herpes virus that gives you cold sores. That means taking another medication to prevent any outbreaks there.

Otherwise, all seems to be going just fine. I slept very well for the first time in a while last night. Mainly because a praying friend prayed I would.

I have stories about angels I've seen at MD Anderson, but I'll tell those in another blog.

Sunday on the ATC Bed Unit

On Sundays, I receive my treatment on a different floor and section of MD Anderson. The internet connection there was not good and neither was my cell phone connection. Try as I might I could not update my blog or make calls while I was there, but I can now.

Kirk's back in Dallas now, and, by now, he's probably started on the lawn. I shouldn't see him again until Friday. But my mom is here. She's in the kitchen cutting up peaches she's going to cook for me.

I was low in Magnesium again, so the nurse gave me even more to infuse at home. It'll be done soon though. I decided if I was so deficient in Mg I needed to find out what I could eat to boost it. Halibut, almonds and green vegetables. I don't know if I've ever eat Halibut, but I certainly like almonds. I'm going to see what else when I do some more research today. Like I said it was very difficult to do research on the internet from the room I was in today.

Otherwise, I'm still feeling pretty good. My energy is still low, but I'm able to eat really well. I'm keeping the headaches away as well.

When the sun goes down I'm going to try a walk around the park here in the apartment complex. Simple things, but so important.

My First Saturday at Rose 11

I feel better today than I have in weeks. The Cyclosporine was reduced again from 300 MG to 200 MG. My rubin levels were too high, so they decided I was probably taking too much Cyclosporine. No headache today or terrible nausea. Not eating all that much, but what else is new?

Yesterday, I did sleep for most of the day, which makes for some interesting dreams. Sleeping so much makes it hard to distinguish the difference between waking and sleeping. For example, I'll see Martin (my cat) come into the room. He meows. I answer him with my waking voice and realize it was only a dream. This happens over and over again with only the characters and their requests changing. One amazing thing. I don't dream about having cancer any more.

So, at this moment, I'm writing my blog on my bed in the Ambulatory Treatment Center (medical-speak for Outpatient) watching HG TV. A slow IV of Magnesium is dripping into my body because they discovered if they drip it too fast I become so flushed it makes me feel as if I have a sunburn. When that happens I can get a headache. So they slowed it down.

Kirk is reading Memoirs of a Geisha. Yes, it's Saturday and I'm here receiving my treatment. It'll be interesting to see how things go on Sunday.

My mom comes in today at 5PM. I am looking forward to that.

We are still not sure who will be here for me after Mom leaves on the 17th. Or the next week for that matter.

I put my life in God's hands. I know he'll provide.

Cyclosporine Lowered from 350 to 300 Mg

Everything gets a little bit better each day. Threw up only once...still feeling the affects of the radiation. They reduced my Cyclosporine from 350 to 300. Which is nice. That's just two less smelly pills to get down morning and night.

Right now I'm receiving magnisum, which tends to make my skin looked flushed. When I go home I'll take a bath (in our spacious garden tub) and hopefully the redness will be gone. They worry about these things being signs of Graft vs. Host. But I don't think so. It only happens when I'm receiving Mg. My doctors agree with me.

I still feel wonderful today. That knowing beyond knowing that God has healed me. As soon as the nausea passes and I can eat normally, it will almost seem as if this whole experience was just a bad dream.

Praise God.

Cyclosporine Lowered from 350 to 300 Mg

Everything gets a little bit better each day. Threw up only once...still feeling the affects of the radiation. They reduced my Cyclosporine from 350 to 300. Which is nice. That's just two less smelly pills to get down morning and night.

Right now I'm receiving magnisum, which tends to make my skin looked flushed. When I go home I'll take a bath (in our spacious garden tub) and hopefully the redness will be gone. They worry about these things being signs of Graft vs. Host. But I don't think so. It only happens when I'm receiving Mg.

I still feel wonderful today. That knowing beyond knowing that God has healed me. As soon as the nausea passes and I can eat normally, it will almost seem as if this whole experience was just a bad dream.

Praise God.

The Burden of Cancer Is Gone

The day before yesterday was a tough day. I reported to receive total body irradiation. It was nothing. I lay on one side for five minutes. And then on the other side for five. I asked them to put a Christian station on, so I lay there listening to the songs and "thinking about something else" (as they suggested I should.)

As I did, I could think of nothing except what the songs were singing. God's glory and our need to worship him.

When I left I rang a bell in the hall that signaled to everyone that this was my last radiation treatment. Of course, it was also my first. The people in the waiting room applauded me warmly. Then I walked out with Kirk.

Within minutes, I was feeling very sick. A weariness unlike anything I'd ever experienced before came over my body. I was so tired I could hardly speak. Then the nausea. It hit me unexpectedly. I barely made it to the restroom to throw up. Lisa and Kirk were having lunch in the park. They bought me some soup, which I took one look at and ran to throw up again.

I finally decided to get as fast as I could to Apheresis, where I had some hope that they could give e some relief. They did.

By the time I started receiving Lisa's stem cells, I was aching all over (more effects of the radiation.) The nurse I had was Joe and he tried various things to help, but it was pretty much agony until I was able to get home and take a Darvon.

Since the day I took radiation, I feel I've improved considerably. The main and most miraculous difference is that I now wake up every morning free of that terrible cancer burden I had started to feel after the auto transplant. I wake up and no matter how nauseated or headachy, I feel a wonderful sense of God's glory. I am at peace and this is what God promised I would have when I spoke to the Reids. I just didn't expect that the main part of my peace would come AFTER receiving the transplant.

But it is a difference that is so good and pure it never dissipates as I go through my morning routine. Making a cup of hot tea, reading e-mails, and talking to Kirk, if he's not already busy with a call. I feel for the first time that the cancer is gone.

I know God has healed me. I liken it to knowing that Kirk was the man I wanted to marry. I just knew that he was the perfect one for me. And it certainly has turned out that way. We've been married now 8 years. Much of those years I know were good because of Kirk's unfailing kindness and love toward me. I am so blessed.

Allogeneic Transplant Day

Kirk and I are sitting with Lisa in Apheresis as I'm writing this. Lisa's reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, and Kirk is eating an apple while playing with his Blackberry. Just joking. He's actually only eating his apple right now.

Lisa's giving her stem cells...feeling good. No pain meds were necessary for her since 8PM last night. That's good because sometimes the Neupogen can make you feel rather achy. I have a slight headache, but it is really quite manageable. No nausea. I even ate a regular breakfast. Not too large, just something to put on my stomach to avoid stomach upset from the Cyclosporine.

I received a very nice CD of bible verses from Janice yesterday, but haven't had the chance to listen to them yet. I know I will sometime today. Thank you, Janice!

At 11AM, Kirk and I will go over to Radiation. I'll take radiation, then, if Lisa is finished in Apheresis, we'll all find something to eat for lunch. Then, I'll take the transplant here in Apheresis at 1PM or 2PM.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers. I am feeling quite calm now because of God's grace and mercy. Your prayers have been instrumental in this, and I do appreciate it very much.

Hanging Out at Rose 10

The CVC insertion (both Lisa's and mine) went well, as I knew it would. Kirk is wheeling Lisa over to the Rotary, since she is done with Apheresis. (She had a Darvon right at the end to help with some bone pain she was just starting to have.) So I'm here outside of the allogeneic clinic waiting for them to take me to a room. Then I will start a four-hour infusion of something to make tomorrow easier.

Tomorrow is a quick radiation treatment. About 1/30 the amount given to most breast cancer patients. But it may make me nauseated. I'm believing that it won't.

I heard good news from Renee today. The trial medicine she has been taking for almost 2 weeks is really starting to work. Her skin is getting lighter and she is very hopeful that it will continue to heal her as it has other MF patients she's met. One has been taking it only one month and she no longer experiences "the cold" and her itch is considerably less. Praise God is all I can say. I am so happy for her!

Tomorrow is the big day. Lisa did so well today, she may not need to give any more cells tomorrow. I do radiation and take her cells (ie. get the bone marrow transplant) tomorrow.

Mom arrives this Saturday and will say the week, so that Kirk can go back to work. Since we don't have anyone for the week after she leaves and I am likely to be a bit "wonky" still, Kirk may have to come back. That is, unless someone else can take over those four days of the week of the 16th. Whatever that Monday is. I don't have my calendar right in front of me.

Shopping and Fun

Today Lisa and I went shopping at the Galleria. We got so busy enjoying ourselves that we didn't realize what time it was. Kirk had to call to tell us he'd arrived in Houston. We were already on our way back to the hotel...so it was okay. Only a short lapse of time really.

It is so good to have Kirk here. Both Lisa and I have appointments tomorrow for catheter insertions. Kirk will be our caregiver. Thank goodness they had the sense to schedule these procedures at different times.

I go to Rose 10 (the floor where MDA does all the allogeneic transplants) also tomorrow and start a four hour infusion to prepare me for radiation on Tuesday. After radiation, then I'll receive Lisa's cells.

The apartment is available at 3PM tomorrow, so we'll start moving in there. But maybe not until Tuesday. It just may be easier to stay at the hotel another night. We'll see.

We were able to get the adjoining room here at the hotel for Kirk and I, but it's not available another night. The room that Lisa and I have had for a week, however, IS still reserved until Wednesday.

Lisa's got a few small aches and pains from the Neupogen. I'm doing okay from the Cyclosporine. My feet started hurting a little today after walking the mall, but I wasn't wearing my running shoes. Just my converse. So that may be the reason. They feel pretty okay now. We came back to the room and watched the movie Office Space. What a funny movie! And I've seen it many times already.

I've got to go take my 10PM meds. All's well at this time and I don't see any reason for that to change.

A Quieter Day

Lisa has one appointment today at noon with Infusion Therapy. Yesterday it was determined that the veins in her arms are too small, so they'll probably insert a shunt or something in a larger vein. More on this later.

We both started medications for the first time this morning. I started Cyclosporine, and Lisa started Neupogen shots. We prayed over both medicines. At this point, we're both working on our laptops until the appointment.

We were going to drive to Seabrook to visit with Denise, a friend I've known since Middle School. But the noon appointment postpones things a bit. Also, I thought we wouldn't start any new medications until Saturday morning. Since we started this morning, though it's not likely, we have to think about how we might feel physically.

I set the Cyclosporine out on the window sill in a bowl, as another trial patient recommended. She's a nurse and noticed that letting the pills "air out" diminished the bad smell they have and helped reduce any stomach upset.

The bone marrow biopsy yesterday was my first with sedation. I woke up with a headache...probably because I could not drink after midnight. Also, Houston takes some getting used to with all the mold and pollution in the air. I felt as if the Holy Spirit came before the procedure and took away my headache. I ended up not having to take anything for it by the time they came to set up my IV.

Last night, Lisa and I went to the Hobbit Cafe. I had a great egg salad platter with some greens, since Cathy and the other doctors said I could have a salad before going back to not eating raw vegetables and fruits. We bought t-shirts at the Hobbit Cafe. Lisa's has Thorin Oakenshield and mine has Gandalf. They are my favorite kind of t-shirt. The kind with the cap sleeves and on the small side. I call it "baby doll," but you get my drift.

We have some movies we're going to watch. Stuff like Charlie's Angels, Sideways and 13 Going on 30. We watched Blast From the Past earlier this week. It was really funny. I'd never seen it before. It tickled me.

Arrived at Rotary House

I arrived at the Rotary House about an hour ago. My room wasn't ready, so I had to wait about 30 minutes. It was no big deal. Otherwise, everything went smoothly.

I called Kathy, my research nurse, to tell her I'd arrived. Today, as it turns out, one of the other trial patients I had so much fun talking to when I was last here is actually going home. Another patient I was worried about is still here, but she is feeling MUCH better. Praise God. I'd been praying for her A LOT.

So I've got a few hours to exercise, eat or take a nap if I want before going to get Lisa at the airport. Her first appointment is tomorrow at 10AM: registration. I have a couple of easy appointments in the morning, then I'm done by noon. I don't know what else they'll need Lisa to do.

One of the first things Kathy asked was...is Lisa feeling okay? Yes, I said, she's feeling okay. No cold or anything like that and emotionally...she's great as far as I can tell.

I had the chance to talk to Ina (Kirk's sister) on the way here. It was really good to talk to her. She was painting something in her house when I called.

I'll update after Lisa arrives.

Leaving Dallas for Houston Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning I'll be driving to Houston. I have no appointments, except to get Lisa from the airport at 9:35PM. We'll be staying at the Rotary Hotel on the MD Anderson campus. The apartment won't be ready until next Monday (June 4) after 3PM, but chances are we won't move in until after Wednesday. Lots of appointments. So it might be easier just to stay as close to the clinics as possible.

Kirk will probably join Lisa and me on Saturday or Sunday. He'll be bringing with him most of the stuff that I'll be wanting with me at the apartment, besides what I'll already have with me.

I bought Lisa a funny little surprise gift that I think will make her laugh when I pick her up at the airport.

I'm feeling much calmer about everything for some reason tonight. That wasn't the case yesterday. But I remembered to pray and breath. So I'm feeling better tonight. I haven't driven so far by myself since Thanksgiving. I'll have the GPS, so I'll be less likely to get lost.

Kirk is a little upset about me having to take off by myself. Please pray for him. I keep reminding him I'll be with Lisa, but it doesn't help much. He's been my primary caregiver for a long time now. It's not easy for him to give that up, I think. I mean, he puts on a brave face, but he's still having a hard time.

I keep remembered Ruth Reid, who had to be in Argentina by herself when she received her treatment. Michael could not be there for her, since he was sick in the hospital. How scary that must have been for both of them. But they are fine today. It's hard to believe you'll be fine when you're going through it. I guess that's what faith is all about. I heard someone once say that FAITH stands for Fun Adventures In Trusting Him. That's certainly true, but right now it doesn't seem particularly fun.

Getting Over It

"Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God."

Romans 15:7, King James Version

The version of the above verse, which was given to me yesterday by Chuck (my husband's brother,) uses the word "accept" instead of "receive," but I love seeing what words the old King James version uses to convey the same message.

Here, Paul is commanding the church in Rome to accept one another, in the same way that Jesus accepts us. The Greek word used in the original text is proslambano, which means: "to take to one's self, to take into friendship." The Roman church was apparently made up of both Jews and Gentiles, who just weren't getting along. Paul insisted that they all find a way to be friends.

Friendship came up in my bible yesterday when I was reading a passage in John. In it, Jesus defines friendship as a willingness to lay down your life for another person. Now, that's heavy! A bit too heavy for this culture, which defines friendship quite often by how much "texting" we do to a certain person or how much "face to face" time we spend with someone.

For me, it's about something that's scary to talk about. But isn't giving up your life for someone pretty scary? It has to do with friends I've made with people who have cancer. The problem with having friends who have cancer is that terrible fear which surfaces in the mind despite all efforts to vanquish it. The fear that the friend might not survive. How will I feel, if that happens? Since survival is a concern for anyone, including myself, where cancer is concerned.

Then I realized that I can "lay down my life" or set aside my fears of losing someone just by continuing a friendship with someone who is sick. This is not as easy as it sounds. For, I hate to say it, but I've been abandoned by many old friends that I think just couldn't bear up to the pain of possibly losing me. Either that or they just let me go, since it was easier and, perhaps, not as scary.

I'm okay with that now. Since I know that I have probably done similarly in the past to others that I knew who were sick...and I didn't even realize it. If you haven't been through sickness, it's really hard to "get" what it's like. Now that I know, I know I'll do better. It is more than torture to be rejected by anyone when you're going through cancer. But I understand. Because I've been there and didn't even realize what I was doing that wasn't helpful to the person who was sick.

But God is good and I've got a new perspective. Sick people may be "scary," but Jesus commands us to get over it. And that's what I want to do: get over it.